Saturday, November 1, 2014

Addicted

I am prone to addictions.  I know this.  If I like something, I like it.  I want all of it I can get.  I drink, I smoke.  I have enough sense not to try anything illegal because I know if I like it I'd be an addict. 

I like feeling wanted.  I like feeling needed.  I like feeling loved.  I like feeling connected even though I try to keep myself disconnected.  I'm sure I'm strangely addicted to all those feelings as well.  But all those feelings get me nowhere. 

Nobody knows how much hurt & pain I carry with me every single day.  I don't let many people know because nobody can fix me.  I don't let many people know because I don't want to whine about it.  I don't let many people know because I'm supposed to be strong & show no pain or weakness. 

I'm broken to pieces inside.  I hate this feeling.  Definitely not addicted to being this way, but I don't know if I'll ever shake it.  Guess I'll be forever addicted to wanting better or wanting more. 

Isn't wanting better or wanting more sorta selfish or wrong.  Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have?  Even if it's not what I want?  I don't have any answers.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The pursuit of happiness...

I, myself, will most likely never be happy.  However, I can do everything in my power to try to ensure that my children are.  That's my purpose & the reason I will go on.

Pretty sure I just need to learn how emotionally detach from everything else to break this cycle of hurt.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

20 Secrets

Here are twenty powerful secrets that will help you form meaningful relationships with people:

1.  When two people meet, the prize always goes to the one with the most self-insight. He will be calmer, more confident, more at ease with the other.

2.  Never permit the behavior of other people to tell you how you feel.

3.  Pay little attention to what people say or do. Instead, try to see their innermost motive for speaking and acting.

4.  Any friendship requiring the submission of your original nature and dignity to another person is all wrong.

5.  Mystically speaking, there is no difference between you and another person. This is why we cannot hurt another without hurting ourselves, nor help another without helping ourselves.

6.  When we are free of all unnecessary desires toward other people, we can never be deceived or hurt.

7.  You take a giant step toward psychological maturity when you refuse to angrily defend yourself against unjust slander. For one thing, resistance disturbs your own peace of mind.

8.  You understand others to the exact degree that you really understand yourself. Work for more self-knowledge.

9.  Do not be afraid to fully experience everything that happens to you in your human relations, especially the pains and disappointments. Do this and everything becomes clear at last.

10.  The individual who really knows what it means to love has no anxiety when his love is unseen or rejected.

11.  If you painfully lose a valuable friend, do not rush out at once for a replacement. Such action prevents you from examining your heartache and breaking free of it.

12.  Do not be afraid to be a nobody in a social world. This is a deeper and richer truth than appears on the surface.

13.  Every unpleasant experience with another person is an opportunity to see people as they are, not as we mistakenly idealize them. The more unpleasant the other person is, the more he can teach you.

14.  You can be so wonderfully free from a sense of injury and injustice that you are surprised when you hear others complain of them.

15.  We cannot recognize a virtue in another person that we do not possess in ourselves. It takes a truly loving and patient person to recognize those virtues in another.

16.  Do not mistake desire for love. Desire leaves home in a frantic search for one gratification after another. Love is at home with itself.

17.  There are parts of you that want the loving life and parts that do not. Place yourself on the side of the positive forces: do all you can to aid and encourage them.

18.  You must stop living timidly from fixed fears of what others will think of you and of what you will think of yourself.

19.  Do not contrive to be a loving person: work to be a real person. Being real is being loving.

20.  The greatest love you could ever offer to another is to so transform your inner life that others are attracted to your genuine example of goodness.

I stole this from http://themindunleashed.org/2014/10/20-powerful-secrets-meaningful-relationships.html

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Balls & Guts

Some days you will cry...just a part of life.  But, there should be more days without tears than days with tears. 

A bad day doesn't mean it's a bad life.  But you've gotta stand up & stand your ground for the things that you need & want in your life.  As well as against the things that bring you down.  This takes balls or guts...however you wanna look at it.

I'm beginning to suspect that I have neither.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Is it okay?

Most of the time I'm not okay.  Most of the time I'll tell everybody I am okay.  Is it okay to feel like a walking disaster?

I like safe over sorry.  But sometimes I throw safe out the window & can't seem but to run right towards sorry.  Is it okay to be so much of a dreamer?

I don't like mistakes.  I try so very hard to do what is right, but sometimes there's just no right answer.  Is it okay to feel like a failure?

I know what I want.  I want perfect.  Is it okay to be an idealist in an evil world?

One of these days maybe I will be okay.  Until then I'll keep saying I'm okay.  Is that okay?

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Pretending

Sometimes I pretend I'm fine when I'm not.  Sometimes it's all just an illusion.  Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Changes...

Sometimes (most of the time for me) change is not an easy thing...but without change there is no progress.

This year has been constant change for me...lost weight, working again, new house, relationships...  It hasn't been easy, there were a lot of days I wanted to stop & turn around, but I am proud of myself for not giving in or giving up.  

I don't like that people are hurting as a result of my progress, but it feels good to finally take care of myself instead of only trying to make everybody else happy.  It feels good to be happy.  It feels good to smile.  

Friday, July 18, 2014

Goo Goo Dolls- Iris

GOO GOO DOLLS
"Iris"

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

Broken soul...

I try (usually successfully) to put on a happy & strong face but inside I'm still the same broken soul that I've been for years.  I've tried to sit down & write but I just can't.   I don't know what I'm doing, how to do it, or even how to explain it. 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I don't even know...

...I don't have a freakin clue what this is.  Everything was fine one minute & the next I was back in some sort of hell.  I just want to run away & disappear.  Leave all the heartache behind me.  I look around me & all I see is the pain I cause.

Made a call.  Have job feelers out about 150 miles away.  Can I really do that?  Probably not.  But do I want to?  Hell yes!

I know what I want.  It's never been mine.  I don't see how it could ever be mine.  It gets dangled in front of me time after time.  I think it's right there.  I feel like a damn rabbit chasing a carrot on a string.  It's always gonna be just a few steps out of my grasp.

I don't like not getting what I want.  Yeah, that's a bratty thing to admit...actually bratty isn't even close to the right word.  It's down right horrible for me to say that.  Here I'll admit it...I'm a horrible person.

I know I have people that care.  But just because they care doesn't mean they understand.  There's no way they can understand because I guard my innermost feelings with explosives.  If anybody knew, they wouldn't think I'm the great person I try to be.

I have so many words log jammed up in my mind.  I know there are words to say what I want to say but I can't get them to my fingertips.

Therefore...if anybody cares enough to save me, feel free to do so.  I just hope that they know how dangerous I really am.  I've destroyed everybody that's ever got close to me.  Are there any explosives experts out there that are up for a good challenge?

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Some good stuff...

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years

3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.

6. If a part of your body "falls asleep",
you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing -food, attractive people and danger

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.

12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia

16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!

17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!!

18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !!

19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!

20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.

23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.

25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything!

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'

37. What other people think of you is none of your business.

38. Time heals everything.

39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you'll accomplish, today !

43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

Alexithymia

Emotional Shut-Down

I have come to realize that people are going to be who they are and that might not be best for my fragile heart.  So, I love them for who they are but I don’t give them the opportunity to play around with my feelings & emotions.  I'm tired of always being the one that gets hurt the most & then has to hide that hurt. Sometimes matters of the heart can take years to recover.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Deserving

No matter how much I tell myself it's wrong & no matter the fact that it is actually wrong, I think I'll always secretly feel that I deserve it (even if just a little bit) when I feel hurt.  Sometimes, quite often, I hear things that make my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest.  I put on a strong face.  I don't let it show but inside I shatter every time.  I tell myself that I brought it on myself.  I tell myself that I deserve it because of the pain I, myself, caused in the past.

Who I Am (answers)

1.  Country - but a little of both
2.  Winter
3.  Fishing - anything but shopping
4.  Football
5.  Country
6.  Night Owl - but I enjoy my sleeping time
7.  L-K
8.  Angela Michelle Dalrymple - don't call me that!
9.  Leather
10. Taco Bell
11. Whiskey - never had wine
12. Longhorns & Gators
13. Royal Purple - also camo, blue, green, orange & white
14. Camera Shy
15. Horseback 

Nightdreams

I've been sitting here in bed for about an hour with a blank stare into the early morning darkness of my room, catching the occasional tear as it rolls down my face.  The dream wasn't as bad as I know they can be, but it wasn't good like my daydreams. 

I don't like waking up alone when I'm like this.  I wish there was somebody to wake up with me that would assure me that things are gonna be okay...somebody that would just hold on to me & make me believe that I'm loved. 

When I daydream I have that.  I'm gonna catch a glimpse of that meteor shower tonight & I'll wish upon every one of those suckers I see. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Undrafting my draft...

I have a draft post that I add to when I have an idea to write about but not really time to sit down, think through it & write. 

Here are the ideas I've got in there as of now.  Maybe I'll take some time to tackle them soon...

- Last words are important.

- Temper.

- The relationships that will endure when time passes.

- Shame.

- Dingy little blonde girl vs real me.

- I don't like a fight I can't win.

- I shouldn't hafta fight for my spot if it's my spot. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Silhouette

When I look into the mirror I almost like the silhouette I see...the only thing missing is you standing there with me. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Lies

A broken promise, an unkept word...lies come in many shapes & forms.  If you're not gonna follow through, don't even bother saying the words. 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Fall in Love

Fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat.  Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE they would love to wake up to each day.

~ Author Unknown

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

IDEAS

Last words are important.
Temper.
The relationships that will endure when time passes.
Shame.
Dingy little blonde girl vs real me.
I don't like a fight I can't win.
I shouldn't hafta fight for my spot if it's my spot. 

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Trust is big.

Trust.  That's a gigantic word for me.  I find it incredibly hard to trust people.  So many people that I trusted have hurt me.  Some people wonder why I keep to myself so much...well that's why. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Attention

What is alone?  Alone is not necessarily the absence of company.  Alone is a feeling.  It's a feeling that you're trapped within your own mind...that there's nobody that cares about what you really feel or think.  Alone sucks!

Some people seem to think that when people feel alone & depressed that they're just wanting attention.  Well, DUH!  Yes they do want attention.  That's the whole point.  That's why they feel the way they do.  They NEED attention.

Why does a person have to reach an extreme before others realize how much pain they were really experiencing?  Why is it that after a person reaches an extreme others say, "I wish I could have done something."?  Do something now!

You never know what just a small act of compassion or kindness might do for somebody.  If something as simple as a smile might brighten somebody's day, imagine what a few friendly words can do.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Love this!

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/200911/10-habits-happy-couples

10 Habits of Happy Couples
By Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. on November 14, 2009 - 6:37pm

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.

2. Cultivate common interests
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit…and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

If there was one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment to yourself front and foremost in your mind, "Just Listen" and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Believe In Yourself

Believe in yourself to the depth of your being,
nourish the talents your spirit is freeing.

Know in your heart when the going gets slow,
That your faith in yourself will continue to grow.

Don't forfeit ambition when others may doubt,
It's your life to live, you must live it throughout.

Learn from your errors, don't dwell in the past,
Never withdraw from a world that is vast.

Believe in yourself, find the best that is you,
Let your spirit prevail, "Steer a course that is true."

~ unknown