I want somebody I can take my gloves off with.
I already have to fight the world, temptations, addictions, evil thoughts, insecurities, rejections, imperfections, disappointments, and anger.
If I have to fight at home, too...physically, mentally, or verbally...what is "home" for?
I'm not a punching bag. I'm not an enemy. With me, gloves aren't needed.
I can only be a place of peace if you take your gloves off, too.
Yesterday was my birthday. I always silently think to myself that "this" will be the year. The year that I feel that it's finally MY day. The year that I feel somebody truly cares enough to make me smile. The year that it doesn't feel just like any other day. I had a lot of "happy birthday" posts on FaceBook. But what is that anyways? You log in & get a notification saying it's somebody's birthday & FaceBook basically tells you to tell them happy birthday. WooHoo! My mom called. My kids called. My husband sent me a text late in the afternoon saying happy birthday & that he hadn't forgotten. That was IT. That was all of my birthday.
I'm not saying I need flashing neon banners or big extravagant gifts. I don't. It would just be nice to feel like it mattered that I was born.
In all my years, I can only remember having ONE birthday party. I was 4 or 5. I had a blue dress & a doll cake. One of those that had a doll stuck in the top & the cake was her skirt. I'm not even sure if I actually remember it or if I saw a picture somewhere. Doesn't really matter...that is my only birthday memory.
This was a big one too. 40. Nothing...just like any other day...exactly as I figured it would be. Maybe next year...but I've learned by now...I'm not holding my breath.
I'm broken. Completely shattered on the inside. But nobody knows. Nobody understands. They look at me & I see it in their eyes...I see them thinking "whatever, just get over it"...I see the cynicism. And they don't even know the half of the pain I keep hidden inside. But because I see it, I hide "me" from their glares.
I'm far from stupid. I know how I'm "supposed" to be. I've tried to do it. I can't. Sure...I put on a good show. I can fake normal for a bit. But it drains every bit of energy from my core. It's exhausting pretending to be something you're not. Even if that something is just okay. I'm not okay. I can't even remember a time I was okay.
I want to let somebody in. Anybody at this point. I want to feel accepted...truly accepted...all my broken pieces accepted.
I wake up wanting to fall apart & cry. I spend my days doing the best I can not to fall apart & cry. I go to bed wanting to fall apart & cry. But I don't. Because I don't know how to answer the question...that one big question...What's Wrong?
I don't know. Nothing. Everything.
I want attention, but no way in hell am I gonna ask for it. I want time, but I'll never say so. I want to feel like I'm needed, respected, useful, wanted...but I won't beg for it. I want to feel loved, but I don't want to impose. Because all of these things should be freely given...not given because "I" want them.
Unless you've lived it yourself, you can't understand how it is to feel like this every damn day.
Here it is...Mother's Day again. I love my mother. She is the best mother I could have ever even imagined to have. I wish her the most amazing day possible.
But, beyond that, today just like any other day (holiday or not), is just another day. I have watched everybody around me seemingly go out of their way to wish others well wishes for today. I don't say anything because that's not me, but I fight to hide how much it hurts me to feel left out. One of these days I hope to feel like I make a positive difference & that I matter.
Happy Mother's Day to you all.
If it was nothing, it wouldn't be so blasted hard. If it was nothing, I wouldn't fight so hard to hide it. If it was nothing, I wouldn't be ashamed of feeling so different. If it was nothing, every day wouldn't be as much of a struggle. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. "Normal" people don't understand...they have no idea of how exhausting it is just to breathe some days. I've had family members tell me that I need to "get over it...it's all in my head" & they're right. I would love to get over it...it is in my head. But I'm not this way by choice. I don't wake up in the morning & tell myself that I'm going to be an emotional basketcase who is intimidated by every person I encounter that day. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel so alone. I don't want to avoid people. I want to be normal. I'd love to be able to sit down & talk to a person without feeling awkward. I'd like to feel comfortable enough to say I'm having a bad day. I'd like to not feel like I have to hide myself from the world because the "normal" people will think less of me for being this way.
A couple of months ago, I deactivated Facebook. I've done that who knows how many times & even my kids laughed & told me it wouldn't be long before I was back. Guess what...I'm not & I don't really miss it much. It's turned into a breeding ground for drama & a place that bits of information quickly get warped into new stories with a life all of their own. I'm guilty of using it to vent little frustrations, usually in a very passive-aggressive way. So yes, sometimes I briefly think to myself that I miss the "company" - then I realize that I'm much better without that pretend sense of belonging. I have no easy to pinpoint point in this. Just feeling pretty good about being disconnected from the pretend world.
I've always thought of myself as a better than average person (yeah...I know, maybe that sounds sorta conceited)...one that cares so deeply for others that I often neglect myself...but sometimes I look back at my life & see things that were so selfish I'm ashamed...things that make me wonder if I'm really just some psychotic crazy lunatic trying to live a false life...maybe I'm not such a good person. I don't want to grow old, look back & have regrets so I take chances I don't always believe in. I am a strange combination of impulsive & cautious. Don't really remember where I was going with all this other than thinking I might be crazy. Okay...back to steam cleaning the carpets.
I struggle every day. For a very long time I've been trying to claw my way to okay. It's been hard, can't say it wasn't. But for the 1st time in a long time, I'm finally comfortable with my life. I can finally see that light at the end of this tunnel & it's an amazing feeling.
Laying here thinking about Mother's Days from the past. Once my "significant other" was asked what he got me for Mother's Day. He simply replied that I wasn't his mother & didn't see why he should get me anything, not even a few nice words to tell me happy Mother's Day. I've been a mother for 16 years & thinking about all of them...hearing that is what stands out more than anything. Not saying that Mother's Day is bad for me because of that one year...just that hearing that was very hurtful.
Mother's Day is a day to appreciate all the mothers in your life. Your own mother, your wife or girlfriend, your sisters, grandmothers, aunts, friends...any mother. Mothering is hard work. Let them know they are appreciated. Let them know you care. And try to not say anything stupid.
Some days you will cry...just a part of life. But, there should be more days without tears than days with tears.
A bad day doesn't mean it's a bad life. But you've gotta stand up & stand your ground for the things that you need & want in your life. As well as against the things that bring you down. This takes balls or guts...however you wanna look at it.
I'm beginning to suspect that I have neither.
Most of the time I'm not okay. Most of the time I'll tell everybody I am okay. Is it okay to feel like a walking disaster?
I like safe over sorry. But sometimes I throw safe out the window & can't seem but to run right towards sorry. Is it okay to be so much of a dreamer?
I don't like mistakes. I try so very hard to do what is right, but sometimes there's just no right answer. Is it okay to feel like a failure?
I know what I want. I want perfect. Is it okay to be an idealist in an evil world?
One of these days maybe I will be okay. Until then I'll keep saying I'm okay. Is that okay?
...I don't have a freakin clue what this is. Everything was fine one minute & the next I was back in some sort of hell. I just want to run away & disappear. Leave all the heartache behind me. I look around me & all I see is the pain I cause.
Made a call. Have job feelers out about 150 miles away. Can I really do that? Probably not. But do I want to? Hell yes!
I know what I want. It's never been mine. I don't see how it could ever be mine. It gets dangled in front of me time after time. I think it's right there. I feel like a damn rabbit chasing a carrot on a string. It's always gonna be just a few steps out of my grasp.
I don't like not getting what I want. Yeah, that's a bratty thing to admit...actually bratty isn't even close to the right word. It's down right horrible for me to say that. Here I'll admit it...I'm a horrible person.
I know I have people that care. But just because they care doesn't mean they understand. There's no way they can understand because I guard my innermost feelings with explosives. If anybody knew, they wouldn't think I'm the great person I try to be.
I have so many words log jammed up in my mind. I know there are words to say what I want to say but I can't get them to my fingertips.
Therefore...if anybody cares enough to save me, feel free to do so. I just hope that they know how dangerous I really am. I've destroyed everybody that's ever got close to me. Are there any explosives experts out there that are up for a good challenge?
1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body "falls asleep",
you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing -food, attractive people and danger
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything!
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you'll accomplish, today !
43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
I have come to realize that people are going to be who they are and that might not be best for my fragile heart. So, I love them for who they are but I don’t give them the opportunity to play around with my feelings & emotions. I'm tired of always being the one that gets hurt the most & then has to hide that hurt. Sometimes matters of the heart can take years to recover.
Trust. That's a gigantic word for me. I find it incredibly hard to trust people. So many people that I trusted have hurt me. Some people wonder why I keep to myself so much...well that's why.
What is alone? Alone is not necessarily the absence of company. Alone is a feeling. It's a feeling that you're trapped within your own mind...that there's nobody that cares about what you really feel or think. Alone sucks!
Some people seem to think that when people feel alone & depressed that they're just wanting attention. Well, DUH! Yes they do want attention. That's the whole point. That's why they feel the way they do. They NEED attention.
Why does a person have to reach an extreme before others realize how much pain they were really experiencing? Why is it that after a person reaches an extreme others say, "I wish I could have done something."? Do something now!
You never know what just a small act of compassion or kindness might do for somebody. If something as simple as a smile might brighten somebody's day, imagine what a few friendly words can do.
