Damned if I do...Damned if I don't...

I used to be able to sit down & write anything. The ideas & thoughts would just flow like crazy. I couldn’t type fast enough to get all of them out. Now I still have all the crazy ideas but when I sit down to write, my mind goes blank. This isn’t really anything new…I’ve been struggling with it for months, but every time I think I’ll be able to sit down & write, the “nothing” takes over all again.

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The farther I seem to drift away from who I was…the less I am able to be who I am. I want to be me…not this new person that I feel I’ve been forced into becoming. The more I drift away, the less I can get down into words. I don’t want to be so far away from myself that the words stop.

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I see me & what I want. But when I do it’s just the unrealistic versions that pop into my head from movies & songs. Real life versions come in tiny flashes. I’m still in here. The smiles are still in here. The fun is still in here. The “happy” is still in here. It’s just all covered up by the life that my fears allowed me to build around me.

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I want to break out of this shell of a life. I want to be able to be me without hurting anybody else. I know “why” I’m this person. I just don’t understand why knowing why doesn’t help me do anything about it. The decisions I make…the things I do…the things I say…I know that it’s not “me” but I can’t not be that way. (Yes…I know that’s not correct grammar.) It’s like watching a bad, really poorly written movie. You know what the characters “should” do & you can see in advance that what they do is going to be a disaster, but you can’t do anything about it. Basically, it’s co-dependence, which I have learned is not that rare in children of alcoholics. And…true to the real me…I seem to go overboard with everything & have a pretty extreme form.

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But…knowing all of that spirals me into the next problem: depression. I’ve never really sat down until now & looked at everything in any order, but now that I look at it all this way, it finally makes a little more sense. Not complete sense because this is all just now unfolding in my head as I’m typing, but…logically, it makes sense. Think about it this way: If you were living your life the way you thought everybody around you wanted you to be living your life & ignoring what you wanted wouldn’t you be a bit depressed as well? Maybe that’s why the drugs don’t seem to help much?

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And…that sorta explains the next dilemma: social anxiety. I’m not happy with myself. It makes sense that I don’t want to be around people. Leaving the house is hard. I make excuses, usually anything that happens to pop into my head at the time that sounds half-way believable, but the truth is that I just don’t want to go out because “pretending” is just too damn tiring & I hate it.

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I can go out & have fun. I can go out & enjoy myself. But when I do I get “in trouble” for it…WTF??? I get asked how I can go out & be fine sometimes but not others. Well, it’s just now clicking in my head that all the times I’ve gone out & had fun…all the times I’ve had to “explain myself”…those are the times when I “let go” of all the “pretend me” crap.

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Really one of those damned if I do, damned if I don’t situations.