2009 in Review I

Everybody's heard it before: The more things change, the more they remain the same. Well, this year has pretty much been that statement over & over to the point where I say "It sucks!"

The year has been hard. That's the easiest way to sum it all up.

The year started out with a bang when what I thought was one of my best friends decided to tell my husband I was having an affair. I do applaud her creativity in telling the story since she didn't really have a clue about what was going on. For honesty's sake, yes things most likely went farther than they should have, but as far as the way she had things set up she was about 4 or 5 planets off base. It was a shock to hear about all I had done & a learning experience for sure! Once I actually caught up to what had supposedly happened I thought it was all pretty funny...especially after I found out that I wasn't as much in the wrong as he was!

The shock wore off & I started to think that maybe her imagination would be a good thing. I knew that for a long time things hadn't been good here at home. Maybe this would push us over the edge. I thought it should have. However, when has anything in my life been "normal" or worked out the way it would for "regular" people?  I might as well go ahead & say that what I found is what I really think I should have, but again...when has anything really worked out in my favor?  lol

I've moved out & back in too many times to even have an accurate count any more. At one point I even told him the only reason I was still here is because I didn't have anywhere else to go. Another time I told him that we just lived here - not really together & that he could do his thing & I would do mine - sorta split the house thing - that worked like a lead balloon.

One of my best friends in Arizona lost his wife & daughter this year in an automobile accident & he's been in several times this year. I've finally faced down some of the remaining demons from my past & together we've done a lot of grieving. That baby all those years ago I feel is finally at rest. I finally decided that letting go of that one that I couldn't let go of was possible.

This past year I've finally opened myself up a little bit. I've finally talked about some of the things that I went through. I'm not to the point of being open & upfront about everything but just knowing that I "can" talk about what happened has made it easier.

I still find myself guarding my thoughts & feelings - even here I am extremely careful about what I say & how I word it, but I'm getting better little by little.

I sorta think sometimes that maybe I'm growing up (ha ha). I'm just now getting to that do what I think I want to do stage instead of trying to just do what everybody else wants me to do stage. The 4 tattoos & tongue piercing are all from the past year. The going out & having fun - that's from the past year...I even went to my first bar this past year! (I don't really count going with dad to drive him home.) I think I've finally made it to about 23! (although anywhere between there & 26 I'll go for)