I've had friends & family members tell me that they worry about me because I'm distant these days. My mom even told me that she thinks I should get out more.
I've always been one of those people that pretty much keep to themselves. I don't trust people & I don't depend on other people. I don't ask other people to do things for me very often & I rarely even initiate conversation with people. None of that is new though.
What is new is my avoidance of people. It's not any specific person - it's just people in general. I very rarely call anybody. I rarely answer my phone. I don't like going to public places, especially on my own or by myself. I even have a hard time going to normal everyday places like the grocery store. I get all worked up inside when I have to talk to people. I have realized that almost all of my communication is now e-mail or text messaging.
Last Thursday, I was running co-ax cable & ran out of staples. It wouldn't have taken very long to go to town & get some. Instead, I tried everything I could think of as a substitute. I was pretty flustered by the time I found out that it was hard to hold a cable on a wall with out something to wrap all the way around it. I used about 3 strips of nails trying to get enough of them around the cable to hold it in place.In addition to the staples I needed I also had a few other things that needed to be done in town that I had been putting off (I had an envelope that Cody had forgotten to take to school that morning, I had another envelope that had a deposit that needed to go in the bank days ago, I had a little list of things that we needed from the grocery store). David had been working 12-hour days, but was off Friday morning, he had to go in on graveyards that night. I asked him if he was going to town for anything. He said he was & that relieved me because I could just get him to take care of things for me. However, he never went & wound up laying around resting since he had to go to work that night.I finally talked myself into going around 1 or so that afternoon. I figured I could still put off the little list from the grocery store, and just going through the drive-thru at the bank & running into the hardware store to grab some staples wouldn't take too long & I most likely wouldn't have to really talk to anybody.When I was leaving he asked me to go by Riverport & get some ribs & chopped beef for him to take for lunch that night. I tried to talk him into McDonalds or Sonic because I could go through the drive-thru for either of them, but I knew that was a long shot when I mentioned it.He knows that I don't like going in anywhere like that, but has no idea how much I don't like it. I can't (or won't) try to explain to him how nervous it makes me. I don't understand why I'm suddenly like this myself...I know it's ridiculous...I just can't seem to snap out of it. I think I'm a bit screwed up in the head to even be this way, I don't want him to think the same thing about me. Me thinking this & somebody else thinking this about me are completely different. I don't want him to think I may be nuts too.So, I agreed to go by the barbecue place even though I really, really didn't want to. Once I got in the truck & left for town, I was so worked up inside about having to go in there, I cried. I get so nervous everytime I see somebody I know or somebody that knows me (& there is a difference - a lot of people in town know me because I'm married to David, but I don't know them). I dread going in somewhere like that & having somebody talk to me. I try to avoid eye contact with everybody in hopes that they think I don't see them. I try to avoid them completely without giving the appearance that I'm ignoring them. I don't want to talk to anybody but at the same time I don't want them to know that? Does that make any sense at all???So, I made my way to town.I went to the bank first to drop off the deposit that needed to be in the bank Tuesday...yes, Tuesday! I just kept hoping that I would get there before the checks cleared. Even that is strange - writing a check. I haven't wrote a check in what seems like forever...I usually pay all of my bills online because it's so much easier & simpler. But when I sat down to pay bills the first of the week, I didn't want to go to town to drop off the deposit first & so I decided to write checks & mail them off instead...surely I would get to town in the next couple days to drop off the deposit. Well, that going to town to drop off the deposit didn't happen until Friday. I didn't forget, it laid here on my desk right in front of me all week, I just couldn't talk myself into going to drop it off. I thought about going at night so that I could just drop it in the night deposit, but I couldn't ever manage to get out then either. I got to the bank & made the deposit to find out that 5 of the payments I mailed out hit the bank that morning! They were all paid, but having $125 worth of "Courtesy Pay Fees" wasn't exactly great. That meant that depending on how the rest of the checks hit the bank, I would have more bank charges to cover them. My first thought was how I hoped the smaller payments came in first & that the house payment was the last one to reach the bank...that way I would only have 1 more charge from the bank, instead of having several from the little stuff hitting afterwards & creating several. I have automatic payments deposited into another account & that's what I use for normal everyday stuff like gas (that I pay for at the pump, of course), groceries (when I finally have no alternative but going) & other little odds & ends. I deposit enough to cover the bills into this account & give myself about $100 padding for oversights. Not beating the bills to the bank took all of that padding. So, the little stuff did clear first, so I didn't have multiple charges, but there's still a negative balance from that last payment that made it to the bank. I'll get to town in the next few days to transfer some money from the other bank. Yeah, that sucks to know that there's enough money to cover everything but my stupid avoidance of society even hits hard here.Oh well, on to the next stop.The hardware store was simpler. In I went carefully checking out all of the hanging signs to try to make a bee-line for the right aisle. I missed it by 2. I was generally in the right area of the store. I scanned the shelves for staples...wrong aisle. As I was rounding the end of the aisle, here came a guy asking if he could help me find anything. I really dislike sales-people, but I didn't want to come off as rude, so I told him I just needed some staples hoping that he would just tell me what aisle I needed to be on. Wrong again! He said to follow him and he walked to the right aisle. Then instead of just showing me where they were, he started asking what size I needed & what kind of staple gun they were for. I did not want to have to talk to him...I just wanted to look at what was there & decide on which ones I wanted. I told him that I needed about 1/2 inch staples but didn't know off the top of my head what kind of staple gun it was...even though I did. I just wanted him to leave me alone there to look. He finally did but by then I was flustered because I had to "talk" to somebody more than just a hi, I'm fine kind of thing. I stood there pretending to look at the staples for a few minutes while I tried to calm myself down. I briefly scanned the shelf & grabbed the first box of 1/2 inch staples I found. I checked out while pretending to be preoccupied looking at the key jackets there on the counter to avoid another conversation & got out of there. Of course, when I got home I discovered that I had the wrong staples. I could have just gone back & returned them, but returning them or exchanging them for the correct staples would have required more of a conversation, so I just took them down to David's building and stuck them in a drawer. Maybe some day I'll get another staple gun that they will fit. I rummaged around there in the building & did finally find a little strip of staples that would work...I'd just have to use them very sparingly since there weren't very many of them.Then, it was on to Riverport, the most dreaded part of my little trip.It was about 2 in the afternoon by then, so at least the lunch rush would be over & there wouldn't be many people in there. I drove around the block about 3 or 4 times trying to find a parking place close enough where I didn't have to walk very far to get in the door. When I have to walk very far in town, I risk somebody seeing me & coming to talk. All the parking places close to the door were taken except for one small space between a couple cars...not big enough to get my truck in to. I finally just gave in and parked all the way back by the Life Center. I sat there & waited for the sidewalks to clear & then walked as fast as I could without jogging or running to get inside. I got in there only to discover that the girl working was a sister of one of David's friends & married to a guy I went to school with. Crap, I was going to have to talk to her. There's no reason I didn't want to talk to her other than I just don't like talking to people anymore. She's nice & I like her...I just didn't want to have to talk to her...I didn't want to have to talk to anybody. I told her what I needed & she turned the order in to the back so they could get it ready. I had hopes that she would have jyst stood there at the little window to the back & wait for them to get it done, but it didn't happen that way. I tried to pretend like I was looking at all of the stuff they have on the walls so maybe she wouldn't try to start a conversation, but that didn't happen either. She asked about my knee surgery...who did the surgery, how it went, how it was now. She asked about the kids...what grades they were in, who their teachers were, how they liked it, how big they were getting. She asked about David. I did my best to answer everything politely but as specific as I could so I wouldn't lead the conversation into anything else. Another girl working asked me if I wanted a dog. I screwed up & told her no, I already had one & had just acquired another. Stupid me...I just expanded the conversation. She asked what kind of dogs I had & about where or how I acquired the new one. I was absolutely relieved when the order was ready. Back to the truck as quickly as I could.
There are days like that all the time. That's just the most recent example I can think of. It's more than just an inconvenience. It affects day-to-day life. And again, I know it's completely unreasonable...I just can't seem to get my brain to convince my actions how ridiculous it is.
If you call me & I actually answer the call, you can consider yourself a part of the elite few. Most of the time I leave my phone on vibrate so that when it rings nobody else knows & I can easily avoid the call without explaining to anybody that happens to be with me why I didn't answer. My voicemails are automatically converted to text messages & unless I get a message I will very rarely get back with anybody. If I do get a message with a question, I will usually text a reply. But calling back doesn't usually happen because "talking" on the phone leads to conversation & I avoid conversations.
There are a couple of exceptions where I'll answer the call, but not many. I usually answer if it's from my house (okay, sometimes) & I'll usually answer if it's a geo-call from somebody that I have a number stored from (if I know who it is) because I know that those calls are most likely somebody wanting help finding a cache I've hidden or that they know I've found before. Those are pretty straight forward & direct calls...not a lot of beating around the bush or rambling on about who knows what.
I forwarded my mail from my PO Box here to the house because I wouldn't go to check the box more than once a month or so. I call the pharmacy for Cody's prescription refills at night so I know it will go straight to the sutomated refill system...the prescriptions are mailed here to the house. When Camie goes to dance, I take her in & then wait in the truck until she gets out so I don't have to sit in there with the other moms & possibly risk a conversation with somebody. It's just little everyday things, but the People part of them freaks me out now for some reason.
Geocaching is about the only thing I do that I do on my own. I don't mind going out for that because I am in complete control of where i go & what I do. I don't have to depend on anybody but myself & my GPS. I have realized that I usually only go after the caches that are out in BFE though. I avoid going after anything where people could be around. My rule of thumb seems to be that if I can see people, I don't even try to find it. I took the kids out Saturday to work on a series near Carthage. There were about 50 caches in a rural area...all pretty much on backroads. I started out with the hope that the road would be like the roads I pick for series caches...near deserted with very little traffic. The roads we wound up on were buzzing with traffic. There were several caches that I started looking for but stopped because I could hear a vehicle coming down the road. The ones I found were all pretty easy & the ones I abandoned would have most likely been pretty easy ones too, but I just couldn't stand to think that somebody might stop.
This recent thing concerning my extreme avoidance of people just adds to the stress-level from everything else going on. Cody seems to be getting more extreme & new issues seem to be coming up. He's been in 2 "near-fights" at school in the past few weeks. His grades are still great, but his temper seems to be getting shorter & more volatile. He's acquired a new habit of spitting, not just outside or into something...just out of the blue, no matter where he happens to be. I'm trying to battle my "packrat-itis" & have stuff stacked up to the ceiling in the foyer. I've been meaning to have a garage sale, but just can't seem to do it - I know that means people. It seems like everything I've been trying to fix is falling down all around me. Somehow I have to figure out how to fix something for somebody & I'm not sure if I can find a way to do it that's not going to be a pain in the hoo-ha for everybody involved. I have a couple friends that are in some pretty rough spots in their lives that call on me to listen & help them out & it's getting harder & harder for me to be able to be there for them because of my own problems. I know they would listen to me as well, but I just can't ask them to do that. I don't mind listening to somebody else so they can get their thoughts out, but can't seem to talk to them about my own troubles so that I can "get it out" as well.
Surely this won't last forever. I figure I'll either somehow "get over it" or just finally go completely crazy. ...wonder which way it'll go?
