Today has been a rough one. Why I wake up some days & can't seem to make my mind ignore things I don't know, but today has been one of those days.
I talked to a friend of mine for a while this morning & instead of making me feel better like he usually does, he just made me feel worse. After I hung up I just sat out there on the swing for a while wondering if too much time has passed where he really doesn't know "me" anymore because he keeps telling me that I'm going to get through this & that the things on my mind are all going to just fall into place. He told me to just hang in there like I was shown.
I don't know if I can do that though. I don't think I'm as big of a person as the "show-er" was. Everytime I see "that" I want to cry & it rips my insides up.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living somebody else's life. I feel like I'm in this body but that my heart & soul are somewhere else. I just don't know how to get them all together. I just don't feel like I am the "real" me.
I took the kiddos to the Mardi Gras Parade. I had Cody, Camie & Hannah. Since the parade started at 2, we left at 1 & I was hoping that Glenn or Tammy would still be at Glenn's house so I could go with them. I had no idea where to go...where to park...nothing...never even been to the thing before. Nobody was at Glenn's & I started flipping out then. I tried calling but couldn't get either of them on the phone. Since my texts are effed up again, that didn't give me a very good option either. Made it all the way to town & still hadn't gotten hold of either of them. Found a place to park & still nothing...so we sat there in the truck as I kept trying to get somebody on the phone. By the time I got Glenn on the phone I was in tears.
I managed my way through the crowd trying to find Tammy & not actually "look" at anybody at the same time. By some small miracle I actually found her in the crowd. She asked & I told her I was stressed out - that the crowd & me didn't exactly mix very well. When she told me I looked like I was about to cry it took everything I had not to. As soon as the parade was over I loaded up & got out of there. The kids, especially Cody, wanted to stay. How do you explain to a 10-year-old that you're crazy?
I thought I would be okay now. I thought I could handle being in a crowd of people I didn't know by myself now. I was wrong. Why can't I do it? Why do I have to be with somebody else to make me feel okay?
Well Im right there with you. Oddly, strangely, amazingly and utterly exactly what I go through. I have been called anti-social, snotty, stuck up, rude, shy....you name it. Its not any of those things at all. If people really knew me they would know that Im not any of those things. People in general, especially crowds of people and myself don't mix with me alone, I even sometimes feel a bit of panic when Im with someone else too because I feel pressure to put myself out there more. Me alone anywhere is not a good thing. I like to think Im independent but people freak me out and I panic around large groups of strangers.
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