Not sure how to tackle things...

So...now that I know I'm crazy, how do I "fix" it?

So...I'm depressed, co-dependent, have extremely low self-esteem, my stress-index score blows the roof off the chart, and most likely have some major issues with social anxiety issues.


The hard part of now "knowing" all of this is that I already "knew" most of it. Maybe I didn't know what to "call" it, but I knew where the problems were. I even have a pretty good idea where they came from. I know what I should do...I know how I should be...I know how I should think. Knowing all of this & actually doing what I need to do are 2 completely different things. It's extremely hard to change "how I'm wired" because that's the only way I know how to be. (Like I told somebody: I've never been much of an electrician.)


The things I need to do to "get better" seem to go against everything I know as the "right" way to be. I've always dropped whatever "I" wanted for what those close to me wanted. That's the way I see as right. I've always sorta gone back to the "Do Unto Others..." way of thinking. If I know somebody needs or wants something, in my mind, I should do whatever I can to help them. If "I" get sacrificed in the process that's okay because I'm doing a "good" thing for them. If they knew I needed or wanted something & there was something they could do to help me...I would want them to do it. Therefore, I do for them what I would want them to do for me.


I'm supposed to be more outspoken about when things bother me or when things upset me or when things make me mad. Sometimes the "things" are little, quirky things that bug me...things that most people wouldn't ever even notice or think twice about. (Like folding a towel backwards/inside out.) Yeah, stupid little things like that bug the crap out of me. Sometimes they're bigger things like being left inside a store. But saying something every time something gets me bent out of shape seems a little harsh. I'd always be bitching at somebody about something. I may mention something to let somebody know that I don't like something, but I don't bitch & complain...I wouldn't & don't like it done to me...why should I do it to anybody else?


I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but when I know I can do something better it bothers me that I didn't. I will do something over & over until I have it to "my" version of perfect just because I know I can get it there. Yes, I realize that I over-do almost everything, but that's me...part of what makes me "me" & changing that would make me somebody I'm not. I want what I do to be "right" & people I know expect that of me because they know I am that way. Changing that is changing "who" I am.


The social anxiety part...well...that's a little tougher to sort out. The things I've been through in the past have made me that way. I am that way because it's "safe" for me to be that way. I know that it's a little unreasonable & that the extremes I go to are sometimes ridiculous. I know that the situations from the past are highly unlikely to repeat themselves, but since they did almost do exactly that, it's hard to let it all completely go. I did take a major step at this by starting going to Al-Anon meetings, but it's still tough.


I guess I'm just a work in progress. I'm not sure how to get past my "roadblocks" & tackle all of this but I'm working on it. We'll just have to see if I get anywhere.