Blah blah blah...

Blah blah blah...

...that's what I hear most of the time when I think to myself.  I don't know why I seem to be stuck in this rut. Things have finally turned for the better & I'm still lost in my own mind.  I can't tell myself what I'm thinking much less anybody else.

Today I had high hopes.  I was spending the day here as usual tinkering around with picking things up & keeping the house half way in order.  This evening we would all go out for the Halloween thing.  I won't lie, I hate it...going out "begging" people for candy, but it's for the kids so I convinced myself that it would be okay.  It wasn't like I'd be at it alone...I'd have Clint with me & that would help settle my nerves a bit.

All day long I seemed to be trapped under the safety bar on some sort of emotional roller coaster.  I catch bits & pieces of whatever is on TV throughout the day, but today it seemed like every time I turned around it was the sad part of some show & I just wanted to bust into tears & curl up in the corner of my closet & cry. They weren't sad, make you cry shows...they were funny shows...one was even Hocus Pocus.  They were shows to make you laugh!  It gets too quiet when the TV is off so I just rode that roller coaster all day thinking that things would be so much better once the kids & Clint got home.  After all, we were going to have a fun family night out.

Kids came home chomping at the bit ready to go.  Clint got home later than usual & by that time both of them were driving my completely batty.  They were both already mad at me because we were getting out so late & both had decided off & on that they just didn't even want to go anymore.  One, because we were getting a late start & Two, because they wanted to go with their friends instead of all of us together.  Cody slammed the dogs tail in the door, had a back deck & door covered in blood.  I'm guessing the tip of a dogs tail must be like a finger to a person because that thing bled like crazy!  Luckily it didn't seem to bother her much because she just kept bouncing around wagging her tail slinging blood everywhere.  So, I got that cleaned up before we left.  Clint didn't feel good so he stayed home so it was me, on my own, out with the kids.  Nerves went into overdrive.

We went to the churches Halloween parties & I did good avoiding having to really talk to anybody.  Went to both of them & only had to talk to 2 people who I didn't manage to dodge.  Attempted the trick or treating thing but that was a major bust.  The few houses that did have porch lights on also had cars lined up down both sides of the street.  I talked them into being okay with just going to the Dollar Store to get $10 candy each.  Guess what...the Dollar Store already had the Halloween stuff put up & Christmas stuff out!  So they spent their $10 on other junk.

They were in okay moods when we got home.  I was frazzled to the core.  I got so worked up at the church parties that my stomach was literally knotting up with stabbing pains, my hands were covered with red splotches & I was burning up hot.  When we got home I looked in the mirror & my neck was covered in red splotches too.

I didn't used to be this way.  It didn't used to bother me to go out & do things.  I know I could get back on my Adderall & be better but I can't see spending about $300 a month just to be okay around people outside of my house.  I just hate feeling like a monster.  I miss being able to enjoy life.

Writing here is pretty much my only outlet because I know pretty much nobody will read it but at the same time in my mind, it's getting the thoughts "out there" in the open.  But, now that I've made myself cry again I guess I'll quit.