Silence is golden...

SILENCE CAN BE DANGEROUS… IT KILLS RELATIONSHIPS…. it leads to misunderstandings and differences…. when we don’t discuss things we end up making assumptions, and these assumptions cause more problems… Don’t let silence kill your love and don’t let it come in-between two loving hearts…. talk as much as you can…. discuss the things that need to be discussed…. don’t wait for the other person…. if something is bothering you, talk about it…. Never keep silent over about things that are troubling you, and the things you don’t want… never let go anything that is important to you….. talk, and discuss things and compromise… work together as a team, each giving and taking to make it all work… this time spent working it all out is much more important than just partying and sleeping together and never fixing what is wrong.

~Neena Gupta

Maybe I need an aspirin?

It's been almost 2 years & I still get depressed every month that passes by.   I'm okay.  I know I am.  It just sorta sucks. 

The pursuit of happiness...

I, myself, will most likely never be happy.  However, I can do everything in my power to try to ensure that my children are.  That's my purpose & the reason I will go on.

Pretty sure I just need to learn how emotionally detach from everything else to break this cycle of hurt.

Pretending

Sometimes I pretend I'm fine when I'm not.  Sometimes it's all just an illusion.  Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. 

Changes...

Sometimes (most of the time for me) change is not an easy thing...but without change there is no progress.

This year has been constant change for me...lost weight, working again, new house, relationships...  It hasn't been easy, there were a lot of days I wanted to stop & turn around, but I am proud of myself for not giving in or giving up.  

I don't like that people are hurting as a result of my progress, but it feels good to finally take care of myself instead of only trying to make everybody else happy.  It feels good to be happy.  It feels good to smile.  

Broken soul...

I try (usually successfully) to put on a happy & strong face but inside I'm still the same broken soul that I've been for years.  I've tried to sit down & write but I just can't.   I don't know what I'm doing, how to do it, or even how to explain it. 

Alexithymia

Deserving

No matter how much I tell myself it's wrong & no matter the fact that it is actually wrong, I think I'll always secretly feel that I deserve it (even if just a little bit) when I feel hurt.  Sometimes, quite often, I hear things that make my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest.  I put on a strong face.  I don't let it show but inside I shatter every time.  I tell myself that I brought it on myself.  I tell myself that I deserve it because of the pain I, myself, caused in the past.

Nightdreams

I've been sitting here in bed for about an hour with a blank stare into the early morning darkness of my room, catching the occasional tear as it rolls down my face.  The dream wasn't as bad as I know they can be, but it wasn't good like my daydreams. 

I don't like waking up alone when I'm like this.  I wish there was somebody to wake up with me that would assure me that things are gonna be okay...somebody that would just hold on to me & make me believe that I'm loved. 

When I daydream I have that.  I'm gonna catch a glimpse of that meteor shower tonight & I'll wish upon every one of those suckers I see. 

Undrafting my draft...

I have a draft post that I add to when I have an idea to write about but not really time to sit down, think through it & write. 

Here are the ideas I've got in there as of now.  Maybe I'll take some time to tackle them soon...

- Last words are important.

- Temper.

- The relationships that will endure when time passes.

- Shame.

- Dingy little blonde girl vs real me.

- I don't like a fight I can't win.

- I shouldn't hafta fight for my spot if it's my spot. 

Silhouette

When I look into the mirror I almost like the silhouette I see...the only thing missing is you standing there with me. 

Lies

A broken promise, an unkept word...lies come in many shapes & forms.  If you're not gonna follow through, don't even bother saying the words. 

100/100

A relationship is not 50/50. It's 100/100.  Some days you may hafta give more & some days you won't be able to give your all...but that's when your partner steps in. Even if you wind up with a 199/1 day, if you want it to work you buckle down that day & pull the extra weight. You don't make it because of the easy days...you make it because of the tough days. That's when you realize that you're really there for each other.

I don't understand...

If you tell me how bad a person is...that they're a thief & a shitty person, I'm gonna have a hard time understanding why you are always talking to, seeing, & even why you're friends with them. 

Force to be reckoned with?

I may have a hard time being a bitch but do not underestimate me.  When hurt turns into pain or when I actually reach the point of so upset that I'm shaking & my ears are burning kind of mad, I just might surprise you & be a force to be reckoned with.
I usually talk myself down, but in rare cases...

Guilty Dog

Sometimes the guilty dog barks first & loudest...other times it hides in the shadows waiting to sneak back in unnoticed once the pack settles back down.  Doesn't matter which kind of dog you are,  you're still a bitch.

Mad

I just saw a post on FaceBook.  "It doesn't take much to make a woman happy.  It takes even less to make her mad."

I agree, but something inside of me won't let me show anger.  I want to be mad sometimes but I just can't express it.

That's all I have to say about that for now.

Just a memory

It's a sad truth when those that were once friends and/or lovers reach a point of bitterness where they can no longer be anything; not friends, nor enemies, but just strangers with memories.

Why?

Why do I have a day or so of good days just to be followed up my days upon days of bad days?

A good day gives me hope that I'm getting better.  But when the bad days hit all my hope is lost.  I physically hurt & I have no control over anything.

Fear

So many of the choices I’ve made in my life have been reactions to fear. Something in my world changes and inside I panic. I’m attacked by thoughts of disaster. I imagine failure, torment, agony. And then I act. I do something rash or fruitless in order to put a bandage on the situation, because the one thing I most fear is being afraid.