Thursday, May 29, 2014

I don't even know...

...I don't have a freakin clue what this is.  Everything was fine one minute & the next I was back in some sort of hell.  I just want to run away & disappear.  Leave all the heartache behind me.  I look around me & all I see is the pain I cause.

Made a call.  Have job feelers out about 150 miles away.  Can I really do that?  Probably not.  But do I want to?  Hell yes!

I know what I want.  It's never been mine.  I don't see how it could ever be mine.  It gets dangled in front of me time after time.  I think it's right there.  I feel like a damn rabbit chasing a carrot on a string.  It's always gonna be just a few steps out of my grasp.

I don't like not getting what I want.  Yeah, that's a bratty thing to admit...actually bratty isn't even close to the right word.  It's down right horrible for me to say that.  Here I'll admit it...I'm a horrible person.

I know I have people that care.  But just because they care doesn't mean they understand.  There's no way they can understand because I guard my innermost feelings with explosives.  If anybody knew, they wouldn't think I'm the great person I try to be.

I have so many words log jammed up in my mind.  I know there are words to say what I want to say but I can't get them to my fingertips.

Therefore...if anybody cares enough to save me, feel free to do so.  I just hope that they know how dangerous I really am.  I've destroyed everybody that's ever got close to me.  Are there any explosives experts out there that are up for a good challenge?

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Some good stuff...

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years

3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.

6. If a part of your body "falls asleep",
you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing -food, attractive people and danger

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.

12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia

16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!

17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!!

18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !!

19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!

20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.

23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.

25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything!

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'

37. What other people think of you is none of your business.

38. Time heals everything.

39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you'll accomplish, today !

43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

Alexithymia

Emotional Shut-Down

I have come to realize that people are going to be who they are and that might not be best for my fragile heart.  So, I love them for who they are but I don’t give them the opportunity to play around with my feelings & emotions.  I'm tired of always being the one that gets hurt the most & then has to hide that hurt. Sometimes matters of the heart can take years to recover.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Deserving

No matter how much I tell myself it's wrong & no matter the fact that it is actually wrong, I think I'll always secretly feel that I deserve it (even if just a little bit) when I feel hurt.  Sometimes, quite often, I hear things that make my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest.  I put on a strong face.  I don't let it show but inside I shatter every time.  I tell myself that I brought it on myself.  I tell myself that I deserve it because of the pain I, myself, caused in the past.

Who I Am (answers)

1.  Country - but a little of both
2.  Winter
3.  Fishing - anything but shopping
4.  Football
5.  Country
6.  Night Owl - but I enjoy my sleeping time
7.  L-K
8.  Angela Michelle Dalrymple - don't call me that!
9.  Leather
10. Taco Bell
11. Whiskey - never had wine
12. Longhorns & Gators
13. Royal Purple - also camo, blue, green, orange & white
14. Camera Shy
15. Horseback 

Nightdreams

I've been sitting here in bed for about an hour with a blank stare into the early morning darkness of my room, catching the occasional tear as it rolls down my face.  The dream wasn't as bad as I know they can be, but it wasn't good like my daydreams. 

I don't like waking up alone when I'm like this.  I wish there was somebody to wake up with me that would assure me that things are gonna be okay...somebody that would just hold on to me & make me believe that I'm loved. 

When I daydream I have that.  I'm gonna catch a glimpse of that meteor shower tonight & I'll wish upon every one of those suckers I see. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Undrafting my draft...

I have a draft post that I add to when I have an idea to write about but not really time to sit down, think through it & write. 

Here are the ideas I've got in there as of now.  Maybe I'll take some time to tackle them soon...

- Last words are important.

- Temper.

- The relationships that will endure when time passes.

- Shame.

- Dingy little blonde girl vs real me.

- I don't like a fight I can't win.

- I shouldn't hafta fight for my spot if it's my spot. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Silhouette

When I look into the mirror I almost like the silhouette I see...the only thing missing is you standing there with me. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Lies

A broken promise, an unkept word...lies come in many shapes & forms.  If you're not gonna follow through, don't even bother saying the words. 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Fall in Love

Fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat.  Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE they would love to wake up to each day.

~ Author Unknown