...some story writing time (1)

As the summer days neared their end, she knew something was wrong. She didn't exactly know what or why, but deep down she knew something really wasn't right. The pain became more & more unbearable, both mentally & physically. She had already lost her love & blamed that for the pain that she felt on almost a daily basis. As the days slowly passed, the realization of her loss got stronger along with the ever increasing pain. She dared not speak of the problems because weakness was not something she embraced. Therefore, she kept the heartache to herself; she kept the pain in her gut to herself.

A couple months earlier, she had begun to think that her life might actually start to straighten out. A rekindling of a relationship she longed to have close to her heart showed some hope. He seemed open to the idea of repairing a damaged relationship. She knew the hardships they had encountered were entirely at her hand and having him back in her life was all she cared about. She ignored the little things that made her question his intentions. Deep down she had a feeling that this wasn't what she wanted it to be. Deep down, she knew that he wasn't "with" her in the relationship. However, her hope for a future she wanted so badly overshadowed the fears.

In the past, she had been a source of pain for him. She had inadvertently broken his heart as well as her own chasing demons from her past. She knew the pain she caused him because she felt it herself as well. Having him back in her life was something she had almost given up on. Thinking that she had another chance for a future gave her hope that the demon chasing she had done before might not have resulted in the loss of a love she longed for so badly.

However, her hope in regaining his love & trust faded as he slowly drifted away. She began to realize that the sting from what she had done had left a bitter aftertaste in his heart. As much as she wanted him, she loved him too much to stay and risk hurting him again like she had done times before. She watched in horror as he did to her what she had done to him before until he was no longer a part of her life.

Every ounce of her heart wanted to follow him & beg his forgiveness. And at the same time, she also wanted him to be happy. Knowing the hurt she had caused in the past, she questioned his ability to ever completely forgive her. As strong as she thought her love for him was, she stood back & let him go this time without a fight, believing that he would find a greater happiness without her in his life. She believed that this is how he wanted her to feel & she believed that she deserved it as well. For that reason, she never told him about what happened in the months following. She did not want him to come back to her for any reason other than those in his heart.

When the increasing pain plagued her, she knew that the mental pain was that love that had been rejected. However, the physical pain increased with no explanation & the discovery of its source was a sword more jagged than the pain itself: a child. A pregnancy gone wrong at approximately 8 ½ weeks resulted in a miscarriage. Her heart mourned in more ways than she had ever known imaginable.

It all happened so fast. She had learned of the pregnancy & the loss of it all in one sentence. Discovering a pregnancy at this point, after he had already drifted out of her life was hard. Discovering that it was lost at the same made the sword double-edged.

Tears came in droves, but only in private. She wanted to tell him what had happened, but convinced herself that by doing so, it would only result in more pain. She knew that this could possibly bring him back into her life. She wanted to let him know about what had happened. She wanted to have his shoulder to cry on. She wanted & needed him in her life more then than ever before. At the same time, she didn't want him there with her because of sympathy…she didn't want him there unless he was there because his heart wanted him there.

The one person she confided in was lost to her as well only a week afterwards. He had been the one person in her life that always stood by her & with her, no matter what she went through. He didn't exactly agree with her decision to not share what had happened, but respected her as well. He did his part in trying to convince her not to just let go of her love. He was one of those people who always believed that love would conquer all in due time. He thought that she should have chased after that love regardless of everything else. As much as she knew he wanted her to reveal the baby to the father, she didn't.

It didn't seem fair to her. In just a very short time frame, she had lost more than she ever even realized she had. She lost the man that had, & would always have, a special place in her heart, she lost a baby that would have meant the world to her & she lost the best friend she had ever known. Keeping all of this to herself was excruciating.

Time passed and the wounds partially healed. Life went on & they both went their separate ways. She never stopped loving him & she never stopped thinking about him from time to time. At times, she questioned herself to the point of tears again about her decision to not tell him about the baby. But, she always believed in her heart that it was the right decision. She had left the choice to be with her completely to him & his heart – not his sympathy or grief.

He never chose to come back to her. She never chose to do something that might make him feel an obligation to do so.  In her heart, she still believes that something greater is waiting for her that will eventually make all of this pain fade into a distant memory.