Blah blah blah...
...that's what I hear most of the time when I think to myself. I don't know why I seem to be stuck in this rut. Things have finally turned for the better & I'm still lost in my own mind. I can't tell myself what I'm thinking much less anybody else.
Today I had high hopes. I was spending the day here as usual tinkering around with picking things up & keeping the house half way in order. This evening we would all go out for the Halloween thing. I won't lie, I hate it...going out "begging" people for candy, but it's for the kids so I convinced myself that it would be okay. It wasn't like I'd be at it alone...I'd have Clint with me & that would help settle my nerves a bit.
All day long I seemed to be trapped under the safety bar on some sort of emotional roller coaster. I catch bits & pieces of whatever is on TV throughout the day, but today it seemed like every time I turned around it was the sad part of some show & I just wanted to bust into tears & curl up in the corner of my closet & cry. They weren't sad, make you cry shows...they were funny shows...one was even Hocus Pocus. They were shows to make you laugh! It gets too quiet when the TV is off so I just rode that roller coaster all day thinking that things would be so much better once the kids & Clint got home. After all, we were going to have a fun family night out.
Kids came home chomping at the bit ready to go. Clint got home later than usual & by that time both of them were driving my completely batty. They were both already mad at me because we were getting out so late & both had decided off & on that they just didn't even want to go anymore. One, because we were getting a late start & Two, because they wanted to go with their friends instead of all of us together. Cody slammed the dogs tail in the door, had a back deck & door covered in blood. I'm guessing the tip of a dogs tail must be like a finger to a person because that thing bled like crazy! Luckily it didn't seem to bother her much because she just kept bouncing around wagging her tail slinging blood everywhere. So, I got that cleaned up before we left. Clint didn't feel good so he stayed home so it was me, on my own, out with the kids. Nerves went into overdrive.
We went to the churches Halloween parties & I did good avoiding having to really talk to anybody. Went to both of them & only had to talk to 2 people who I didn't manage to dodge. Attempted the trick or treating thing but that was a major bust. The few houses that did have porch lights on also had cars lined up down both sides of the street. I talked them into being okay with just going to the Dollar Store to get $10 candy each. Guess what...the Dollar Store already had the Halloween stuff put up & Christmas stuff out! So they spent their $10 on other junk.
They were in okay moods when we got home. I was frazzled to the core. I got so worked up at the church parties that my stomach was literally knotting up with stabbing pains, my hands were covered with red splotches & I was burning up hot. When we got home I looked in the mirror & my neck was covered in red splotches too.
I didn't used to be this way. It didn't used to bother me to go out & do things. I know I could get back on my Adderall & be better but I can't see spending about $300 a month just to be okay around people outside of my house. I just hate feeling like a monster. I miss being able to enjoy life.
Writing here is pretty much my only outlet because I know pretty much nobody will read it but at the same time in my mind, it's getting the thoughts "out there" in the open. But, now that I've made myself cry again I guess I'll quit.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Greed
Greed. Selfishness. Some people really just amaze me.
About a week ago one of my FaceBook "friends" made a post about how her boyfriend had bought her a new phone & how awesome he was for doing so. "Bravo" to her for being happy I thought. Well, a few days ago she makes a new post about how the relationship was no more & that she kept the phone. There was a joyous tone in her post. I thought that it was sort of mean. Today she made another post about how she had already been asked out again & added that maybe she could get a car out of this one. What the hell?
Okay, so the relationship with the phone guy didn't work out & she kept the phone. I don't think I could have accepted the phone in the 1st place if things were bad enough that just a few days later it all ended. If he did something horrendous that caused a sudden, unexpected end to the relationship then I might see where keeping the phone would be okay. But I still don't think "laughing" about it would be called for.
Kudos to her for already having another guy asking her out. Apparently the last "wonderful" man she had in her life didn't really mean anything to her, so why feel bad about the break-up? One of her 1st comments is that she wants to try to get a car out of "this one" just seems really greedy & selfish.
What is wrong with people thinking other people don't matter? Does she think it's "cool" for her to be talking about these guys like this? Do their feelings not matter? What if it was somebody else talking about her the way she's talking about these guys? I know it's a cliche that guys only want girls for sex but what if that's all they want from her & then they go around bragging about how they got what they wanted from her & left her like yesterday's garbage? What ever happened to DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU?
Maybe the phone guy relationship was bad. I've had a couple bad relationships myself. When they ended, yes I was hurt & angry but I didn't make fun of him. Every relationship, good or bad, deserves respect. There was a reason the relationship started in the 1st place. Nobody goes into something "knowing" or "expecting" it to be a nightmare. Even my worst relationships were at one time good, positive things. That is the part that I will always cherish & respect.
About a week ago one of my FaceBook "friends" made a post about how her boyfriend had bought her a new phone & how awesome he was for doing so. "Bravo" to her for being happy I thought. Well, a few days ago she makes a new post about how the relationship was no more & that she kept the phone. There was a joyous tone in her post. I thought that it was sort of mean. Today she made another post about how she had already been asked out again & added that maybe she could get a car out of this one. What the hell?
Okay, so the relationship with the phone guy didn't work out & she kept the phone. I don't think I could have accepted the phone in the 1st place if things were bad enough that just a few days later it all ended. If he did something horrendous that caused a sudden, unexpected end to the relationship then I might see where keeping the phone would be okay. But I still don't think "laughing" about it would be called for.
Kudos to her for already having another guy asking her out. Apparently the last "wonderful" man she had in her life didn't really mean anything to her, so why feel bad about the break-up? One of her 1st comments is that she wants to try to get a car out of "this one" just seems really greedy & selfish.
What is wrong with people thinking other people don't matter? Does she think it's "cool" for her to be talking about these guys like this? Do their feelings not matter? What if it was somebody else talking about her the way she's talking about these guys? I know it's a cliche that guys only want girls for sex but what if that's all they want from her & then they go around bragging about how they got what they wanted from her & left her like yesterday's garbage? What ever happened to DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU?
Maybe the phone guy relationship was bad. I've had a couple bad relationships myself. When they ended, yes I was hurt & angry but I didn't make fun of him. Every relationship, good or bad, deserves respect. There was a reason the relationship started in the 1st place. Nobody goes into something "knowing" or "expecting" it to be a nightmare. Even my worst relationships were at one time good, positive things. That is the part that I will always cherish & respect.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Vacation
I want to go on a vacation. Sometimes I want to just go away by myself for a while but I really want a "family" vacation. I want to load up with the kids & just drive somewhere. It could just be for the weekend...that'd be fine.
I can remember back when it was just me & Cody. He was a baby, not even 2 years old, but I'd load him up on Friday evening after I got off work & we'd just drive for a few hours. I never really knew where we were going. I never knew until we got there. I'd take off in a direction & just go. It was freedom I think. It was something different from every day normal life. It was a distraction. It was fun. It was the unknown. It was both planned & unplanned. It was adventure. I can't tell you where we went. We'd stay the night somewhere just because I liked the name of the town or because that's where I stopped to get gas or because that's where he happened to wake up or because it just might have seemed like a good place to stop & turn around. The next day we'd try to find a Sonic then a park or rest stop somewhere to stop & play for a while before driving on to another little place somewhere or heading back home. They weren't "fancy" vacations. They were just what I thought of as "family" time. I miss doing that.
It's hard for me to imagine myself doing anything like that now. I rarely leave the house. The thought of getting out & going somewhere like that "on my own" is enough to make me want to make sure all the curtains are closed, lock the doors & curl up in a corner somewhere. But to think about all of us going...that I could handle.
I can remember back when it was just me & Cody. He was a baby, not even 2 years old, but I'd load him up on Friday evening after I got off work & we'd just drive for a few hours. I never really knew where we were going. I never knew until we got there. I'd take off in a direction & just go. It was freedom I think. It was something different from every day normal life. It was a distraction. It was fun. It was the unknown. It was both planned & unplanned. It was adventure. I can't tell you where we went. We'd stay the night somewhere just because I liked the name of the town or because that's where I stopped to get gas or because that's where he happened to wake up or because it just might have seemed like a good place to stop & turn around. The next day we'd try to find a Sonic then a park or rest stop somewhere to stop & play for a while before driving on to another little place somewhere or heading back home. They weren't "fancy" vacations. They were just what I thought of as "family" time. I miss doing that.
It's hard for me to imagine myself doing anything like that now. I rarely leave the house. The thought of getting out & going somewhere like that "on my own" is enough to make me want to make sure all the curtains are closed, lock the doors & curl up in a corner somewhere. But to think about all of us going...that I could handle.
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