I always strive to make the best out of everything for myself & my children & it is very hard to do when there seems to be one blow after another.
Security is a big thing for me. I want to feel stable & secure. Most of the time I just feel like I’m floating around on a bubble that could pop at any moment leaving me without a lifeline.
I have everything & nothing I ever wanted out of life. I have a great family with amazing kids. Other than that, what do I have?
Chris used to tell me how strong I was. Steven still tells me that as well. I’m not strong…I’m just good at hiding how I really feel inside. I don’t want people to know what I feel or what I think. I don’t want people to know how much I hurt inside. I don’t want people to know what bothers me. I don’t want people to know that I want to cry all the time. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy because I can’t seem to get my life straight.
I’m fairly smart. I know what I’m “supposed” to do & I know “how” I’m supposed to be. I know that some of the things I feel are unreasonable. I know that some of the things I do don’t make a lot of sense. I know that sometimes even the way I feel inside isn’t “normal” & doesn’t really apply to the current situations. I “know” that I have problems…but I don’t want other people to know that because I’m too smart to be screwed up in the head.
I have a hard time admitting anything about “me” to anybody. I have a hard time letting people know “me” & try to scrape by with giving as little information as possible. The less people know about me, the more normal I figure they will think I am.
I just want to be “normal” – whatever that is. The problem with that is not knowing how to be or even what exactly “normal” is. I don’t want to be a train wreck, but that’s what I feel like most of the time. I want to be able to get up in the morning & function like everybody else does. Sitting here thinking about how I am makes me want to cry. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t like being a disaster. I just don’t know how to “fix” it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Ramblin' 7-14
I may not go about doing things the “right” way. In fact, I rarely do things the “right” way according to most other people’s way of doing things. I tend to have my own unique & odd ways of going about things. I see things in a different way than most people do. I overanalyze most things. It takes me longer than most people to come up with the “answer” to a question. It takes me longer than most people to “know” what “I” think about things. Off the “top of my head” I rarely know much of anything.
What I do know is that when I really think about how things have been & how I have been feeling – I know I haven’t been happy & that I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that. However, I don’t just want to give up either.
I guess that’s another oddity about me – I will keep on beating a dead horse even after realizing that it isn’t doing any good & even after my arm gets tired. Depending on how you look at it, that quality could be either good or bad. Don’t ask me though because questions like that – that require me to really think about something – just make my head spin with all the possible “right” answers.
That spins me into another thing – I hate to be wrong. Not just like most people don’t like to be wrong, but really HATE to be wrong. If I’m not 99% sure that I’m right about something, I rarely even attempt saying anything. I will run something through my head in every direction I can think of before I say anything about it at all.
Same pretty much goes for anything – maybe this all goes back to overanalyzing things, but I pick apart anything I have to think about. I want to know what I would “think/say/do/want/see” from different viewpoints – mine, theirs, somebody outside, somebody close, etc. I try to choose whatever seems to be the middle ground between all of them.
I don’t like doing anything that I know will upset somebody else in any way. Even if it’s somebody that I don’t particularly care for, I’ll go out of my way to avoid doing anything that I know they wouldn’t like. I’ll sacrifice my own wants if I know it’ll make somebody else happier or prevent them from being upset. It’s not that I “want” to be this way…just seems I can’t help but being this way. Yeah, sure it doesn’t really make a lot of sense, but seems that most of the time I make little sense.
When something isn’t “right” I’ll try everything I can think of to “fix” it rather than to say anything’s wrong. Especially if I’m the one that feels something’s wrong I’m more at ease just letting them think things are okay than to say anything because then it’s just me that feels bad or flustered…saying something would just make us both feel that way. If it’s just me that feels something’s wrong, I should be able to “fix” things so that I feel better…if both people felt the same way, it’d be different – then we’d both be working to “fix” things. At least that’s the way I see it. I’d rather pretend I’m happy & work on my own to “fix” whatever is wrong than to bring somebody else “down” with me.
I’ve tried for so long to carry everything on my own shoulders & I don’t know how to “not” do that. I know that I can’t keep doing things that way. I know that sometimes I need to let people in & that sometimes I need to let or even ask people for help – but it’s all easier said than done. I don’t know how to “let” people help & I don’t know how to ask people for help. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to…I just don’t know how.
I try so hard to make everything around me seem “perfect” – I want to be “perfect” – I want to have the “perfect” life. It doesn’t work and now it seems that all of that is falling apart.
I feel like I’ve tried to blame everything and everybody except for myself while trying to take that blame at the same time. And as much sense as that most likely does not make, it’s what I’ve done. I try to make everything somebody else’s fault but then I always find a way to turn it around on myself in order to blame myself. I don’t want to be “at fault” for anything because I do try so hard to be “perfect” but at the same time I don’t want to make somebody else feel “less than perfect” by blaming them. When it pretty much comes down to the line, I usually “opt” to take the blame even when I know it’s not my fault…just because I don’t want to “make” somebody else feel bad.
Somewhere I learned that people respond to others better if they don’t feel “blamed” & that using “I” statements are much more productive than using “you” statements. I guess I just sorta clung on to that a little too hard & now I have a hard time doing it any differently.
What if it is all just me? What if there’s nobody else that deserves the fault other than myself? What if all this mess is really my fault with nobody else to blame like I’ve been trying to do?
I sorta have a way of looking at & thinking about things where I figure that every action & decision made is “why” things are the way they are now. If every action creates an equal & opposite reaction…then every action is the reason for every following action. The decisions I made 15 years ago have resulted in why things are the way they are today. If I would have done things differently back then, things would be different now.
On the same page, if I would have done things differently back then, I wouldn’t be “who I am” & the “way I am” now. There are some things that I think are good about me. I think that when it comes to dealing with other people I am extremely reasonable & considerate. (Of course I usually take this to ridiculous extremes.) If I wasn’t this way, I wouldn’t be “me” & I don’t really know how to process that. I don’t know how to imagine me being different that this.
I know that I sometimes let people pretty much “run over” me because I don’t want to make any waves by standing up for myself. I’d like to be able to “stand my ground” a little every now & then. When I wind up giving in on “what I want” I usually wind up finding a way to “ease” them into “wanting” in some way at least part of what I want. Instead of just being upfront & straightforward about something, I’ll try to convince somebody else to “want” what I want. Don’t really know how to explain it to make it make sense the way I want, but that might be close?
I’ve always sorta thought that something was wrong. I’ve always known what I should do, how I should be. The doing what I know part is what has always thrown me for a loop. I get so caught up in worrying about “upsetting” people that I go out of my way to try to do what I think they want me to do. I know I shouldn’t be that way, but knowing & doing something about it are two very different things.
Now that I know “what” it is that makes me this way & even have a very good idea about “why” I’ve became this way, it’s almost like that makes it harder. Now I know that I “need” to do things differently, but it’s still hard to actually do.
What I do know is that when I really think about how things have been & how I have been feeling – I know I haven’t been happy & that I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that. However, I don’t just want to give up either.
I guess that’s another oddity about me – I will keep on beating a dead horse even after realizing that it isn’t doing any good & even after my arm gets tired. Depending on how you look at it, that quality could be either good or bad. Don’t ask me though because questions like that – that require me to really think about something – just make my head spin with all the possible “right” answers.
That spins me into another thing – I hate to be wrong. Not just like most people don’t like to be wrong, but really HATE to be wrong. If I’m not 99% sure that I’m right about something, I rarely even attempt saying anything. I will run something through my head in every direction I can think of before I say anything about it at all.
Same pretty much goes for anything – maybe this all goes back to overanalyzing things, but I pick apart anything I have to think about. I want to know what I would “think/say/do/want/see” from different viewpoints – mine, theirs, somebody outside, somebody close, etc. I try to choose whatever seems to be the middle ground between all of them.
I don’t like doing anything that I know will upset somebody else in any way. Even if it’s somebody that I don’t particularly care for, I’ll go out of my way to avoid doing anything that I know they wouldn’t like. I’ll sacrifice my own wants if I know it’ll make somebody else happier or prevent them from being upset. It’s not that I “want” to be this way…just seems I can’t help but being this way. Yeah, sure it doesn’t really make a lot of sense, but seems that most of the time I make little sense.
When something isn’t “right” I’ll try everything I can think of to “fix” it rather than to say anything’s wrong. Especially if I’m the one that feels something’s wrong I’m more at ease just letting them think things are okay than to say anything because then it’s just me that feels bad or flustered…saying something would just make us both feel that way. If it’s just me that feels something’s wrong, I should be able to “fix” things so that I feel better…if both people felt the same way, it’d be different – then we’d both be working to “fix” things. At least that’s the way I see it. I’d rather pretend I’m happy & work on my own to “fix” whatever is wrong than to bring somebody else “down” with me.
I’ve tried for so long to carry everything on my own shoulders & I don’t know how to “not” do that. I know that I can’t keep doing things that way. I know that sometimes I need to let people in & that sometimes I need to let or even ask people for help – but it’s all easier said than done. I don’t know how to “let” people help & I don’t know how to ask people for help. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to…I just don’t know how.
I try so hard to make everything around me seem “perfect” – I want to be “perfect” – I want to have the “perfect” life. It doesn’t work and now it seems that all of that is falling apart.
I feel like I’ve tried to blame everything and everybody except for myself while trying to take that blame at the same time. And as much sense as that most likely does not make, it’s what I’ve done. I try to make everything somebody else’s fault but then I always find a way to turn it around on myself in order to blame myself. I don’t want to be “at fault” for anything because I do try so hard to be “perfect” but at the same time I don’t want to make somebody else feel “less than perfect” by blaming them. When it pretty much comes down to the line, I usually “opt” to take the blame even when I know it’s not my fault…just because I don’t want to “make” somebody else feel bad.
Somewhere I learned that people respond to others better if they don’t feel “blamed” & that using “I” statements are much more productive than using “you” statements. I guess I just sorta clung on to that a little too hard & now I have a hard time doing it any differently.
What if it is all just me? What if there’s nobody else that deserves the fault other than myself? What if all this mess is really my fault with nobody else to blame like I’ve been trying to do?
I sorta have a way of looking at & thinking about things where I figure that every action & decision made is “why” things are the way they are now. If every action creates an equal & opposite reaction…then every action is the reason for every following action. The decisions I made 15 years ago have resulted in why things are the way they are today. If I would have done things differently back then, things would be different now.
On the same page, if I would have done things differently back then, I wouldn’t be “who I am” & the “way I am” now. There are some things that I think are good about me. I think that when it comes to dealing with other people I am extremely reasonable & considerate. (Of course I usually take this to ridiculous extremes.) If I wasn’t this way, I wouldn’t be “me” & I don’t really know how to process that. I don’t know how to imagine me being different that this.
I know that I sometimes let people pretty much “run over” me because I don’t want to make any waves by standing up for myself. I’d like to be able to “stand my ground” a little every now & then. When I wind up giving in on “what I want” I usually wind up finding a way to “ease” them into “wanting” in some way at least part of what I want. Instead of just being upfront & straightforward about something, I’ll try to convince somebody else to “want” what I want. Don’t really know how to explain it to make it make sense the way I want, but that might be close?
I’ve always sorta thought that something was wrong. I’ve always known what I should do, how I should be. The doing what I know part is what has always thrown me for a loop. I get so caught up in worrying about “upsetting” people that I go out of my way to try to do what I think they want me to do. I know I shouldn’t be that way, but knowing & doing something about it are two very different things.
Now that I know “what” it is that makes me this way & even have a very good idea about “why” I’ve became this way, it’s almost like that makes it harder. Now I know that I “need” to do things differently, but it’s still hard to actually do.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Not sure how to tackle things...
So...now that I know I'm crazy, how do I "fix" it?
So...I'm depressed, co-dependent, have extremely low self-esteem, my stress-index score blows the roof off the chart, and most likely have some major issues with social anxiety issues.
The hard part of now "knowing" all of this is that I already "knew" most of it. Maybe I didn't know what to "call" it, but I knew where the problems were. I even have a pretty good idea where they came from. I know what I should do...I know how I should be...I know how I should think. Knowing all of this & actually doing what I need to do are 2 completely different things. It's extremely hard to change "how I'm wired" because that's the only way I know how to be. (Like I told somebody: I've never been much of an electrician.)
The things I need to do to "get better" seem to go against everything I know as the "right" way to be. I've always dropped whatever "I" wanted for what those close to me wanted. That's the way I see as right. I've always sorta gone back to the "Do Unto Others..." way of thinking. If I know somebody needs or wants something, in my mind, I should do whatever I can to help them. If "I" get sacrificed in the process that's okay because I'm doing a "good" thing for them. If they knew I needed or wanted something & there was something they could do to help me...I would want them to do it. Therefore, I do for them what I would want them to do for me.
I'm supposed to be more outspoken about when things bother me or when things upset me or when things make me mad. Sometimes the "things" are little, quirky things that bug me...things that most people wouldn't ever even notice or think twice about. (Like folding a towel backwards/inside out.) Yeah, stupid little things like that bug the crap out of me. Sometimes they're bigger things like being left inside a store. But saying something every time something gets me bent out of shape seems a little harsh. I'd always be bitching at somebody about something. I may mention something to let somebody know that I don't like something, but I don't bitch & complain...I wouldn't & don't like it done to me...why should I do it to anybody else?
I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but when I know I can do something better it bothers me that I didn't. I will do something over & over until I have it to "my" version of perfect just because I know I can get it there. Yes, I realize that I over-do almost everything, but that's me...part of what makes me "me" & changing that would make me somebody I'm not. I want what I do to be "right" & people I know expect that of me because they know I am that way. Changing that is changing "who" I am.
The social anxiety part...well...that's a little tougher to sort out. The things I've been through in the past have made me that way. I am that way because it's "safe" for me to be that way. I know that it's a little unreasonable & that the extremes I go to are sometimes ridiculous. I know that the situations from the past are highly unlikely to repeat themselves, but since they did almost do exactly that, it's hard to let it all completely go. I did take a major step at this by starting going to Al-Anon meetings, but it's still tough.
I guess I'm just a work in progress. I'm not sure how to get past my "roadblocks" & tackle all of this but I'm working on it. We'll just have to see if I get anywhere.
So...I'm depressed, co-dependent, have extremely low self-esteem, my stress-index score blows the roof off the chart, and most likely have some major issues with social anxiety issues.
The hard part of now "knowing" all of this is that I already "knew" most of it. Maybe I didn't know what to "call" it, but I knew where the problems were. I even have a pretty good idea where they came from. I know what I should do...I know how I should be...I know how I should think. Knowing all of this & actually doing what I need to do are 2 completely different things. It's extremely hard to change "how I'm wired" because that's the only way I know how to be. (Like I told somebody: I've never been much of an electrician.)
The things I need to do to "get better" seem to go against everything I know as the "right" way to be. I've always dropped whatever "I" wanted for what those close to me wanted. That's the way I see as right. I've always sorta gone back to the "Do Unto Others..." way of thinking. If I know somebody needs or wants something, in my mind, I should do whatever I can to help them. If "I" get sacrificed in the process that's okay because I'm doing a "good" thing for them. If they knew I needed or wanted something & there was something they could do to help me...I would want them to do it. Therefore, I do for them what I would want them to do for me.
I'm supposed to be more outspoken about when things bother me or when things upset me or when things make me mad. Sometimes the "things" are little, quirky things that bug me...things that most people wouldn't ever even notice or think twice about. (Like folding a towel backwards/inside out.) Yeah, stupid little things like that bug the crap out of me. Sometimes they're bigger things like being left inside a store. But saying something every time something gets me bent out of shape seems a little harsh. I'd always be bitching at somebody about something. I may mention something to let somebody know that I don't like something, but I don't bitch & complain...I wouldn't & don't like it done to me...why should I do it to anybody else?
I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but when I know I can do something better it bothers me that I didn't. I will do something over & over until I have it to "my" version of perfect just because I know I can get it there. Yes, I realize that I over-do almost everything, but that's me...part of what makes me "me" & changing that would make me somebody I'm not. I want what I do to be "right" & people I know expect that of me because they know I am that way. Changing that is changing "who" I am.
The social anxiety part...well...that's a little tougher to sort out. The things I've been through in the past have made me that way. I am that way because it's "safe" for me to be that way. I know that it's a little unreasonable & that the extremes I go to are sometimes ridiculous. I know that the situations from the past are highly unlikely to repeat themselves, but since they did almost do exactly that, it's hard to let it all completely go. I did take a major step at this by starting going to Al-Anon meetings, but it's still tough.
I guess I'm just a work in progress. I'm not sure how to get past my "roadblocks" & tackle all of this but I'm working on it. We'll just have to see if I get anywhere.
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