Where to go from here

Chris always seemed to knwo just what to say & how to say it whenever I was having problems.  He was always there at my side no matter what I did, no matter what I said.  He knew the "real" me & always accepted who & how I was.  He wanted more from our friendship than ever materialized but never made me choose.  I never knew how much he meant to me or how much I loved him until after he was gone.  

I did blame myself for the accident for a long time.  It was absolutely without a doubt the hardest time in my life.  Within a 2 month time frame, almost everything in my world had fallen apart.  After another very hard blow, he was on his way home from Arizona to see me.  A drunk driver ran a red light.  He died in the helicopter on the way to Phoenix.  That was very hard.

It was not easy & it took a long time to get through all of what was going on & all of what had happened.  He had always been the one that was there with me through times like that & getting through those times without him & dealing with losing him at the same time was more than I thought I could have ever handled.  But I did it...somehow I survived, like he always told me I would get through everything else I had been through.  I just kept remembering things he had told me.  "You will get through this, you will survive, you always do, you're a survivor."

I miss him & right now I need him.  

Now I'm in one of those times again & I keep trying to tell myself that again...I am a survivor.  It is still effin hard though.  There have been days that I've sat in the back corner of my closet in the dark & just cried.  I feel like everything around me has came crashing down & I don't even know where to start picking up.  I just wish he was here with me to help me steer through all this mess.  

I know I'm better now than I was then.  The past 36 hours, I've opened up parts of my past that have been locked up tight & not spoken about for almost 10 years...things that most of even my close friends don't know about me.  I've discovered a couple new friends that in the short time we've known each other have made their way under my skin enough that they now know more about me & what I've been through & what I am going through now than most of the people that have known me for years.  I know that they're both there for me & at the same time I'm a little scared to "let" them be there for me.

I'm at a crossroads in my life & I don't know which way to go.  All I know is that going back isn't right...