Too much drama

I want to sit down here & just write but I don't even know what to say. I've sat here for more than several minutes just watching my screen do nothing.  I'm so tired, haven't slept more than a few hours a night all week long & up until the last few hours I've been wired.  Now I seem to be on the crashing end of things though.

This week has been hard.  I'm starting to think this is why I've never really had "girl" friends.  I don't know how to handle this amount of drama in such a short time.  Of course I've always leaned more towards blow it all off & move on with life.  I cover everything with sarcasm & smart-ass comments to prevent myself from outwardly being 'down' or upset.  I very rarely let other people know if I'm upset or hurting because I don't want to "bring them down" with me.  I want to surround myself with happy people in order to "bring myself up" so I can try to hide the hurt long enough so it can go away.

I don't like being around unhappy people...it makes me nervous.  I have never been an overly sympathetic person.  It's not that I don't care, I just don't like dwelling on negatives.  I will always listen to my friends if something is bothering them or if they need to talk, but letting it consume your life to the point of where this has gone is a little much.  I want to do something with the bad & then move on to something else.  

I don't want to be around people that can't handle their own emotions to the point where they think they no longer want to live.  Nothing is worth going that nuts about.  All that does is make things worse & is about the most selfish thing I can think of.  What about your family & friends...what about your kids???

This mess has hurt too many people.  People that shouldn't be hurt because of this are hurting.  They're completely innocent of causing this, but they're being torn apart inside because of it.  That really gets to me because she didn't do anything to deserve what she's been going through.

I wish I knew what to say & I wish I knew what to tell everybody.  I wish I knew what the magic words were that would fix everything for everybody.  I am tired of feeling like I'm in the middle of everybody though.  I can't tell people the things they want to hear because it would be a bunch of bullshit & I can't tell them the things they don't want to hear because I don't want to deliver a crashing blow either.  I'm tired of trying to tread water enough to just ease people through this.  I can't do it anymore & I won't.

I just want everybody to be happy...just don't know how or what to do to get things there.  

I thought I was okay

A few of you may know something about my "I don't like people" issue.  Occasionally I get into little ruts where I don't like being around any people at all, but it is generally just people I don't know.  Here in the past year, I've battled with this a lot.

Today has been a rough one.  Why I wake up some days & can't seem to make my mind ignore things I don't know, but today has been one of those days.  

I talked to a friend of mine for a while this morning & instead of making me feel better like he usually does, he just made me feel worse.  After I hung up I just sat out there on the swing for a while wondering if too much time has passed where he really doesn't know "me" anymore because he keeps telling me that I'm going to get through this & that the things on my mind are all going to just fall into place.  He told me to just hang in there like I was shown.  

I don't know if I can do that though.  I don't think I'm as big of a person as the "show-er" was.  Everytime I see "that" I want to cry & it rips my insides up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living somebody else's life.  I feel like I'm in this body but that my heart & soul are somewhere else.  I just don't know how to get them all together.  I just don't feel like I am the "real" me.

I took the kiddos to the Mardi Gras Parade.  I had Cody, Camie & Hannah.  Since the parade started at 2, we left at 1 & I was hoping that Glenn or Tammy would still be at Glenn's house so I could go with them.  I had no idea where to go...where to park...nothing...never even been to the thing before.  Nobody was at Glenn's & I started flipping out then.  I tried calling but couldn't get either of them on the phone.  Since my texts are effed up again, that didn't give me a very good option either.  Made it all the way to town & still hadn't gotten hold of either of them.  Found a place to park & still nothing...so we sat there in the truck as I kept trying to get somebody on the phone.  By the time I got Glenn on the phone I was in tears.

I managed my way through the crowd trying to find Tammy & not actually "look" at anybody at the same time.  By some small miracle I actually found her in the crowd.  She asked & I told her I was stressed out - that the crowd & me didn't exactly mix very well.  When she told me I looked like I was about to cry it took everything I had not to.  As soon as the parade was over I loaded up & got out of there.  The kids, especially Cody, wanted to stay.  How do you explain to a 10-year-old that you're crazy?  

I thought I would be okay now.  I thought I could handle being in a crowd of people I didn't know by myself now.  I was wrong.  Why can't I do it?  Why do I have to be with somebody else to make me feel okay?  

I want what I want

Not getting what I want is something fairly "new" to me.  I'm not saying that I've always had exactly what I've wanted, but in general when I wanted something in life, it was mine for the taking, or at the least I knew how or what I needed to do in order to get it.  Now, things seem to be different & I'm not real sure how or what to make of things.

I've never had to "scheme" or go to any extreme lengths to have what I wanted.  I've never had to be rude, evil or mean either.  Hurting somebody to get what I wanted was never an option I even had to consider.  Somehow, amazingly, everything always wound up falling into my lap.  Yes, there have been hard times & times I've tried to forget.  By no means has my life been perfect.  Yes, I've made my fair share of screw-ups.  But there was always a bright side to things.

Now I sit here & wonder why I can't have what I want this time.  Why don't the other side of things want what I'm wanting this time?  

All I really want is for everybody to be happy with their life.  I want what I want but at the same time I want everybody else involved to want the same thing as I do.  I don't want anybody to feel like what I want is going to mean they don't get what they want.  But I don't understand how somebody can want something for somebody they love that doesn't want the same thing.  The way I see things & the way I "want" for those I love is what they want.  How can somebody love somebody & not want that somebody to be happy - how can they want something for that somebody that the somebody doesn't want as well?  

Maybe this makes no sense the way I want it to make sense, but that's where I am.  

walking out into the highway

I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I know that I've changed. I am more of the same "me" that I was to start with, but the "me" that I had become isn't as easy to let go of as I thought it would have been. I'm not sleeping or eating like I should...to the point of where I've lost about 30 pounds. The only "old" friend I have that I still feel comfortable talking to is half way across the country & the one that is "here" has screwed me over so badly during all of this mess that I'm not sure if we will ever be "right" again.



Writing has always been my "release" but now as I sit here looking at the screen & feeling the keys click under my fingers I'm drawing a blank. My ability to trust - both myself & others - feels like it's been crushed. What I think & feel doesn't seem to matter & doesn't seem to match what most of my friends seem to think or feel. I am so tired of hearing how they think I'm wrong or how they think I should be doing things differently. Out of my 3 best friends, only 1 is still here on my side. However, since he's half way across the country, I still feel alone.



People only pay attention to somebody else's life during the highlights. Nobody seems to wonder what goes on when they're not looking. That's what's getting to me now. Everybody is seeing how things are "right now" & they don't know how we got to "right now" nor do they seem to want to understand. They haven't been living this life. They haven't seen what I've seen. They haven't given what I've given. How can they tell me that what I feel now is wrong?



How can my feelings be wrong? How can another person who hasn't lived my life tell me that I'm wrong for not feeling the way they think I should feel?



I get blasted for bringing this on myself. I made this what it is because of all the times I've left before I've came back. Yeah, okay so maybe I see that...but WHY did I come back? I came back because I wanted to believe the promises. I wanted to believe that things were going to be better. I didn't want to give anybody the opportunity to say that I didn't give it everything I had. I did it because he brought me back. How many times have I already heard everything I'm hearing now? Oh...that's right...they don't know that.



I would love to be able to say everything is going to be fine & work out the way they all seem to want it to work. I would love to feel like I did all those times before & believe in my heart that it was going to be right again. The difference this time is that instead of believing that, I'm just wondering how long it's going to last this time...I'm wondering when things are going to get bad again. And because of that, I'm scared to just jump back into things like I always have before. I'm tired of hurting & I'm tired of leaving. Yes, I am scared. Who in their right mind would go back into something when all they knew was how bad it always ends?



I said I would give things another shot. At the same time I also said that I didn't know if I could...that I didn't know if I had any try left to give. I really don't know how. It feels like walking out into the highway at night wearing a black jumpsuit - sure, there's a chance I won't get ran over, but what is most likely to happen?



Last night after everybody left & the kids were in bed we went out & sat on the swing listening to the wind. I love stuff like that. Even a year ago it would have felt good to be sitting out there side by side. Last night there was a gap between us, moreso than just the space. Instead of feeling relaxed, peaceful & loved...I felt nervous. It's not that I want to feel that way...I just do. I'm scared to walk out into the highway.

Where to go from here

Chris always seemed to knwo just what to say & how to say it whenever I was having problems.  He was always there at my side no matter what I did, no matter what I said.  He knew the "real" me & always accepted who & how I was.  He wanted more from our friendship than ever materialized but never made me choose.  I never knew how much he meant to me or how much I loved him until after he was gone.  

I did blame myself for the accident for a long time.  It was absolutely without a doubt the hardest time in my life.  Within a 2 month time frame, almost everything in my world had fallen apart.  After another very hard blow, he was on his way home from Arizona to see me.  A drunk driver ran a red light.  He died in the helicopter on the way to Phoenix.  That was very hard.

It was not easy & it took a long time to get through all of what was going on & all of what had happened.  He had always been the one that was there with me through times like that & getting through those times without him & dealing with losing him at the same time was more than I thought I could have ever handled.  But I did it...somehow I survived, like he always told me I would get through everything else I had been through.  I just kept remembering things he had told me.  "You will get through this, you will survive, you always do, you're a survivor."

I miss him & right now I need him.  

Now I'm in one of those times again & I keep trying to tell myself that again...I am a survivor.  It is still effin hard though.  There have been days that I've sat in the back corner of my closet in the dark & just cried.  I feel like everything around me has came crashing down & I don't even know where to start picking up.  I just wish he was here with me to help me steer through all this mess.  

I know I'm better now than I was then.  The past 36 hours, I've opened up parts of my past that have been locked up tight & not spoken about for almost 10 years...things that most of even my close friends don't know about me.  I've discovered a couple new friends that in the short time we've known each other have made their way under my skin enough that they now know more about me & what I've been through & what I am going through now than most of the people that have known me for years.  I know that they're both there for me & at the same time I'm a little scared to "let" them be there for me.

I'm at a crossroads in my life & I don't know which way to go.  All I know is that going back isn't right...