To say that the past few weeks have been hard is an understatement. My life has been changed by the things that have happened & every day it seems that I discover yet another thing to add to that list of changes.
However, being the way I am, I almost always blow off the bad & find the good. I'm not usually one to dwell on anything negative & don't usually let words from others bog me down for too long. I almost always try to do what is right. I'm not saying I always do everything perfectly (you're right, I won't admit to that very often either), but I try to do my best.
Last week, somebody said something that really got under my skin & I haven't been able to completely let it go. I don't like being made out to be the bad guy, especially when I try so hard to not be.
When something bothers me, the easiest way for me to release the stress is to write. When I write like this, posted out in the open, I usually try to do so without calling anybody out - I try to make it anonymous. I can't really figure out how to do that this time. So if I tick anybody off by doing this, so be it. It made me mad when it was said & I didn't say a damn word about it to her b/c I did not want to cause a scene. It wasn't the time or place to do so.
Tim & I divorced about 7 years ago. Since then, he has had very little to do with Cody. The short time period when he did have anything to do with him resulted in a disaster. I do blame a lot of Cody's problems now on whatever it was that happened way back then. The major development for social skills in children is between the ages of 2 & 4...which correlates almost exactly to that same short period.
Cody went to almost a years worth of counseling after one incident that happened. He never would talk about what happened & every time the counselor would try to ease him into talking about what happened over there, Cody would either clam up & not say anything or he would completely ignore the question & change the subject. She was convinced enough that something was not right that she reccommended that any visitation be supervised. At a court hearing to modify the visitation orders to reflect this reccommendation, Tim did not even bother to show up. Instead, he just sent a response to the court basically agreeing to anything as long as there wasn't any money involved on his part. I think that this even shocked the judge a bit. He modified the visitation so that there is now NO court ordered visitation. It is now set up where that the only visitation allowed is at my discretion. This was done before Cody even started school. He started 4th grade this year & Tim has not even once tried to see him.
Cody wasn't even 3 when I married David. He acquired a step-brother & a step-sister. About a year and a half later, Camie was born. Everybody had the last name Tolleson. Nobody pushed anything on Cody. On his own he "decided" that he was a Tolleson as well & would tell anybody that his name was Cody Alan Taylor Tolleson. I didn't correct him b/c as far as Cody was concerned, David "was" his dad...Tim sure as hell didn't make any attempt to be there.
When Cody started school, he didn't understand why they told him that his name wasn't Tolleson. It was all he knew. At 5 or 6 years old, I wasn't going to try to explain to him. He wasn't old enough to make logical sense out of it. So much time had passed since Tim had even tried to have anything to do with him that he wasn't any kind of part of Cody's life. I did a little research & worked up a petition for the court to have Cody's name changed to what he thought it was: Cody Alan Taylor Tolleson. When I called to ask Tim if he would sign the petition for a court order & a waiver of citation so he wouldn't have to be served by the Sherrif's office, his response was basically a "whatever" thing. I took the papers to him, he signed them & that was that. I really couldn't believe how he didn't seem to care at all.
After the house burned, we lived in Bear Creek for about a year before the house was rebuilt. We were at the most a mile or so from Tim's house. He passed by on the road in front of the house more times than I could count. I never even saw him slow down or look even if Cody was outside playing. How can a parent not care enough about their child to even wonder what he looks like? How can a parent drive by so many times & never even try to stop to see their own child?
A couple years ago, I decided to try to "make" the Taylor family have something to do with Cody. I took him over to Tim's dad's house several times. I tried to explain to them why things were the way they were. I told them how it bothered me that Tim didn't seem to care one way or another about Cody. I told them that it was not an intention of mine to "keep" Cody from anybody. I explained to them why I had Cody's name legally changed. I took Cody to see his Paw-Paw occasionally. We even went over there for Christmas a few years ago. I thought I had shown everybody that Cody was still a part of that family as well.
When the house was rebuilt & we moved back to Jefferson, nobody tried to keep that relationship going. I did not think & still don't think that it was up to me to "make" the Taylor family include Cody. I did my best to show that I was fine with the idea of them having him as a part of the family. Even after moving back to Jefferson, Cody would still see Paw-Paw every now & then. It just wasn't as simple for me to drop by when we were not right down the road anymore. But on the few occasiona that we did get out that way, I still tried. It doesn't seem to me that the "try" worked both ways though - it was more like it was all up to me when it came to keeping him as a part of that family. That made it hard on me b/c I wasn't a part of it anymore. I felt out-of-place.
I'm not saying that I couldn't of taken him over there more. I could have. But why was it up to me? Why didn't the Taylor family try to have something to do with him without me feeling like I was forcing him into a family that didn't seem to try to include him on their own?
True, I am not going to try to "make" Tim or anybody else have a relationship with Cody. It shouldn't be up to me to make the Taylor family want to include him. I just can't imagine not trying to be with my child - I can't imagine how a parent could ignore that they even have a child & that is what has happened.
So much time has passed that there is no way I would "make" Cody go with Tim. But I have told Tim numerous times that if he wants to see Cody all he has to do is let me know. I have told him that he is more than welcome to stop by & spend time with Cody. If Cody wants to go somewhere with him, that's fine too. But Cody doesn't even know him. And that is NOT MY FAULT.
A month & half or so ago (I don't know when exactly), I got a message from Patty, Tim's mom, that Jennifer, Tim's sister, wanted to see about getting Cody to see Paw-Paw. I told her that would be fine. I never heard another thing about it. Nobody told me that anything was wrong.
When Patty called me last weekend & told me that RC had died, I was crushed. I felt horrible that I hadn't taken Cody over there more & it was then that I realized why there was that attempt to get Cody over there. I wondered why Jennifer had never followed up after I told Patty that it would be okay.
I felt even worse about it when Jennifer told me that he had been asking to see Cody. I asked her why she hadn't called me. The response was that she (& Patty) didn't have my number.
This is where the things were said that I got so upset about. Jennifer basically told me that it was my fault. If they didn't have my number, how did Patty call me last weekend to tell me what had happened? I've had the same cell phone number for years. If she had no way of knowing how to get in touch with me, how is she in my Friends List here on MySpace....does she not realize that even if she had no way of getting my cell that she could have sent me a message at any time?
How the hell is it my fault???
After Jennifer said this to me, I was HURT. I just got up & walked away. As soon as I turned & started walking away, there were tears running down my face. There are tears in my eyes right now.
I walked around to the front of the house & just sat there on the porch & cried. I couldn't believe that even though I had tried to do what I thought was right, that Cody not being there more was being blamed on me! I talked to a few other Taylor people that came to ask me what was wrong & I told them what was said. I truely believe that they were as upset about it as I was. They seemed to understand what I was trying to say & they seemed to truely believe me when I told them that I felt bad about not being there & they understood why I wasn't there too. They told me not to worry about it b/c they knew me & knew that if I had known about what was going on that I would have done anything I could have done. That meant a lot to me, but I still felt bad that Jennifer had said the things she said.
When I was leaving, I got flagged down by another Taylor that had found out what had been said. He also told me not to worry about it & that he knew I always tried to do what was right & that for that he has always & continues to have a great respect for me b/c of it.
The few people that knew what was said out there that day had nothing but good things to say to me. I really appreciated that & it meant more to me than I could ever explain to them.
But nothing they could say to me changed the hurt that Jennifer did by saying what she said. I don't understand how it is my fault that Cody wasn't there. I don't understand why it is so much up to me to "make" him a part of that family that doesn't seem to try on their own to include him. I don't understand why nobody tried to let me know what was going on & then thinks it's okay to balme me.
I was trying to be sincere when I apologized for not having Cody there to see Paw-Paw. I really didn't know anything was wrong. In return I got cut down & bad-mouthed right there on the spot.
When I was there last weekend, I left my cell number & asked when the funeral would be. It wasn't known yet but they told me they'd let me know. Cody had told me that he wanted to go to the funeral. Nobody called. I figured out when I was there that day that the funeral had been earlier that day.
Jennifer, I hope your intentions were to make me feel like crap b/c you succeeded. But at the same time, it WAS NOT MY FAULT. If you want to blame somebody for Cody not being there, talk to your brother & ask him why he didn't do anything - ask him why (or even how) he has basically ignored the fact that Cody is his son - ask him if he even remembers how old he is or what grade he's in (I told him last weekend) - but you need to know & understand that I am not to blame.
It is not my intention to tick anybody off, but if it happens it happens. I just want it to be known that I have done the best I could. I want it to be known that I did NOT intentionally keep Cody away from anybody. I tried to "make" him a part of that family, but it is not my place to "make" that family want him to be a part of it.
You can get mad at me for this. You can bad-mouth me even more for this. You can do whatever you want to with this. I believe that you owe me an apology but you most likely won't see it that way. You can think whatever you want of me but if the Taylor family ever decides that they do want to include Cody as a part of it, don't hold any grudges against him. He is just a kid that has had a hard time.
Everything I've said still stands. I won't make Cody go or do anything. I'm done trying to "make" him a part of the Taylor family, but I will not prevent the Taylor family from trying to include him. If somebody wants to include him, I will leave the decision up to him.
About a year or so ago, I sat Cody down & told him that Tim was his biological father. He was old enough that I thought he could understand all of it. I have never bad-mouthed anybody from the Taylor family to him. It's not right for me to do that. If he is ever included as a part of that family, I would expect the same respect.
