What if we run out of food?

What do I write when I want to write but don't know what to write?

I didn't used to run into this problem...I used to be able to sit down here & wind up clicking away at the keys for hours...but back then I wasn't concerned about anybody actually seeing what I wrote either because I wasn't publishing it to the world wide web.

I know of a few people that check every time something new pops up on here. Them, I don't worry about because I know who they are & they know pretty much anything I could post on here anyways...it's the people that I don't know who they are that worry me. I'm not so high on myself to think that this is one of the web's most visited sites, but I'm not dumb enough to believe that those 3 people count for the 1,000+ hits that I have here either. I guess I'm just paranoid enough to think that some of y'all might be some of those people that have always managed to use my thoughts & feelings against me.

Today was such a strange day. Sometimes there are those days where the whole thing is a haze...just sorta blah where I don't really get much of anything done just because I don't want to. Sometimes there are those days that I manage to accompish the moving of mountains...where I do more in that day than most people even attempt in a few weeks. Today wasn't really either of those.

This morning the haze was there. This afternoon I tackled one of those mountains. This evening, I managed to light a couple piddly little fires (even though they were at the bottom of the hill in the flood-lands) & also managed to "stuck" my truck down there as well. Eventful, yeah - a little. Satisfying - no.

There are days when you get that little extra something that makes you smile & feel good about being you. There are days when drinking everything away seems like a good idea. There are days when you glow inside just because of the smiles you see on the faces of your kids. Today was all of those.

It's amazing these days when I realize that I still have "something" that seems to manage to catch attention. "I" feel that I'm still in good shape (especially considering my age) but it is extremely nice when somebody else points it out to me as well. (hell, I feel that I'm even in good shape compared to other girls who are the same age as I claim to be most of the time, lol) So, it is extremely nice when somebody else notices as well. PS - the photo requests were fun too.

Don't worry, I'm not following in the famous alcoholic footsteps of generations past. But yes, I drank a drank or two tonight & enjoyed it. I follow the advice of the comercials (sometimes) and know when to say when. Tonight I followed the advice. I'd hate to get in that "mouthy" state tonight or even worse in that "wild" state.

My kids are amazing! Even when they make me want to string them up by their ankles from that big oak tree out back, they still manage to make me smile. After learning that the truck was stuck down the hill, Camie's first reaction was worry..."What if we run out of food?" There's my bright side - I'm pretty sure I'll have it out before then. =)

2009 in Review I

Everybody's heard it before: The more things change, the more they remain the same. Well, this year has pretty much been that statement over & over to the point where I say "It sucks!"

The year has been hard. That's the easiest way to sum it all up.

The year started out with a bang when what I thought was one of my best friends decided to tell my husband I was having an affair. I do applaud her creativity in telling the story since she didn't really have a clue about what was going on. For honesty's sake, yes things most likely went farther than they should have, but as far as the way she had things set up she was about 4 or 5 planets off base. It was a shock to hear about all I had done & a learning experience for sure! Once I actually caught up to what had supposedly happened I thought it was all pretty funny...especially after I found out that I wasn't as much in the wrong as he was!

The shock wore off & I started to think that maybe her imagination would be a good thing. I knew that for a long time things hadn't been good here at home. Maybe this would push us over the edge. I thought it should have. However, when has anything in my life been "normal" or worked out the way it would for "regular" people?  I might as well go ahead & say that what I found is what I really think I should have, but again...when has anything really worked out in my favor?  lol

I've moved out & back in too many times to even have an accurate count any more. At one point I even told him the only reason I was still here is because I didn't have anywhere else to go. Another time I told him that we just lived here - not really together & that he could do his thing & I would do mine - sorta split the house thing - that worked like a lead balloon.

One of my best friends in Arizona lost his wife & daughter this year in an automobile accident & he's been in several times this year. I've finally faced down some of the remaining demons from my past & together we've done a lot of grieving. That baby all those years ago I feel is finally at rest. I finally decided that letting go of that one that I couldn't let go of was possible.

This past year I've finally opened myself up a little bit. I've finally talked about some of the things that I went through. I'm not to the point of being open & upfront about everything but just knowing that I "can" talk about what happened has made it easier.

I still find myself guarding my thoughts & feelings - even here I am extremely careful about what I say & how I word it, but I'm getting better little by little.

I sorta think sometimes that maybe I'm growing up (ha ha). I'm just now getting to that do what I think I want to do stage instead of trying to just do what everybody else wants me to do stage. The 4 tattoos & tongue piercing are all from the past year. The going out & having fun - that's from the past year...I even went to my first bar this past year! (I don't really count going with dad to drive him home.) I think I've finally made it to about 23! (although anywhere between there & 26 I'll go for)