I want somebody I can take my gloves off with.
I already have to fight the world, temptations, addictions, evil thoughts, insecurities, rejections, imperfections, disappointments, and anger.
If I have to fight at home, too...physically, mentally, or verbally...what is "home" for?
I'm not a punching bag. I'm not an enemy. With me, gloves aren't needed.
I can only be a place of peace if you take your gloves off, too.
Yesterday was my birthday. I always silently think to myself that "this" will be the year. The year that I feel that it's finally MY day. The year that I feel somebody truly cares enough to make me smile. The year that it doesn't feel just like any other day. I had a lot of "happy birthday" posts on FaceBook. But what is that anyways? You log in & get a notification saying it's somebody's birthday & FaceBook basically tells you to tell them happy birthday. WooHoo! My mom called. My kids called. My husband sent me a text late in the afternoon saying happy birthday & that he hadn't forgotten. That was IT. That was all of my birthday.
I'm not saying I need flashing neon banners or big extravagant gifts. I don't. It would just be nice to feel like it mattered that I was born.
In all my years, I can only remember having ONE birthday party. I was 4 or 5. I had a blue dress & a doll cake. One of those that had a doll stuck in the top & the cake was her skirt. I'm not even sure if I actually remember it or if I saw a picture somewhere. Doesn't really matter...that is my only birthday memory.
This was a big one too. 40. Nothing...just like any other day...exactly as I figured it would be. Maybe next year...but I've learned by now...I'm not holding my breath.
I'm broken. Completely shattered on the inside. But nobody knows. Nobody understands. They look at me & I see it in their eyes...I see them thinking "whatever, just get over it"...I see the cynicism. And they don't even know the half of the pain I keep hidden inside. But because I see it, I hide "me" from their glares.
I'm far from stupid. I know how I'm "supposed" to be. I've tried to do it. I can't. Sure...I put on a good show. I can fake normal for a bit. But it drains every bit of energy from my core. It's exhausting pretending to be something you're not. Even if that something is just okay. I'm not okay. I can't even remember a time I was okay.
I want to let somebody in. Anybody at this point. I want to feel accepted...truly accepted...all my broken pieces accepted.
I wake up wanting to fall apart & cry. I spend my days doing the best I can not to fall apart & cry. I go to bed wanting to fall apart & cry. But I don't. Because I don't know how to answer the question...that one big question...What's Wrong?
I don't know. Nothing. Everything.
I want attention, but no way in hell am I gonna ask for it. I want time, but I'll never say so. I want to feel like I'm needed, respected, useful, wanted...but I won't beg for it. I want to feel loved, but I don't want to impose. Because all of these things should be freely given...not given because "I" want them.
Unless you've lived it yourself, you can't understand how it is to feel like this every damn day.
