Mad

I just saw a post on FaceBook.  "It doesn't take much to make a woman happy.  It takes even less to make her mad."

I agree, but something inside of me won't let me show anger.  I want to be mad sometimes but I just can't express it.

That's all I have to say about that for now.

Just a memory

It's a sad truth when those that were once friends and/or lovers reach a point of bitterness where they can no longer be anything; not friends, nor enemies, but just strangers with memories.

Why?

Why do I have a day or so of good days just to be followed up my days upon days of bad days?

A good day gives me hope that I'm getting better.  But when the bad days hit all my hope is lost.  I physically hurt & I have no control over anything.

Fear

So many of the choices I’ve made in my life have been reactions to fear. Something in my world changes and inside I panic. I’m attacked by thoughts of disaster. I imagine failure, torment, agony. And then I act. I do something rash or fruitless in order to put a bandage on the situation, because the one thing I most fear is being afraid.

Blah blah blah...

Blah blah blah...

...that's what I hear most of the time when I think to myself.  I don't know why I seem to be stuck in this rut. Things have finally turned for the better & I'm still lost in my own mind.  I can't tell myself what I'm thinking much less anybody else.

Today I had high hopes.  I was spending the day here as usual tinkering around with picking things up & keeping the house half way in order.  This evening we would all go out for the Halloween thing.  I won't lie, I hate it...going out "begging" people for candy, but it's for the kids so I convinced myself that it would be okay.  It wasn't like I'd be at it alone...I'd have Clint with me & that would help settle my nerves a bit.

All day long I seemed to be trapped under the safety bar on some sort of emotional roller coaster.  I catch bits & pieces of whatever is on TV throughout the day, but today it seemed like every time I turned around it was the sad part of some show & I just wanted to bust into tears & curl up in the corner of my closet & cry. They weren't sad, make you cry shows...they were funny shows...one was even Hocus Pocus.  They were shows to make you laugh!  It gets too quiet when the TV is off so I just rode that roller coaster all day thinking that things would be so much better once the kids & Clint got home.  After all, we were going to have a fun family night out.

Kids came home chomping at the bit ready to go.  Clint got home later than usual & by that time both of them were driving my completely batty.  They were both already mad at me because we were getting out so late & both had decided off & on that they just didn't even want to go anymore.  One, because we were getting a late start & Two, because they wanted to go with their friends instead of all of us together.  Cody slammed the dogs tail in the door, had a back deck & door covered in blood.  I'm guessing the tip of a dogs tail must be like a finger to a person because that thing bled like crazy!  Luckily it didn't seem to bother her much because she just kept bouncing around wagging her tail slinging blood everywhere.  So, I got that cleaned up before we left.  Clint didn't feel good so he stayed home so it was me, on my own, out with the kids.  Nerves went into overdrive.

We went to the churches Halloween parties & I did good avoiding having to really talk to anybody.  Went to both of them & only had to talk to 2 people who I didn't manage to dodge.  Attempted the trick or treating thing but that was a major bust.  The few houses that did have porch lights on also had cars lined up down both sides of the street.  I talked them into being okay with just going to the Dollar Store to get $10 candy each.  Guess what...the Dollar Store already had the Halloween stuff put up & Christmas stuff out!  So they spent their $10 on other junk.

They were in okay moods when we got home.  I was frazzled to the core.  I got so worked up at the church parties that my stomach was literally knotting up with stabbing pains, my hands were covered with red splotches & I was burning up hot.  When we got home I looked in the mirror & my neck was covered in red splotches too.

I didn't used to be this way.  It didn't used to bother me to go out & do things.  I know I could get back on my Adderall & be better but I can't see spending about $300 a month just to be okay around people outside of my house.  I just hate feeling like a monster.  I miss being able to enjoy life.

Writing here is pretty much my only outlet because I know pretty much nobody will read it but at the same time in my mind, it's getting the thoughts "out there" in the open.  But, now that I've made myself cry again I guess I'll quit.

Let down

Tired of feeling like I let people down...

Greed

Greed.  Selfishness.  Some people really just amaze me.

About a week ago one of my FaceBook "friends" made a post about how her boyfriend had bought her a new phone & how awesome he was for doing so.  "Bravo" to her for being happy I thought.  Well, a few days ago she makes a new post about how the relationship was no more & that she kept the phone.  There was a joyous tone in her post.  I thought that it was sort of mean.  Today she made another post about how she had already been asked out again & added that maybe she could get a car out of this one.  What the hell?

Okay, so the relationship with the phone guy didn't work out & she kept the phone.  I don't think I could have accepted the phone in the 1st place if things were bad enough that just a few days later it all ended.  If he did something horrendous that caused a sudden, unexpected end to the relationship then I might see where keeping the phone would be okay.  But I still don't think "laughing" about it would be called for.

Kudos to her for already having another guy asking her out.  Apparently the last "wonderful" man she had in her life didn't really mean anything to her, so why feel bad about the break-up?  One of her 1st comments is that she wants to try to get a car out of "this one" just seems really greedy & selfish.

What is wrong with people thinking other people don't matter?  Does she think it's "cool" for her to be talking about these guys like this?  Do their feelings not matter?  What if it was somebody else talking about her the way she's talking about these guys?  I know it's a cliche that guys only want girls for sex but what if that's all they want from her & then they go around bragging about how they got what they wanted from her & left her like yesterday's garbage?  What ever happened to DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU?

Maybe the phone guy relationship was bad.  I've had a couple bad relationships myself.  When they ended, yes I was hurt & angry but I didn't make fun of him.  Every relationship, good or bad, deserves respect.  There was a reason the relationship started in the 1st place.  Nobody goes into something "knowing" or "expecting" it to be a nightmare.  Even my worst relationships were at one time good, positive things.  That is the part that I will always cherish & respect.

Vacation

I want to go on a vacation.  Sometimes I want to just go away by myself for a while but I really want a "family" vacation.  I want to load up with the kids & just drive somewhere.  It could just be for the weekend...that'd be fine.

I can remember back when it was just me & Cody.  He was a baby, not even 2 years old, but I'd load him up on Friday evening after I got off work & we'd just drive for a few hours.  I never really knew where we were going.  I never knew until we got there.  I'd take off in a direction & just go.  It was freedom I think.  It was something different from every day normal life.  It was a distraction.  It was fun.  It was the unknown.  It was both planned & unplanned.  It was adventure.  I can't tell you where we went.  We'd stay the night somewhere just because I liked the name of the town or because that's where I stopped to get gas or because that's where he happened to wake up or because it just might have seemed like a good place to stop & turn around.  The next day we'd try to find a Sonic then a park or rest stop somewhere to stop & play for a while before driving on to another little place somewhere or heading back home.  They weren't "fancy" vacations.  They were just what I thought of as "family" time.  I miss doing that.

It's hard for me to imagine myself doing anything like that now.  I rarely leave the house.  The thought of getting out & going somewhere like that "on my own" is enough to make me want to make sure all the curtains are closed, lock the doors & curl up in a corner somewhere.  But to think about all of us going...that I could handle.

Am I breaking?

There are days when nothing really goes wrong but I feel like busting into tears every few moments.  "What's wrong?" is about the worst question possible because I really don't know!  Am I completely losing it?  Am I breaking?

Heart of Glass

So maybe I do have a heart of glass.  It may not always shatter but it sure seems to chip & crack a lot.  Bad thing is that most of the time I don't even know why. 

What really matters

You only have so much time and energy to spend every day. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. What really matters to you? Do you even know? Don't waste your time on things that aren't a priority in your life. Don't waste your energy on things that aren't your responsibility. Use your time & energy on what matters most to you. If you knew all you had was today what would you do? Would the people you care for know everything you want them to know? Who guarantees you tomorrow?

Randomness 1/11/2012

Don’t worry about tomorrow…it’s just the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Sometimes the hardest choices are the ones most necessary.

Don’t be a fool…when life offers you a chance at happiness, you better take it.

Sometimes you need to stop worrying about making everybody else happy & realize that YOU deserve to be happy.

Forget the drama.  Move on in life.  Be who you are for you & not anybody else.

Happiness is a lot like a butterfly.  If you chase it, it will continue to fly away.  If you focus on the other things in life, it will land softly on your shoulder.

Is going to try on “normal” today.  I suspect it’s not gonna fit though.

I mixed coffee & Red Bull together this morning.  Now I’m seeing noises!!!

There’s a fine line between genius & crazy.  I like to use that line as a jump rope.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t make everybody happy.  You just end up hurting yourself more in the process.

Things happen for a reason.  All you have to do is go with what you think is right.  Don’t let things get you down…just carry on.  Forgive & forget.

Blood is thicker than water?  When family turns their backs & friends stand by your side you know who really cares.

Go ahead & push me…I’m already down.  Go ahead & break my heart…it’s already torn.  Go ahead & burn me to the ground…I’m already scorched.  Just go ahead & do what you’re gonna do.

You can deny all you want.  Unfortunately it doesn’t change the situation already created or damage already done.

Sorry, I don’t have enough tokens to continue playing your games.

My wall is now 30’ high, 2’ thick & rigged with explosives.  Good luck.

Even after all the tears & heartbreak every girl has that one guy that no matter how hard she tries, she can’t get over.

My heart may be shattered, but I still love you with all the little pieces.

Love is an amazingly horrible thing that gives somebody the power to hurt you.

Just once I want to meet a guy that is more afraid to lose me than being hurt.

It’s always the ones you love the most that make you cry the hardest.

Life is too short to ignore what your heart really wants.

Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am & that I’ll get through this.  But they’re not there with me when I cry myself to sleep at least every other night.

Silence...

This is pretty much one side of a conversation I've been having this morning...

I've sat down here several times over the past couple weeks trying to write, but this sums it up better than the pages of text I've written & deleted over & over.

Today

You haven't made me mad...

I haven't really talked to anybody. I feel like I just really don't matter. I know that's a bad thing to say & I know I shouldn't even think it & it bothers me that I do. I'm sitting here crying again bc I don't know what to do about anything.

I'm tired of being the problem in everything I see going on.

I'm usually fine once I go somewhere or start doing something...it's just getting started on anything.

If I knew about somebody else what I know about myself I would think they needed to be committed somewhere

& that's why I've been keeping so quiet. I know I'm bad...I just don't know what to do about it