Can't help but wonder...

...as we sat out there talking, I started wondering to myself if "that" was my problem...in a different kind of way.  A very few select friends know that there was one guy from my past that hurt my heart.  It wasn't really his fault, just for clarification, but when we finally called it quits, I was ripped to pieces inside.  There was a lot going on in my life then & if I had just let him in on a few of those things, we may have pulled through...however, sharing my troubles hasn't ever been something I've done.

I started wondering if I was scared of causing somebody that kind of hurt.

It took me an extremely long time to get past all of what happened after that relationship went bad.  I was so scared of hurting & at the same time I was also scared of being "alone" - so I clung to whatever I thought could not or would not hurt me.  And it worked...until I finally got over that one guy that hurt my heart.  

Now I sit here & wonder how one guy could have such a hold of my heart that it took that many years to get over him.  Sometimes I still wonder if things would have been different if I would have just told him what was going on...if I would have just called...if I wouldn't have just dissappeared.  But now when I wonder I don't get depressed, I just wonder.  ...not real sure how to describe the difference, but there is definitely a difference.  I can now drive down that highway & not want to turn down his road.  I've even talked to him a few times here lately & we're fine.

But I know what I felt like inside after we fell apart...I know how bad it hurt to know that he was gone...I know how hard it was to just wake up in the mornings.  And I don't want to be behind that.  Every time I've finally reached the end of my rope I've pulled myself back in because I can't stand knowing I am the source of the hurt.

Now I just can't help but wonder if I really want to be here or if I am here because I don't want to hurt somebody like I was hurt?  And the bad part about asking myself that question is that I don't want to answer it.  

I've always told myself that I can "make" anything work...one way or another.  I have proven to myself that I can do that.  The only problem with doing that is that I kill the "real me" inside.  I start missing who I really am.  I don't want to feel like I "have" to make something work for it to work.  Of course I'm not in any way saying that things will always be smooth sailing...just that I don't think trying to make things work should make me lose who I am inside.

I'm done with that now.  I want to be me & I want to do the things that make me happy.  I'm happier...I feel better about myself.  But reaching this point has left me numb to the feelings I think I should have.  I just want to be able to be myself & have the people around me happy with that person as well.