Relationship advice

I found this & had to put it here so I wouldn't lose it.  But I would like to add that this could just as well have been written to women...

Matthew Lucas
Jul 30 at 9:23pm

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s
something about my divorce being finalized this week
that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have
done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and
a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish
I would have had...

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER
take that woman for granted. When you asked her to
marry you, you promised to be that man that would
OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the
most important and sacred treasure you will ever be
entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and
NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you
committed to being the protector of her heart, you must
guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself
fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place
in your heart where no one must enter except for your
wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and
invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else
enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You
will constantly change. You’re not the same people you
were when you got married, and in five years you will
not be the same person you are today. Change will
come, and in that you have to re-choose each other
everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU,
and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give
that heart to someone else or seal you out completely,
and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight
to win her love just as you did when you were courting
her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what
you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus
on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be
bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help
but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you
can no longer see anything but love, and you know
without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth
to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your
job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her
ever changing. And if she changes, love what she
becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own
emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy,
and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for
finding your own happiness, and through that your joy
will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or
angry at her, it is only because it is triggering
something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions,
and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings
take time to get present and to look within and
understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be
healed. You were attracted to this woman because she
was the person best suited to trigger all of your
childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you
could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no
longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why
you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or
upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD
HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you
hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that
pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit
is about change and emotion and like a storm her
emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong
and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to
you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand
present and strong and let her know you aren’t going
anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind
the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously.
Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes
everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love
languages and the specific ways that she feels
important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to
create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and
memorize those things and make it a priority everyday
to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your
focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it
takes to clear your head so that when you are with her
you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your
most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her
away in the power of your masculine presence, to
consume her and devour her with your strength, and to
penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her
melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can
trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being
one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try
not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the
ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect,
just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving
and giving, and sometimes she will need to be
reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes
she will need to fly from your branches to go and find
what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she
will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting
a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to
take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids.
She needs that space to renew and get re-centered,
and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the
kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all
together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings,
and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust
you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially
those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage
to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when
you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of
that courage is allowing her to love you completely,
your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK…
If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her,
and show up perfect all the time, you will never
experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant
pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always
fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when
you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop
working on your relationship. Find common goals,
dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game,
find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never
helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to
leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future
rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let
your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past
mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy
anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.
FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and
always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only
advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through
which all your choices is governed, there is nothing
that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love
will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s
about work. And a commitment to grow together and a
willingness to continually invest in creating something
that can endure eternity. Through that work, the
happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs.
Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from
and love each experience will bring the strength and
perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are
lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in
carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and
in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will
build it with a foundation that will endure any storm
and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain,
share it those those young husbands whose hearts are
still full of hope, and with those couples you may know
who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men
may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons
perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn
to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with
him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you
want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART
in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and
commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an
EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no
greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag
about.