Projects: Bookshelf (2009-03-10)

My 1st building project:
a bookshelf built back in March.

I forgot to take a picture of just the bookshelf before adding on to & modifying it into something else, so I've just cropped the rest of the new project out so only the bookself is shown here.

It took me a lot longer than it should have to get this built but it was a learning experience...like I said, it was my 1st ever building project.

All in all, I think it turned out just fine.

If anybody wants something like this built, let me know. It's built with real wood, not the cheap, brittle, particle-board stuff that you get when you buy a pre-fab piece somewhere like Wal-Mart. If I was to build this for somebody, it would most likely cost somewhere between $$200-$250, depending on the current price of lumber.

Still Ramblin'

Some days are good. The past few days have been good. I had something to do...I had a project...I had something to keep my mind busy...I had something that I "had" to finish. Most of the time I start something & never wind up finishing it. This little project wouldn't really let me get away with that because as long as it wasn't done, my living room would be a construction zone. It's not completely finished, that would be too easy, but it's finished enough so that everything looks okay.



I still have a couple shelves that I need to cut & I need to add a section of trim. I did goof a little bit by not removing the back of the original shelf because now I have to figure out how to move the shelves that are screwed on from the back side...

Some how I always seem to manage finishing stuff up without actually finishing anything. Looks like I've done it again. Ta-da.



I've finally cleared some of my mind. After carrying a secret around for about 8 years, the "knowing" that I've finally told him about what really happened back then has finally set part of me free. I think that's what inspired the new project. The initial relief that I felt in my mind gave me a peace that I hadn't known in years. For the first time in a very long time I was able to sit back & think about "nothing" without actually anything of anything. As far as all that goes, I feel good.



But most days are still like today. I haven't done anything...I don't want to do anything. I've sat here on the couch & watched about 20 DVR'd NCIS episodes. There are things I "need" to get up & do - I just don't want to. I've thought of tons of things that need done...I've also decided I'd just do them tomorrow...knowing good & well that most likely won't happen because the kids will be out of school for the weekend & holiday on Monday. That should have helped me talk myself into doing things today but instead I'm just a little flustered figuring it won't get done until next week now.

I'm sitting here watching the clock. In about an hour I've got to get up & go to town to pick the kids up from school. I dread it. I don't want to go. I don't want to go anywhere. Just getting up, getting dressed & doing anything gets me flustered & aggitated. I put off doing anything involving going anywhere as long as I can - which is most likely why I'm usually late. Since I'm usually late that adds to my flusteration level. But I know that the reason I'm usually late is because I'm flustered in the first place & because I put off going until I'm already pressed for time. The "knowing" why I'm late & the "knowing" why I'm more flustered than I should be doesn't do anything though...I still do it.

A couple weeks ago I even went through hypnosis to try to ease my social anxiety. She told me that I did wonderful through the session but I haven't noticed any change in my dread of going anywhere.

Most of the time the anxiety kicks in before I go anywhere & eases up once I've actually there. In big crowds or when there are lots of "strange" people around me I'm usually wound pretty tight the whole time but when I'm just going to "normal" every day places I'm usually okay once I actually get there. I don't know if maybe I should concentrate more on the "building up" part of going places?

Since I'm rambling here, I've got an entertainment center that I need to get rid of now. It was about $350 new - guess I could sell it for about $200 if anybody wants it. It's heavy...has 3 thick black glass shelves, dark colored wood frame & an arm that comes up from the back to hold a flat-screen TV. The arm is hollow so that cables & wires can be hidden from view. It's a nice piece.

I'd stash it somewhere but it's a little too big for me to just stick it in a closet & a little too heavy for me to just load it up & take it to the storage building...not just an easy pick up thing. Most likely will wind up taking it to storage but then I've got to sorta make more of an effort to do something than I usually feel like doing. I've got tons of stuff I don't need. Should have a garage sale, but then I'm openly inviting people to come see me & talk to me. Hard to have a garage sale when you avoid people like I do.

Ramblin' 7-22

I always strive to make the best out of everything for myself & my children & it is very hard to do when there seems to be one blow after another.

Security is a big thing for me. I want to feel stable & secure. Most of the time I just feel like I’m floating around on a bubble that could pop at any moment leaving me without a lifeline.

I have everything & nothing I ever wanted out of life. I have a great family with amazing kids. Other than that, what do I have?

Chris used to tell me how strong I was. Steven still tells me that as well. I’m not strong…I’m just good at hiding how I really feel inside. I don’t want people to know what I feel or what I think. I don’t want people to know how much I hurt inside. I don’t want people to know what bothers me. I don’t want people to know that I want to cry all the time. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy because I can’t seem to get my life straight.

I’m fairly smart. I know what I’m “supposed” to do & I know “how” I’m supposed to be. I know that some of the things I feel are unreasonable. I know that some of the things I do don’t make a lot of sense. I know that sometimes even the way I feel inside isn’t “normal” & doesn’t really apply to the current situations. I “know” that I have problems…but I don’t want other people to know that because I’m too smart to be screwed up in the head.

I have a hard time admitting anything about “me” to anybody. I have a hard time letting people know “me” & try to scrape by with giving as little information as possible. The less people know about me, the more normal I figure they will think I am.

I just want to be “normal” – whatever that is. The problem with that is not knowing how to be or even what exactly “normal” is. I don’t want to be a train wreck, but that’s what I feel like most of the time. I want to be able to get up in the morning & function like everybody else does. Sitting here thinking about how I am makes me want to cry. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t like being a disaster. I just don’t know how to “fix” it.