The bulletin survey that was so hard on me.

If you were given an extra $10 in change at Wal-Mart, what would you do with it & why?
Be pretty confused b/c I usually use my debit card & don't get cash back. However, if for some strange reason, I rec'd an extra $10 in change, I'd most likely stand there & look confused as well wondering why I had too much money…then I'd wind up explaining to the "not-so-bright" cashier how to count money backwards & match it up with the amount the register shows to hand back to the customer.



What's the biggest lesson you've learned from your past relationships?
That I should be more choosy.



What's one of your worst habits?
The one that bothers me the most is the habit I have of allowing other people to determine how I feel & what I want. I tend to base what I "want" on what others want. I hate that.



Choose a unique item from your wallet & explain why you carry it around.


I don't even know what I have in my wallet…most likely stuff that's been there for the past 5 years or so. I carry it around because it's there I guess.



If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be & why?
I would be a little smaller again. I don't like being bigger than I used to be.



If you were given a million dollars & 24 hours to spend it in (no depositing or investing), what would you do with it?
First off, I'd be bill free. I'd try to find a land with a house; pretty much anything the kids want; new truck; new car; maybe I'd buy an (established) grocery store to take care of the grocery part of the rest of my life…I really don't know, but if anybody is really interested, give me that million & 24 hours & I'll see what damage I could do.



What do you value most in life?
It seems that the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have neglected those things that I value the most.


I value happiness. I value family. I value my ability to be. I value doing the right thing compared to the easy thing. I value friendship. I value each & every day as a chance to make things better.



What is your greatest regret?
Neglecting those very things I value the most & realizing that by doing so I don't make anything better.



What do you see as your greatest achievement?
I see future great achievements in my kids. That is what I want my greatest achievement to be & right now it is all a work in progress.



How do you deal with someone you don't like?
The same way I would want them to deal with me. Just because I don't like somebody does not give me the right to treat them badly. Just because somebody doesn't like me does not give them the right to treat me badly either. Everybody deserves to be treated fairly. Regardless of whether I like somebody or not, I try to treat them the same way I would want them to treat me.

(Do unto others…)

What do you feel you are entitled to in life?
…a fair chance. Nobody is "entitled" to more than anybody else. (Not saying it works that way, but it should.) You are entitled to what you earn.



How do you personally define right & wrong?
I always try to look at things from the other direction. If I was at the other end of any particular action, what would I think was right; what would I want; what would I feel? My view of right is what is best for everybody involved. If I wouldn't want something done to me, somebody else most likely doesn't want it done to them either.



Your dream vacation?
I'm an adrenaline junkie…I want an adventure of some sort! Yeah, pretty & relaxing is nice, but I want to have fun. I want to go do something that I will remember…(climb a mountain, go parasailing, skydiving, bungee jumping, whitewater rafting, drive a racecar, ride a roller coaster, ski trip, backpacking, cattle drive (lol), dog sledding across Alaska, llama trekking, hot air ballooning, rock climbing, etc.

) Sure, I want some time to just sit back & relax, but I want there to be a reason to relax!

Worst injury you've ever had?
I've never been seriously injured. I guess you could say a knee injury since I did just have knee surgery, but it wasn't a "serious" injury…it wasn't going to kill me.



What do you want to know about the future?
I'd like to say that I want to know how everything works out & ends up…but at the same time, I think knowing would change it. If I knew what the future held, most likely my decisions would be different b/c of knowing…then the future wouldn't be the way it was going to be before I knew.

Yeah, does that make sense?

What are you listening to right now? Out loud or in your mind?
Move Along by the All-American Rejects & it is actually playing outloud.



Do you collect anything? What?
You want to take a wild guess? Eggs (lol). Nice, pretty, girly & even sometimes dainty eggs…some are glass or porcelain, some are metal. They're the only "frilly" things in the entire house.



Do you like hot sauce?
Sometimes…mainly in salsa form with chips.



What is your heritage?
German, Scottish-Irish, Indian

What do you have in your pockets?
Just my cell phone today…usually have my debit card & drivers license in my back pocket if I go anywhere though.



Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits or other defining characteristics?
They're only that way to other people…to me they're perfectly normal!
I have very particular ways of doing things: certain way & pattern to walking my ½ mile "track every day, certain way of mowing the grass (direction & pattern), certain way of folding & stacking clothes, there are tons of little things that other people find odd…

What is your earliest memory?
Not exactly a good one.



As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A smurf (lol), seriously.



What are some influences from your past that have led you to do the things you do today?
The ones that have influenced me the most are the bad ones. I still think about them and try to learn from them.



What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?
Becoming a mom.



What is your greatest regret?
Not standing up for myself more; taking the easy road rather than the right one.



In your opinion, what is the most evil thing a person could do?
Living a lie…not being true to oneself or those you care about.





Here's where I stopped
.............................................................................................................................


If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be & why?
The past is why I am who I am today. I think that by changing even 1 little thing, that everything else would have changed from that point forward. There are some things in my life that are absolutely wonderful & that I wouldn't trade or want to change for the world & for that reason I have to say that I don't want to change anything, even the bad, from my past.



Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?
Optimistic - almost to a fault!


What is your greatest fear?
Fear itself. I hate fear & how it makes me feel & what it does to me. I really can't think of anything I'm afraid of other than that. I'm an idiot most of the time & do really stupid stuff for fun (ha ha). But I really have a problem with being afraid or scared. This usually comes in the form of fear to hurt somebody's feelings or let somebody down.



What do you believe makes a successful life?
Being happy with yourself & the choices you make.



How honest are you about your thoughts & feelings?
I keep my thoughts & feelings to myself for the most part. I don't like people to know what I think; I don't like people to know how I feel. It makes me too vulnerable & I don't like that. However, I don't like keeping it all to myself either. It's not fair to me or those that are close to me.



Who or what, if anything, would you go to extremes for?
my kids - no questions asked


In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping the at a distance, etc)? How close are you to your family?
I tend to keep everybody at a distance in some way or another. I've really been trying to work on that though. I treat people the way I would want them to treat me. Like the previous question about treating those you dislike...I treat everybody, regardless of what I think about them, as fairly and as nicely as I can. I do usually come off pretty rough around the edges & sarcastic but I try not to do so in a hurtful way.



Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?
I really don't know. Most likely my mom. But I rarely turn to anybody for help, even when I should.



Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who & why/why not?
no. I am a trusting person to an extent, but at the same time, as far as "me" is concerned, I don't think there is anybody I trust in a "with my life" situation...I think I was burned too many times & just have an extremely hard time letting anybody "in" that close to trust them that much.



Do you care what others think of you?
In certain circumstances, yes. But for the most part, no. I am me. I do the things I want to do. I dress the way I want to dress. If somebody doesn't like that, it's not my problem. I am mostly a take me as I am kind of person. There are instances when I've bent on that a little bit, but it's not "me" to hide who I am for somebody else's pleasure.



What makes you laugh?
I make myself laugh all the time. It sure as hell beats making myself cry! I love sarcasm & laugh b/c of that a lot. My kids make me laugh a lot...especially Camie. You wouldn't believe some of the things that come out of her mouth.



How do you deal with stress?
I ignore it. Definitely not the best thing to do with it. Sometimes if I get really stressed, I walk it off; sometimes I clean like a crazy lady; sometimes I write.



Are you spontaneous or do you always need to have a plan?
I rarely have a plan. I have a hard time sticking to plans (ADD-itis). I usually want to have a plan, but it seems like every time I try it doesn't work b/c if I take the time to try to plan something, it HAS to be perfect & until it's perfect, it's not right. I'll wind up spending more time planning than any logical person would see necessary & then something usually happens that screws the plan up...so spontaneous is good.



Describe a routine, normal day for you.

wake up...get the kids fed & make sure they're dressed in "daytime clothes"...wash & fold a load or 2 of clothes...unload & reload the dishwasher...sit down here for a while...wash & fold another load of laundry...empty the dishwasher...fix the kiddos some lunch...do some sit-ups & push-ups...clean up from the kids having a food fight...part 1 of my daily walks...check the mail...get back on here for a while...2nd set of sit-ups & push-ups...start something for supper...finish up any laundry stragglers...finish supper...get back on here for a while...clean up the kitchen after the kids eat...get the left-overs half-way put up so when David gets home & eats, I can move them to the fridge...get the kids in for their baths & ready for bed...get back on here for a while...re-clean the kitchen after David goes through it...put left-overs away...get the kids in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...finally crash myself.



What is your greatest strength?
I truly care about other peoples feelings.



What is your greatest weakness?
I truly care about other peoples feelings & let that compromise my own feelings a lot of times.



If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be better about caring for my own wants & needs.



Do you like yourself?
sometimes


What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?
I want to be happy & I want my kids to be happy.



Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
a mental health facility (ha ha - come on, I've got to at least have 1 sarcastic answer in all of these somewhere!)


What is the one thing you would most like to be remembered after your death?
That I always made the best out of life & that I was the best mother possible to my kids.



What 3 words best describe your personality?
hard-headed, stubborn, sarcastic


What 3 words would others use to describe you?
hard-headed, stubborn, sarcastic


What have you found to be the best way to relieve tension?
Sit down & just write whatever pops in my head.



Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
Sky Diving! Doing it in April!


What is your biggest regret?
Not being more honest with myself & others about how I really feel & what I really want.



What do you like best about your life?
That I have 2 amazing kiddos.



What do you like least about your life?
That I don't always do what I think "I" need to do & more often than not focus on what other people want me to do.



What is the dumbest thing you've ever done?
Think that I can make things change & hold on waiting for that to happen. Maybe not the dumbest, but I see that as my biggest flop. "I" can't carry the world around on my shoulders & I try to hard to do so.



What is your favorite way to relax?
Drive


What is your favorite thing to do alone?
Drive - I don't have to know where I'm going, just going is an amazing time to think to yourself.



Are you a good parent? Why/why not?
I try to be the best parent I can be, but I know I have definitely had my share of bad-parent moments. I don't deny that. But the main thing is to learn & improve. I wasn't born a parent. The best I can do is to learn as I go.



What is the weirdest thing about you?
"I" am weird. I do strange things in strange ways. That's just me.



Glass half full vs glass half full?
Half Full


Three places you would love to visit?
Germany, Scotland, Australia


Super powers you wish you had?
I "have" super powers - I am Sparkle Dirt! (okay, another sarcastic one.)

God’s Wings

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings...

After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.

The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies.

When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge" (Psalm 91:4)

Being loved this much should make a difference in your life.

Remember the One who loves you and then, be different because of it.

What does the Bible mean?

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It means 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

The Plan of the Master Weaver

Our lives are but fine weavings
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
And fashioned in his care.
We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the Master's hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide . . .

Sometimes a strand of sorrow
Is added to His plan,
And though it's difficult for us,
We still must understand
That it's He who fills the shuttle,
It's He who knows what's best,
So we must weave in patience
And leave to Him the rest . . .

Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why -
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Attitude is everything.

Julie posted this earlier today on her MySpace blog. I've read it several times since. I am re-posting it here b/c maybe it will help a few people "see" why I always try to make the best of things.

Read it, read it again & really think about it. My choice is to be happy. My choice is to somehow find something good in everything that seems so bad.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.' Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?' I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live..'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.

He continued, '...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'. Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

The 3 wise monkeys

The Three Wise Monkeys have names:

Mizaru (See no evil)
Mikazaru (Hear no evil)
Mazaru (Speak no evil).

...some story writing time (2)

The bell rang and she was off to the parking lot to find her ride. She looked around & spotted the truck but not her cousin. Instead she found her cousin's boyfriend & his older brother. They explained that they were the replacement drivers because her cousin had been sidetracked with getting things ready for the party & asked them to help out. She loaded up & they were all on their way.

They all made small talk & the ride was enjoyable. The older brother seemed nice enough; this was the first time she had met him. They all laughed about how things were planned out in order for her to be gone all weekend. As far as her parents knew, she was staying with a friend from school like many other weekends before. The fact that she would be about an hour away from there was something that they would have never agreed to.

The trio made it to their destination unscathed. But that was about where the "going as planned" part ended. They had made a couple stops on the way to stock up on the party essentials such as alcohol & ice. As they unloaded the truck, she was greeted by a not-so-happy boyfriend. For the past couple weeks they had been an "item" & for the past several hours, he had been cramming for the party. She smelled the beer on his breath. He demanded to know where they had been & why it had taken them so long to get there.

A little jealousy wasn't unusual from him & she blew it off fairly quickly. After all, how mad could he really be? It was his best friend driving & his best friend's brother along for the ride. Surely he didn't think that they'd make a move on "his" girl. Since his best-friend was dating her cousin & this was his birthday party, he definitely had no reason to move in on her. Since she had never even met the older brother, it wouldn't have made a lot of sense to worry there either.

Darkness fell & the bonfires were lit. The music blasted from the back of the house & everybody was having a good time. In spite of the fires blazing, the September darkness brought a chill along with it as well. He was still acting a little strange & told her that if she was cold, he'd be more than happy to keep her warm. Taking this more as a joke than anything else, she went back to the truck she had came in to get her jacket.

The older brother of her cousin's boyfriend followed her out in hopes of checking on her & how things were going with the jealous boyfriend. She told him that things were fine & that he wasn't upset anymore. She explained it all away as just missing her. She took her things from the truck & carried them inside. After searching through, she realized that there was no jacket. The older brother grabbed an extra out of his truck which she graciously borrowed. He told her to watch out & be careful with her boyfriend. He had been around earlier & heard some plans being made that she had no awareness of. She told him that he was just blowing it out of proportion & that everything would be fine. She didn't think anymore about it.

When she returned wearing somebody else's jacket, her boyfriend threw a fit. After slamming her up against the truck he was standing beside, he quickly let her go & began to apologize. She was shaken a bit but "knew" that it was just the beer talking. He told her that he wanted her to go with him to the pool house b/c he wanted to help him pick out some new music to turn on. The speakers were pulled around the sides of the house, but the stereo was stationed in the pool house.

He seemed to be a little more logical & she began to feel a little more at ease. Then out of nowhere, all hell broke loose.

He did change the music, in more ways than one. Before going back to the party, he again began to apologize for the jealous behavior. He picked her up and sat her on the poolside table. He started out by explaining that his jealousy was not meant to scare her

Teenage boys always seem to be filled with an endless supply of bullshit & he was not unlike the rest of them in that manner. He told her that he didn't want to share her with anybody else, that he wanted to have her all to himself. He moved in closer to her as he spoke.

The tone of the apology didn't remain as such for long. He told her how that night was "their night" & how nobody was going to take that away from him. He told her that she was there to be with him & nobody else.

He slammed her down on the metal table. As she struggled against him, he laughed & told her that it didn't matter if she fought him or if she screamed. The music was so loud that nobody was going to hear her. The contrasting music from the trucks in front would help drown out any noise she could make.

He used the jacket she wore against her by pulling it partially down her arms. She could feel & taste the blood on her lip from where he hit her after first pinning her on that table. She felt like her face was on fire. For the first time in her life she started realizing that she couldn't always control what happened to her. He had her pinned down and even though she tried, she couldn't manage to free herself. He just kept pressing into her, telling her that until she stopped fighting, he wouldn't let up. He told her that there was no reason to fight something they both wanted.

She did finally stop struggling so hard. She couldn't believe what was happening to her. While he was on top of her telling her how this was what they had both been looking forward to, all she could do was cry. Every time she tried to stop him she got the crap beat out of her. After what seemed like eternity, she managed to get her leg interlaced through one of the chairs. It crashed into the pool & that made him even more furious with her.

She could feel the diamond pattern of the table pressing into the flesh of her back. The edge of the metal table was cutting into her wrists that he had pinned behind her back.

She heard a voice call out & it startled her attacker. He jumped off of her and told the voice to go on that things were fine there. The voice continued coming towards them and she recognized the older brother of her cousin's boyfriend. She yelled out for him to help.

When everybody realized that everybody else realized what was going on, the attack on her stopped and the attack on the attacker began. She ran to the pool house and wrapped herself in a blanket that she had found. Her cousin was right behind the older brother and rushed to her side.

The voices from the pool finally had gained enough volume that others heard it. When the fight was pulled apart, the attacker didn't try to retaliate. Somebody was caring enough & unaware enough of what had really happened to call an ambulance. The final ruling to the attacker included several broken ribs, a collection of stitches to the face & a broken arm.

The severe-ness of the fight put an end to the party. She refused to allow either of the witnesses to reveal what had really happened. She told them that she would deny anything happened if they put her on the spot. Due to the nature of the injuries, the police were notified.

The only 2 witnesses to what had happened told the police in front of the attacker that the fight had occurred b/c he refused to hand over his keys. It was very obvious that he was loaded with alcohol. They alleged that when he demanded that she leave with him that she refused and he lost it and hit her. That is when they went on to say that the fight between the guys ensued. All accounts put the attacked instigating the entire ordeal & that the fight causing these injuries was self-defense & provoked.

Despite the alcohol intake, the fight was quite sobering. He at least had the brains to see that their story was his ticket out of a whole heap of trouble.

She sat there curled up in that blanket in the corner of the pool house. At times, she's still there in her mind; she stays there & refuses to accept what happened.

On Your Mind

Most of the time we hear songs & never really "know"what it is that the song is trying to say. We get lost in the tune, single out bits & pieces or just simply get sidetracked.

I do the same thing. I like the "way" a song sounds therefore I like the song. The difference is that when I "like" something I tend to analyze every little aspect of it. I want to know just what is being said.

That is why occasionally I post the lyrics to a song here in my blog. I want people to "hear" what the song is saying vs. just hearing the song.

On Your Mind by Sister Hazel

To sit here and wait
It goes against my will
What I can't replace
Is the time of mine I spent so far away
Can I remind you
Can I piece together a scene of what we were
If I'd only known
This was just a start of a long goodbye

[Chorus]
I'm waiting to be on your mind
I feel like I'm falling through
I'm waiting to be on your mind
To show you I'll be fine

Where did you go
I thought I saw the light inside your eyes
Oh.. How will I know
If you can even hear yourself inside
Body or mind, Whatever can hold you
Better than pretending that this is a life
Oh... I'll let you go
But I need a hand to push you away

[Repeat Chorus]

I, I've been waitin'
And I feel like I'm fallin' through

[Repeat Chorus]

I'm waiting to be on your mind
I feel like I'm fallin' through
(Fallin through time)
To show you I'll be fine
(Waitin' and Waitin')
I'll be fine
Fallin' through time

Strength...

"..your strength helps us all see that we can get through more than we could ever imagine."

My strength...my strength comes from necessity. When you have a choice between giving up or finding a way to move on, you learn that in order to move on you have to be strong. It is nothing more than that.

Yes, I am glad that people can look at me and gain strength from how I look at life, but sometimes I don't want to be the stronghold. Sometimes I want to be the one that gains strength from somebody else. Every now & then I'd like to be the one that gets through something b/c somebody else steps up to be there for me. I really miss that.

...some story writing time (1)

As the summer days neared their end, she knew something was wrong. She didn't exactly know what or why, but deep down she knew something really wasn't right. The pain became more & more unbearable, both mentally & physically. She had already lost her love & blamed that for the pain that she felt on almost a daily basis. As the days slowly passed, the realization of her loss got stronger along with the ever increasing pain. She dared not speak of the problems because weakness was not something she embraced. Therefore, she kept the heartache to herself; she kept the pain in her gut to herself.

A couple months earlier, she had begun to think that her life might actually start to straighten out. A rekindling of a relationship she longed to have close to her heart showed some hope. He seemed open to the idea of repairing a damaged relationship. She knew the hardships they had encountered were entirely at her hand and having him back in her life was all she cared about. She ignored the little things that made her question his intentions. Deep down she had a feeling that this wasn't what she wanted it to be. Deep down, she knew that he wasn't "with" her in the relationship. However, her hope for a future she wanted so badly overshadowed the fears.

In the past, she had been a source of pain for him. She had inadvertently broken his heart as well as her own chasing demons from her past. She knew the pain she caused him because she felt it herself as well. Having him back in her life was something she had almost given up on. Thinking that she had another chance for a future gave her hope that the demon chasing she had done before might not have resulted in the loss of a love she longed for so badly.

However, her hope in regaining his love & trust faded as he slowly drifted away. She began to realize that the sting from what she had done had left a bitter aftertaste in his heart. As much as she wanted him, she loved him too much to stay and risk hurting him again like she had done times before. She watched in horror as he did to her what she had done to him before until he was no longer a part of her life.

Every ounce of her heart wanted to follow him & beg his forgiveness. And at the same time, she also wanted him to be happy. Knowing the hurt she had caused in the past, she questioned his ability to ever completely forgive her. As strong as she thought her love for him was, she stood back & let him go this time without a fight, believing that he would find a greater happiness without her in his life. She believed that this is how he wanted her to feel & she believed that she deserved it as well. For that reason, she never told him about what happened in the months following. She did not want him to come back to her for any reason other than those in his heart.

When the increasing pain plagued her, she knew that the mental pain was that love that had been rejected. However, the physical pain increased with no explanation & the discovery of its source was a sword more jagged than the pain itself: a child. A pregnancy gone wrong at approximately 8 ½ weeks resulted in a miscarriage. Her heart mourned in more ways than she had ever known imaginable.

It all happened so fast. She had learned of the pregnancy & the loss of it all in one sentence. Discovering a pregnancy at this point, after he had already drifted out of her life was hard. Discovering that it was lost at the same made the sword double-edged.

Tears came in droves, but only in private. She wanted to tell him what had happened, but convinced herself that by doing so, it would only result in more pain. She knew that this could possibly bring him back into her life. She wanted to let him know about what had happened. She wanted to have his shoulder to cry on. She wanted & needed him in her life more then than ever before. At the same time, she didn't want him there with her because of sympathy…she didn't want him there unless he was there because his heart wanted him there.

The one person she confided in was lost to her as well only a week afterwards. He had been the one person in her life that always stood by her & with her, no matter what she went through. He didn't exactly agree with her decision to not share what had happened, but respected her as well. He did his part in trying to convince her not to just let go of her love. He was one of those people who always believed that love would conquer all in due time. He thought that she should have chased after that love regardless of everything else. As much as she knew he wanted her to reveal the baby to the father, she didn't.

It didn't seem fair to her. In just a very short time frame, she had lost more than she ever even realized she had. She lost the man that had, & would always have, a special place in her heart, she lost a baby that would have meant the world to her & she lost the best friend she had ever known. Keeping all of this to herself was excruciating.

Time passed and the wounds partially healed. Life went on & they both went their separate ways. She never stopped loving him & she never stopped thinking about him from time to time. At times, she questioned herself to the point of tears again about her decision to not tell him about the baby. But, she always believed in her heart that it was the right decision. She had left the choice to be with her completely to him & his heart – not his sympathy or grief.

He never chose to come back to her. She never chose to do something that might make him feel an obligation to do so.  In her heart, she still believes that something greater is waiting for her that will eventually make all of this pain fade into a distant memory.