I wonder...

A lot of times I wonder who he would have been...& then I wonder a little farther & wonder if you ever wonder about it too. I'm pretty sure I'll always wonder because when it comes to him & you...even though it hurts, I still smile.

Pay attention

Sometimes all you want is for somebody to care enough to pay attention.

Being Human

We, as a species, are social creatures.  The social interaction with other humans is a crucial part of our development.  Even after the developmental years, we still need that interaction.

For a person with social anxiety, that needed social interaction is difficult.  We pull away from people due to an illogical fear.  It is a phobia.  We know our fear is unwarranted but that does not make it disappear.

The longer we avoid that social interaction, the harder it is to reach out for it.  The longer we are alone, the harder it is to remember how to not be alone. 

We want to be as human as everybody else, but we don't know how.

What's next?

I'm not a big planning person.  I usually let whatever happens happen.  When I do actually make plans, deviation from that plan isn't an option for me.  When I hafta change that plan I'm lost...I don't really know what to do. 

I don't know how to talk to people in "out loud" words when there's emotion involved...especially this.  I can't seem to say any words without getting upset.  My usual defense is making light of the situation or sarcastic jokes but I can't do that with this.  I just have no idea what to say...so I just try to avoid the subject.

Being upset about my biological clock pretty much busted has made all my other emotions on edge as well.  I'm having a hard time with everything because I can't seem to focus...I can't ignore the things I usually ignore.

I know time will make things easier...I just wish it would hurry up.

I want to know how to change the plan...what's next...

I don't even know

I keep a whole lot of what I feel to myself.  It's hard for me to understand why I feel the way I do sometimes.  I guess I'm just scared that nobody will understand how I do.  I worry that the way I feel will be seen as wrong or stupid.  I just think it's easier to keep it all to myself than to have somebody look at me & think that I'm crazy. 

I want to be understood but I just don't know how.

Lost & Empty

Yesterday I went & had a HSG to find out if my tubes were open.  The Dr told me that my left side was not working but she thought the right side was working.  But she would hafta wait until she retrieved the high quality images to be sure.  Knowing my left side had went through some major trauma in the past I wasn't surprised at that news.  But I was happy & relieved to hear good news about the right.

Before I even made it home I got the call with the results from the high quality images.  The right side doesn't appear to be open either.  Not the news I wanted to hear.

I pulled over to the side of the road & just sat there for a while.  I really didn't know what to think.  I still don't.

It's a very empty feeling.  A feeling that I don't know how to explain.  I think that I'm most likely more upset than is reasonable but I can't help but feel the way I do.

I make a comparison to a lost child but I don't know how to tell the difference.  The feeling is so similar. 

I'm sure there are people thinking I should just "get over it" but those people don't know what I feel inside. 

I know I'll be okay but it'll be in my own time...not anybody else's.

Last time I shut out the world & kept everything to myself.  I didn't want anybody else to know anything about what was going on.  I didn't have anybody to tell me they cared & that it would be okay.  I knew this but it was very hard to go through that by myself.

This time I don't want to hurt by myself.  Yes the situations are completely different.  But the hollow, empty, hurt feeling is not different.  I'm not saying that I want somebody to hurt like I do.  I just want somebody to try to understand that I'm having a hard time....somebody to just take my hands, hold me close, tell me I'm not crazy, that I matter...tell me that I'll be okay.

100/100

A relationship is not 50/50. It's 100/100.  Some days you may hafta give more & some days you won't be able to give your all...but that's when your partner steps in. Even if you wind up with a 199/1 day, if you want it to work you buckle down that day & pull the extra weight. You don't make it because of the easy days...you make it because of the tough days. That's when you realize that you're really there for each other.

Relationship advice

I found this & had to put it here so I wouldn't lose it.  But I would like to add that this could just as well have been written to women...

Matthew Lucas
Jul 30 at 9:23pm

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s
something about my divorce being finalized this week
that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have
done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and
a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish
I would have had...

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER
take that woman for granted. When you asked her to
marry you, you promised to be that man that would
OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the
most important and sacred treasure you will ever be
entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and
NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you
committed to being the protector of her heart, you must
guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself
fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place
in your heart where no one must enter except for your
wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and
invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else
enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You
will constantly change. You’re not the same people you
were when you got married, and in five years you will
not be the same person you are today. Change will
come, and in that you have to re-choose each other
everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU,
and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give
that heart to someone else or seal you out completely,
and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight
to win her love just as you did when you were courting
her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what
you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus
on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be
bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help
but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you
can no longer see anything but love, and you know
without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth
to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your
job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her
ever changing. And if she changes, love what she
becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own
emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy,
and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for
finding your own happiness, and through that your joy
will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or
angry at her, it is only because it is triggering
something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions,
and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings
take time to get present and to look within and
understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be
healed. You were attracted to this woman because she
was the person best suited to trigger all of your
childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you
could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no
longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why
you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or
upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD
HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you
hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that
pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit
is about change and emotion and like a storm her
emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong
and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to
you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand
present and strong and let her know you aren’t going
anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind
the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously.
Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes
everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love
languages and the specific ways that she feels
important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to
create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and
memorize those things and make it a priority everyday
to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your
focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it
takes to clear your head so that when you are with her
you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your
most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her
away in the power of your masculine presence, to
consume her and devour her with your strength, and to
penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her
melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can
trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being
one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try
not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the
ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect,
just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving
and giving, and sometimes she will need to be
reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes
she will need to fly from your branches to go and find
what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she
will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting
a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to
take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids.
She needs that space to renew and get re-centered,
and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the
kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all
together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings,
and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust
you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially
those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage
to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when
you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of
that courage is allowing her to love you completely,
your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK…
If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her,
and show up perfect all the time, you will never
experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant
pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always
fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when
you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop
working on your relationship. Find common goals,
dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game,
find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never
helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to
leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future
rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let
your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past
mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy
anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.
FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and
always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only
advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through
which all your choices is governed, there is nothing
that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love
will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s
about work. And a commitment to grow together and a
willingness to continually invest in creating something
that can endure eternity. Through that work, the
happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs.
Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from
and love each experience will bring the strength and
perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are
lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in
carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and
in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will
build it with a foundation that will endure any storm
and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain,
share it those those young husbands whose hearts are
still full of hope, and with those couples you may know
who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men
may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons
perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn
to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with
him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you
want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART
in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and
commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an
EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no
greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag
about.

I don't understand...

If you tell me how bad a person is...that they're a thief & a shitty person, I'm gonna have a hard time understanding why you are always talking to, seeing, & even why you're friends with them. 

I'm being bratty!

Not sure if this will be easy to follow or not...or even make sense...the thoughts are all jumbled up so I'm just gonna open the gates for a few minutes.

I think I am a very easy going, understanding, considerate, nice person.  But I don't want to be.  I want to be controlling.  I want things my way.  At the same time I don't think that's too much to want or expect...because what I want is reasonable & is only the way things should be.

When I care about anybody, I want them to be happy & feel it's my job as somebody that cares to act in a way or do things that will make them happy.  I go out of my way to make people happy & to not do things I know would upset them.  I just want people to treat me the same way. 

I feel like I'm always giving but never getting.  That sounds so selfish & rude.  It's not like I'm asking for royal treatment or lavish gifts every time I turn around...but it would be nice to know I'm appreciated.  I don't care if it's just words...that's better than feeling forgotten or invisible.

For as long as I can remember I've been a giver.  Anything & everything just to make the people I care about smile, make them happy, ensure that they know how much I appreciate them.  I'd like to be on the receiving end for a while.

Maybe I am being selfish or bratty wanting some attention & recognition but I don't really care anymore.  Everybody deserves to feel like they're special...I just want to be everybody every now & then.

Force to be reckoned with?

I may have a hard time being a bitch but do not underestimate me.  When hurt turns into pain or when I actually reach the point of so upset that I'm shaking & my ears are burning kind of mad, I just might surprise you & be a force to be reckoned with.
I usually talk myself down, but in rare cases...

What I Want (revision)

I posted this list a few years ago.  Decided some revisions were needed...

I Want:

...the guy that will wake up next to me every morning & fall asleep next to me every night. 

...the guy that will hold me when I'm crying & wipe away my tears.  That will go out of his way to make sure I don't have tears in the first place.

...the guy who still thinks I'm beautiful with no makeup on, wearing sweats & a t-shirt.  That takes time to reassure me that I'm exactly what he wants.

...the guy who won't pressure me to do things I don't want to do.  That does things I want to do just to make me smile.

...the guy that will kiss me on the forehead just because.  That makes sure to kiss me before he leaves & when he gets home.

...the guy that knows the last thing said is important & never leaves without telling me he loves me.

...the guy that doesn't kiss & tell.

...the guy who actually listens when I talk & remembers what I say.

...the guy who's excited all day long because he's looking forward to seeing me later.  That wants to come home because he knows I'm here waiting on him.

...the guy who is content to just hold me & snuggle with me even if that's all that happens.  That knows most of the time more will happen...lol.

...the guy who can't help but smile when I walk into the room.  That walks into a room just because I'm there.

...the guy who's perfectly content with staying home cuddling.  That wants to be with me rather than anywhere else.

...the guy who likes to take me out & show me off.  Holds my hand in public, puts his hands around my waist & pulls me close.

...the guy who won't lie to me about where he's going, where he's been or who he's been with.  That always lets me know what's going on, where he is, & when he's coming home.

...the guy who gets butterflies when he hears my name.  That lights up like a Christmas tree so that everybody knows he's mine.

...the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves me.  That makes sure I know he loves me.

...the guy that doesn't care about other girls because he has me.  That is happy he has me.

...the guy who doesn't care about my imperfections & loves me more for them.

...the guy who will hold me & watch the sunset with me.  That wants to do things with me.

...the guy that really wants to make me the happiest girl in the world.  That goes out of his way to make sure of it.

Lotsa thoughts...

Lotsa thoughts running through my head.

Hypocrites...

Why?  Why force the words of peace & love & forgiveness out of your mouth if your actions show you to be mean & hurtful? 

I understand that you want to be respected, but in order to get respect, you hafta give respect.  That is also true of pretty much everything else.  If you want somebody to be nice to you, it just makes sense for you to be nice to them as well. 

...do unto others...

Love

Love is the most amazing thing you can experience in your life.  It's not a competition or a game, but is so much more than what we make it out to be.

Love is a partnership, that no matter what obstacles may come, the two of you together will defeat anything that tries to ruin your relationship. Love is knowing that there are plenty fish in the sea, but knowing the only fish you want to be with is the one you have. It's confiding in one another and knowing each others deepest, darkest secrets and knowing no matter how mad you may be at each other, you never break that confidence...because trusting each other is way more important than being mad at each other for even a minute. It's communication and commitment that keeps your thoughts sane and what keeps you together. It's not just being significant others, it's about being best friends and not judging each other or leaving for making a couple of mistakes.

Love is knowing that nothing is this world can make or break you but yourselves. It's growing up and old together and not feeling like you are missing anything because what you have together is more than you ever imagined possible.

Not perfect...

I'm not perfect & I know this.  I've made my share of mistakes & I've paid for them dearly.  The mistakes I've made have taught me lessons that have made me think in very specific ways.  Unless you can step inside my head & understand why I am the way I am, you have no right to judge me, my mistakes, or how I am.

I have opinions.  I'm pretty sure that my opinions differ from yours.  I don't tell you that you are "wrong" for thinking what you think or doing what you do.  If you are happy with your life, I'll be happy for you.  I'll even support you doing whatever you happen to think is right for you & your life.  That's what friends do.

Nobody knows you better than you.  You know better than anybody else what is right for you & your life.  Nobody knows me better than me.  I know better than anybody else what is right for me & my life.

I have learned to be very careful about who I trust.  I very rarely open up to people.  When I do, it is even more rare that I let anybody completely in...I have learned that even when I trust somebody it's best to not let any one person know everything.  Seems this has been proven true to me again.

I have been quick to judge before.  It's sometimes hard not to.  I apologize when I should.  It's one thing to make an incorrect initial assumption.  It's very different when a person you consider a friend, a person you have confided in, a person you trusted...bashes you.

Guilty Dog

Sometimes the guilty dog barks first & loudest...other times it hides in the shadows waiting to sneak back in unnoticed once the pack settles back down.  Doesn't matter which kind of dog you are,  you're still a bitch.