Most people that know me know that I almost always find good in anything, even if I have to twist things around a bit & make it up. Well, after yesterday, I'm wondering where to find the good.
Never before have so many things came crashing down around me in a single day. The last time this many things went haywire they were spread out over almost 2 months & that one drove me completely nuts... just ask the people that were close to me. I am at the end of my rope & don't know what to do next. Last night it took me over anhour to drive from my mom's house back to Jefferson because it was too damn hard to see through the tears & in the dark.
That person that used to be there for me when I needed somebody there is gone. Even though I got past the blaming me part surrounding his accident, it's still hard to swallow when I think about why he was coming home in the first place. The person that I've turned to since then for support, reassurance, a shoulder to cry on, a voice of reason, those words of encouragement can't help me right now because one of the world crashing blows yesterday involved the loss of his daughter & his wife being put in ICU in critical condition after an automobile accident. Nobody else has ever stuck with me like they always have. Nobody else has ever wanted to be there for me like they have. Nobody else has ever even wanted to know the real me like they have.
I feel like I have destroyed some, most, of the most important things in my life. I have failed at some of the most basic & primitive tasks. People from the caveman days most likely did better than I have.
#1) Seems that I have destroyed yet another marriage. Even after trying & giving everything I could think of to give, nothing seemed to work. Everything always went back to crap. Now I can't even make myself want to give or try more. I just feel so far away from how I should feel. All I wanted was to be happy. All I wanted was to be "me" again. I was tired of being that person I had become that did everything just to keep the peace in my house. Yes, I was able to do it, somewhat... I didn't do a very amazing job of that either, but doing that only kept everybody else satisfied... it made me miserable inside because I wasn't being "me" - I was being that person I felt I had to be. I used to be "me"... in the beginning of this marriage I was "me"... back then, "me" was what he wanted... but now, "me" just seems to tick him off.
#2) I am anemic again & my blood sugar is all out of whack. Most likely all due to the fact that I've lost a whole lot of weight (don't even want to go into #'s here, but I'm talking about 4 sizes worth) in the past several months. I am back into 1's, so I only have 1 more size to go before I run out of sizes. I am smaller now than I was at the beginning of the marriage I screwed up... actually I think I would be borderline smaller than I was before that first screwed up attempt at marriage. The smaller I get, the more problems I have with iron & blood sugar issues. I'm back on iron pills & am supposed to be eating something every 2 or 3 hours. I can handle the pills, but it's hard to eat when you're not hungry... same as it's hard to sleep when you're not sleepy. And sleepy & tired are 2 completely different things. I am tired as hell, just can't seem to get to the sleepy point.
#3) Cody is having a hard time again. He's on the verge of out of control again. By age 5, he had been on over 10 different medications. Now at 10, he has been on over 20. He has seen about 15 different doctors & specialists. I can't (& I guess don't) control him. I have allowed him to act this way. Last night he chose to stay with my mom instead of me because since things have gone haywire at home, Cody feels that David takes more out on him than he did before. I know this because that's what Cody told my dad last night. I keep thinking about the monsters under the bed talk & the protect your kids conversation at Skinners that night. I have failed at being a mom to him & now I worry that I'll screw up with Camie as well. Even worse, what if I'm screwing up other people's kids too? I think they wonder the same thing... I don't know.
#4) Yesterday afternoon, one of my very best friends lost his little girl in that car accident & his wife is hanging on by a thread in ICU. As of about noon today, she had not made any improvement. His little girl was only 7. His wife is younger than me. It sucks that I can't be there for him in this like he has always been there for me. Sucks too that he can't be there for me this time too.
#5) Would just be a combination crap that went wrong yesterday. Nothing major in itself, nothing even really worth mentioning & some that I won't even think of mentioning here... but that stuff adds up quicker than you think sometimes.
Anyways, right now I'm still trying to figure out where the hell the good part is in all of this. I'm better today than I was yesterday & last night, but at the point I was last night, better doesn't say a whole lot. I break out in tears every time anybody says something that remotely reminds me of anything going on... even if it's about something completely different. I put a new battery on the 4-wheeler earlier & some of the #5 stuff flooded my mind. Who would have ever thought that installing a battery was an emotional thing?
It'll all be okay in the end... if it's not okay, it's not the end.
You will survive this, just like you've survived before... you're a survivor.
I keep running both of those through my head trying to convince myself to believe in them again & trying to convince myself that things will be okay. I don't remember ever having to deal with this much all at once. I should mark down yesterday as the worst day ever so far on my calendar.
