Ramblin' 7-22

I always strive to make the best out of everything for myself & my children & it is very hard to do when there seems to be one blow after another.

Security is a big thing for me. I want to feel stable & secure. Most of the time I just feel like I’m floating around on a bubble that could pop at any moment leaving me without a lifeline.

I have everything & nothing I ever wanted out of life. I have a great family with amazing kids. Other than that, what do I have?

Chris used to tell me how strong I was. Steven still tells me that as well. I’m not strong…I’m just good at hiding how I really feel inside. I don’t want people to know what I feel or what I think. I don’t want people to know how much I hurt inside. I don’t want people to know what bothers me. I don’t want people to know that I want to cry all the time. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy because I can’t seem to get my life straight.

I’m fairly smart. I know what I’m “supposed” to do & I know “how” I’m supposed to be. I know that some of the things I feel are unreasonable. I know that some of the things I do don’t make a lot of sense. I know that sometimes even the way I feel inside isn’t “normal” & doesn’t really apply to the current situations. I “know” that I have problems…but I don’t want other people to know that because I’m too smart to be screwed up in the head.

I have a hard time admitting anything about “me” to anybody. I have a hard time letting people know “me” & try to scrape by with giving as little information as possible. The less people know about me, the more normal I figure they will think I am.

I just want to be “normal” – whatever that is. The problem with that is not knowing how to be or even what exactly “normal” is. I don’t want to be a train wreck, but that’s what I feel like most of the time. I want to be able to get up in the morning & function like everybody else does. Sitting here thinking about how I am makes me want to cry. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t like being a disaster. I just don’t know how to “fix” it.