Whatever there is to be said I'm not sure I know what it is anymore. At times I get so overwhelmed with the urge to sit down & write, yet at the same time I have no idea what there is to write. Like now...I want to write...I want to hear these keys click under my fingers, but I don't know what to say.
I have sat here for most of the day. I've tried to think of what it is that I am supposed to be saying. Yeah, I've got a lot on my mind, but none of that seems to be the "right" thing to put into words....nothing fits...nothing works. When it's "right" my fingers move like they've got a mind of their own...they type & the words just appear.
This "writing/typing" urge hit me around 11 this morning. I had a small "break" a little after noon when I had to go pick Cody up from school & just got back from picking Camie up from the bus...so that already equals quite a few hours here saying nothing.
I think I know what it is but I don't want to know it at the same time. I feel it coming...slipping up on me...crawling in through the cracks. It still confuses me. I don't understand how I can know that something is not "right" but let it bother me so much at the same time. I've avoided it & hid from it for a long time now...but just to end all of that, I was diagnosed with depression several years ago.
It's definitely not something I'm proud of. In fact I've avoided saying it & admitting it in almost every way imaginable. There's this thing in my head that keeps telling me that there's something wrong with me for being this way. I'm smart...I should be better than this...I should know better...I should be able to see this & know better than to "give in" to it. In my mind I see this as something that I should be better than. But no matter how much I try to ignore it, I can't seem to escape it.
I feel lost in a way. I have no drive to do anything. I just want to be "right" & not hurt anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment