Even Now.

Every now & then I come across a song that really hits hard. You know...those songs that really seem to describe something you think or feel & make you wonder how they knew so exactly what was in your head at some point in your life? This one did that.

After all of the odd-ball dreams this past week, coming across this song was just really strange. It was almost like turning the clock back to another point in time.

Even Now
by Caitlin & Will

Well, I was wrong, but you were mean.
Yeah, I got mad 'cause you said those things.
I called your bluff, so you walked out.
So I guess we're even now.

Well I told Jill, and you told Joe.
And I won't name names nut I heard you told someone where I could go.
So I went out & met someone & we had a little fun out on the town.
So I guess we're even now.

We ain't kids...we keep actin' like we are
Playin' stupid games, tryin' to break each other's hearts.
Nobody wins & nobody's keepin' score.
Truth is I just don't think I can do this anymore.
I wish that we could turn this thing around...
'Cause I still love you...even now.

Nobody wins & nobody's keeping score.
Truth is I just don't think I can do this anymore.
...Wish that we could turn this thing around.
'Cause I still love you...

Well, I was wrong.
And I was mean.
Can't we just be even now?

Dependency

Dependency is not a word that I have ever associated myself with. I have always been able to take care of myself. I've never been "one of those people" that are always asking for help.

I don't mind people asking for help from me. I've always been more than willing to help anybody any way I can. I even enjoy it most of the time.

For those of you that know some of the things I've been through, you most likely will find it a little easier to understand why it is so hard for me to "trust" anybody. More than once, depending on somebody else or asking for help caused more pain & hurt than I had ever dreamed possible.

Even now, I don't like to "depend" on anybody else for anything. Knowing that I can take care of things myself puts my mind at ease because I know I can't be let down as long as I am not expecting anything from anybody else.

If I don't ask anybody for anything or if I don't ask anybody for help, I can't be let down...but at the same time, if somebody asks something of me, I go out of my way to help them out because I don't want to "let anybody down" because that is what happened to me.

This summer has been hard because it seems like I've been forced to depend on other people & ask for help. I don't like it & it's been hard. Yesterday was really bad. Several times I just sat down and almost came to the point of crying because there are some things that I just "can't" do without asking for help & depending on somebody to be them to help me.

You get what you settle for...

You get what you settle for.

...don't know why but that's just been in my head for most of the afternoon. A long time ago a very good friend of mine told me this. I know what it meant to me then, but now I am beginning to realize how many other meanings it holds as well.

Think about it and ask yourself what it means to you.