walking out into the highway

I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I know that I've changed. I am more of the same "me" that I was to start with, but the "me" that I had become isn't as easy to let go of as I thought it would have been. I'm not sleeping or eating like I should...to the point of where I've lost about 30 pounds. The only "old" friend I have that I still feel comfortable talking to is half way across the country & the one that is "here" has screwed me over so badly during all of this mess that I'm not sure if we will ever be "right" again.



Writing has always been my "release" but now as I sit here looking at the screen & feeling the keys click under my fingers I'm drawing a blank. My ability to trust - both myself & others - feels like it's been crushed. What I think & feel doesn't seem to matter & doesn't seem to match what most of my friends seem to think or feel. I am so tired of hearing how they think I'm wrong or how they think I should be doing things differently. Out of my 3 best friends, only 1 is still here on my side. However, since he's half way across the country, I still feel alone.



People only pay attention to somebody else's life during the highlights. Nobody seems to wonder what goes on when they're not looking. That's what's getting to me now. Everybody is seeing how things are "right now" & they don't know how we got to "right now" nor do they seem to want to understand. They haven't been living this life. They haven't seen what I've seen. They haven't given what I've given. How can they tell me that what I feel now is wrong?



How can my feelings be wrong? How can another person who hasn't lived my life tell me that I'm wrong for not feeling the way they think I should feel?



I get blasted for bringing this on myself. I made this what it is because of all the times I've left before I've came back. Yeah, okay so maybe I see that...but WHY did I come back? I came back because I wanted to believe the promises. I wanted to believe that things were going to be better. I didn't want to give anybody the opportunity to say that I didn't give it everything I had. I did it because he brought me back. How many times have I already heard everything I'm hearing now? Oh...that's right...they don't know that.



I would love to be able to say everything is going to be fine & work out the way they all seem to want it to work. I would love to feel like I did all those times before & believe in my heart that it was going to be right again. The difference this time is that instead of believing that, I'm just wondering how long it's going to last this time...I'm wondering when things are going to get bad again. And because of that, I'm scared to just jump back into things like I always have before. I'm tired of hurting & I'm tired of leaving. Yes, I am scared. Who in their right mind would go back into something when all they knew was how bad it always ends?



I said I would give things another shot. At the same time I also said that I didn't know if I could...that I didn't know if I had any try left to give. I really don't know how. It feels like walking out into the highway at night wearing a black jumpsuit - sure, there's a chance I won't get ran over, but what is most likely to happen?



Last night after everybody left & the kids were in bed we went out & sat on the swing listening to the wind. I love stuff like that. Even a year ago it would have felt good to be sitting out there side by side. Last night there was a gap between us, moreso than just the space. Instead of feeling relaxed, peaceful & loved...I felt nervous. It's not that I want to feel that way...I just do. I'm scared to walk out into the highway.