What's next?

I'm not a big planning person.  I usually let whatever happens happen.  When I do actually make plans, deviation from that plan isn't an option for me.  When I hafta change that plan I'm lost...I don't really know what to do. 

I don't know how to talk to people in "out loud" words when there's emotion involved...especially this.  I can't seem to say any words without getting upset.  My usual defense is making light of the situation or sarcastic jokes but I can't do that with this.  I just have no idea what to say...so I just try to avoid the subject.

Being upset about my biological clock pretty much busted has made all my other emotions on edge as well.  I'm having a hard time with everything because I can't seem to focus...I can't ignore the things I usually ignore.

I know time will make things easier...I just wish it would hurry up.

I want to know how to change the plan...what's next...

I don't even know

I keep a whole lot of what I feel to myself.  It's hard for me to understand why I feel the way I do sometimes.  I guess I'm just scared that nobody will understand how I do.  I worry that the way I feel will be seen as wrong or stupid.  I just think it's easier to keep it all to myself than to have somebody look at me & think that I'm crazy. 

I want to be understood but I just don't know how.

Lost & Empty

Yesterday I went & had a HSG to find out if my tubes were open.  The Dr told me that my left side was not working but she thought the right side was working.  But she would hafta wait until she retrieved the high quality images to be sure.  Knowing my left side had went through some major trauma in the past I wasn't surprised at that news.  But I was happy & relieved to hear good news about the right.

Before I even made it home I got the call with the results from the high quality images.  The right side doesn't appear to be open either.  Not the news I wanted to hear.

I pulled over to the side of the road & just sat there for a while.  I really didn't know what to think.  I still don't.

It's a very empty feeling.  A feeling that I don't know how to explain.  I think that I'm most likely more upset than is reasonable but I can't help but feel the way I do.

I make a comparison to a lost child but I don't know how to tell the difference.  The feeling is so similar. 

I'm sure there are people thinking I should just "get over it" but those people don't know what I feel inside. 

I know I'll be okay but it'll be in my own time...not anybody else's.

Last time I shut out the world & kept everything to myself.  I didn't want anybody else to know anything about what was going on.  I didn't have anybody to tell me they cared & that it would be okay.  I knew this but it was very hard to go through that by myself.

This time I don't want to hurt by myself.  Yes the situations are completely different.  But the hollow, empty, hurt feeling is not different.  I'm not saying that I want somebody to hurt like I do.  I just want somebody to try to understand that I'm having a hard time....somebody to just take my hands, hold me close, tell me I'm not crazy, that I matter...tell me that I'll be okay.