Saturday, October 9, 2010

Happiness & All That Other Shit

Was originally gonna title this one something else, but then something a friend said about "what they should have made a CD title" popped into my head.

I really think I should split this up into 2 posts b/c I've got 2 different things on the tips of my fingers...but I think I might can be okay with spilling them both in this 1.


FRIENDS

Yeah, some people have them. Here in the past few weeks it has been brought to my attention that not all of mine are "real" ones though. I'm not so dense that I think all friends are always true friends but I thought that I pretty much knew which ones were for me & which ones were against me. Apparently I was mistaken.  

The "real" ones...even the ones that you don't see or talk to often...will always back you. They won't talk you "down" to others. They're the ones that no matter what you do, they always stick around.

I have 1 true friend that's been by my side.  He'll have my back always.  The "other" ones I don't need.


I'M GOOD WITH THIS

Yesterday I talked to a friend who said something that took a while to sink in & make sense to me. The jist of what she said...or how it made sense to me was that if he really cared for the kids & me as much as he wants me to believe that we wouldn't be going through this "where are we gonna live" situation...that he would have already made sure that we were good in that respect.

Sitting outside this morning, that all really clicked with me. It would be nice to know where we were going to be every night, but I'm gonna figure it all out. I am a tough cookie. It may take me a little while to get all my little duckies lined up but it will happen.

This is a good thing.


This is a good day! =)
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Friday, October 8, 2010

If I had a potato...

I think Roger might be a good name for a potato.  Of course, I'm also considering Norman or Sebastian.  I still haven't figured out why I'm thinking about names for pet potatoes though.

Oddly enough I've also got the Batman theme song stuck in my head at the moment.  So...I guess I could name my potato Bruce.

Ya know...if somebody ever decides to shoot me, I sure hope they're a pretty good shot because if they missed or didn't do a good enough job the first time I think I would be ticked off.  We're not even talking tequila ticked here...I figure it's be a bit worse than that.

Cody sacked out on my couch tonight...guess I'll be not sleeping here in the recliner instead of over there tonight.  A while back, I did learn that if I get it set just right in the corner that it works really well for........oh yeah, 2 second rule works sometimes.

It's rare that I ever want something that I'm scared of but I've got more than one of them somethings swimming around my mind here lately.  Not really sure what to make of them either.  I usually prefer to lay all my cards out on the table, which I have concerning one of the somethings, but for other somethings I'm not so sure I should.  After being burned a few times I think that holding those cards for a while longer could be best.  But my mind starts kicking in telling me that laying them out there as well might be best as well.  It's always tougher when there's more than just me involved in a situation.

I don't think I would name my potato Garrett.

I want somebody to convince me again that it's all worth my while.  I want to believe in it all again, but I don't want to fall into great only to find out that people change again.

I don't know why I think potatoes should be boys.   

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ramblin' 2010-09-21

Attempting to take over the world was much easier when I had a job.

This time, prospects are slim. Not good for me, that's for sure. Maybe I shoulda worked on things with a plan again this time...with an order of how I was gonna do things. Oh well...I didn't.

All in all I feel good. I'm confident that although it ain't easy...it is the right thing to do. I've survived this once before, I'll survive this time as well.

I hate that over the past almost 9 years I've allowed him to push away almost all of my friends. The only "old" friends I have left are the ones that live far enough away that they didn't get the ever so lightly but constant push away from me. I can see it now but I didn't at the time.

The bad thing is that they're all still far away. I miss you guys!

I have a few "new" friends & they're great. Of course that gets me told that I'm acting weird or crazy hanging with "new" people, but at least they make me smile.most of the time instead of sit around emotionless or curled up in a ball in the corner of my closet crying.

My head is pounding but (sure it's a big surprise)...I'm not sleepy! So, I'm laid crossways on my bed in the dark, rambling to nobody on my phone. Hmmm...maybe I am crazy. Oh well!
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Monday, August 16, 2010

Eleven Hints for Life

1.  It hurts to love somebody & not be loved in return.  But what is more painful is to love somebody & never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2.  A sad thing in life is when you meet somebody who means a whole lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be & you just have to let go.

3.  The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word & then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4.  It's true that we don't know what we've got until it's gone, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until we have it.

5.  It only takes a minute to develop a crush on somebody, an hour to like somebody & a day to love somebody - but it takes a lifetime to forget somebody.

6.  Don't go for looks, they can deceive.  Don't go for wealth, even that fades awy.  Go for somebody that makes you smile because it only takes a smile to make a dark day seem brighter.

7.  Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be.  Because you only have one life & one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8.  Always put yourself in the other's shoes.  If you feel that it hurts you, it most likely hurts them too.

9.  A careless word may kindle strife.  A cruel word may wreck a life.  A timely word may level stress.  But a loving word may heal & bless.

10.  The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything...they just make the most of everything that comes their way.

11.  Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear.  When you were born, you were crying & everybody around you was smiling.  Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling & everybody around you is crying.

Friday, August 13, 2010

My "Eleanor"

In "Gone in 60 Seconds" Nicholas Cage had his Eleanor...the 1967 Mustang GT 500 that seemed to always give him problems even though he could boost almost any other car without blinking an eye. I seem to have an Eleanor. NO, I don't boost cars, but I've got a pretty good idea how he must have felt.


Being true to my "guarded" self, I won't name names, but I'm pretty sure he knows that he knows my weakness(es) more than anybody else on the planet & that he at least has a slight idea that he is my Eleanor.   Love ya J.  


Monday, July 26, 2010

It's not really "that" bad...

In my world nothing is really all that bad. (And, I say "in my world" because people that know me would most likely tell you that's were I am...in my own world.) Sure, things aren't all that great, but they could always be worse.

I do bitch & complain about my life a lot I guess. I usually say I'm not much of a complainer, but today I realized, just out of the blue, that I am. I'm not exactly happy about that realization, but...

But in my defense, I'm not a "normal" bithcher & complainer. (Yeah, y'all had to see that coming...when am I ever a "normal" anything?) I don't voice all my woes to everybody around me on a constant basis. I, for the most part, keep my complaints to myself or to my writing. I don't go around every day spouting all the feel-bad thoughts about my life in spoken words to everybody I see. I am a, by-actions, optimist.

When I talk to people, on very rare occasions I do actually "talk" to people, I want to be positive & say good, uplifting things. I don't want to be one of those people who people dread because everything that comes out of their mouthis negative. I could be...my thoughts usually live in "feel bad land"...but I would rather try to make the people around me happy & have them be in a good mood rather than down. My solution is sarcasm & jokes to make light of situations.

It doesn't always work like a charm & a lot of times people really don't relly know what to make of it or how to take me. But I am that way with the best of intentions.

Yes, I think most of the time that my life sucks balls. However, I'm sure it could be worse. I am going to avoid my usual urge to elaborate on every thought that pops into my head as to why my life sucks balls, because when I give in to that I wind up writing & writing & writing & writing...well, you get the point, right? Basically a bunch of bs about blah blah blah that nobody really cares about & that I after reading back over what I wrote (like I know better than to do, but usually do anyways) decide that I really shouldn't actually publish on the internet & then wind up deleting hours or so of text so I feel safer knowing that all my closely guarded secret thoughts stay that way. (Like anybody actually reads this stuff I post on here anyways.)

A friend of mine tells me over & over to just post the ramblings that I write down how they show up on the screen & not to re-read & censor things out because that way my future book is already written. He seems to think that people actually care & want to read about my crazy thoughts & wacked up life. I have told him that one day I might be able to do that but for now I still have issues with people knowing too much. Maybe when I'm old & away from "where I am now" (mind-set-wise) I'll do that, but for now I think I'll just stick with my vague & censored way of wriing ramblings down so they're all confusing. Seems to work better for me this way for now.

=)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Damned if I do...Damned if I don't...

I used to be able to sit down & write anything. The ideas & thoughts would just flow like crazy. I couldn’t type fast enough to get all of them out. Now I still have all the crazy ideas but when I sit down to write, my mind goes blank. This isn’t really anything new…I’ve been struggling with it for months, but every time I think I’ll be able to sit down & write, the “nothing” takes over all again.

.

The farther I seem to drift away from who I was…the less I am able to be who I am. I want to be me…not this new person that I feel I’ve been forced into becoming. The more I drift away, the less I can get down into words. I don’t want to be so far away from myself that the words stop.

.

I see me & what I want. But when I do it’s just the unrealistic versions that pop into my head from movies & songs. Real life versions come in tiny flashes. I’m still in here. The smiles are still in here. The fun is still in here. The “happy” is still in here. It’s just all covered up by the life that my fears allowed me to build around me.

.

I want to break out of this shell of a life. I want to be able to be me without hurting anybody else. I know “why” I’m this person. I just don’t understand why knowing why doesn’t help me do anything about it. The decisions I make…the things I do…the things I say…I know that it’s not “me” but I can’t not be that way. (Yes…I know that’s not correct grammar.) It’s like watching a bad, really poorly written movie. You know what the characters “should” do & you can see in advance that what they do is going to be a disaster, but you can’t do anything about it. Basically, it’s co-dependence, which I have learned is not that rare in children of alcoholics. And…true to the real me…I seem to go overboard with everything & have a pretty extreme form.

.

But…knowing all of that spirals me into the next problem: depression. I’ve never really sat down until now & looked at everything in any order, but now that I look at it all this way, it finally makes a little more sense. Not complete sense because this is all just now unfolding in my head as I’m typing, but…logically, it makes sense. Think about it this way: If you were living your life the way you thought everybody around you wanted you to be living your life & ignoring what you wanted wouldn’t you be a bit depressed as well? Maybe that’s why the drugs don’t seem to help much?

.

And…that sorta explains the next dilemma: social anxiety. I’m not happy with myself. It makes sense that I don’t want to be around people. Leaving the house is hard. I make excuses, usually anything that happens to pop into my head at the time that sounds half-way believable, but the truth is that I just don’t want to go out because “pretending” is just too damn tiring & I hate it.

.

I can go out & have fun. I can go out & enjoy myself. But when I do I get “in trouble” for it…WTF??? I get asked how I can go out & be fine sometimes but not others. Well, it’s just now clicking in my head that all the times I’ve gone out & had fun…all the times I’ve had to “explain myself”…those are the times when I “let go” of all the “pretend me” crap.

.

Really one of those damned if I do, damned if I don’t situations.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I don't know what it is anymore...

Whatever there is to be said I'm not sure I know what it is anymore. At times I get so overwhelmed with the urge to sit down & write, yet at the same time I have no idea what there is to write. Like now...I want to write...I want to hear these keys click under my fingers, but I don't know what to say.

I have sat here for most of the day. I've tried to think of what it is that I am supposed to be saying. Yeah, I've got a lot on my mind, but none of that seems to be the "right" thing to put into words....nothing fits...nothing works. When it's "right" my fingers move like they've got a mind of their own...they type & the words just appear.

This "writing/typing" urge hit me around 11 this morning. I had a small "break" a little after noon when I had to go pick Cody up from school & just got back from picking Camie up from the bus...so that already equals quite a few hours here saying nothing.

I think I know what it is but I don't want to know it at the same time. I feel it coming...slipping up on me...crawling in through the cracks. It still confuses me. I don't understand how I can know that something is not "right" but let it bother me so much at the same time. I've avoided it & hid from it for a long time now...but just to end all of that, I was diagnosed with depression several years ago.

It's definitely not something I'm proud of. In fact I've avoided saying it & admitting it in almost every way imaginable. There's this thing in my head that keeps telling me that there's something wrong with me for being this way. I'm smart...I should be better than this...I should know better...I should be able to see this & know better than to "give in" to it. In my mind I see this as something that I should be better than. But no matter how much I try to ignore it, I can't seem to escape it.

I feel lost in a way. I have no drive to do anything. I just want to be "right" & not hurt anymore.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What I Want (part 2)...

I guess this will most likely sound strange coming from me, but I want somebody who believes things should be like they used to be in a way.  I believe that the man should have the majority of the power in the relationship.  (Yeah...those of you rolling on the floor to know that this is coming from me, go ahead & get back up b/c there's more.)

That being said...there are some stipulations that might differ a little bit from "true old school" thinking.  I will NOT be run over.  My stipulation is that there's a lot of give & take involved.  My smart mouth & attitude might be just a tad strong.

If my guy makes me happy...I should do whatever I can to make him happy as well.

If my guy provides for me...I should make sure that I provide for him as well.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Love is the greatest of these...

After being away for several days, I reluctantly came back home. One of my best friends has been after me to take a look at a book: The Love Dare, Day by Day. He even offered to mail the book to me. I picked it up a month or so ago, but haven't even opened it. After I got the kids in bed sleeping & laid down myself I remembered about it. I wasn't really tired yet, so I picked it up to glance through a few pages.

WOW!

A week ago, I may have found it all pretty blah, but to read this today I have no other way to explain it other than amazing.

I'm not exactly sure why Steven thought I should look at this book & I'm not sure why I chose today to be the day to open it up. I'm not sure what the rest of the book will mean to me & I have no idea what the rest of the book contains. But...I do know that I completely understand what this entry is saying & that it gave me chills to be able to understand & realize that I know what this kind of love is like.


This Week's DareBegin praying this week: "Lord, teach me what real love is and make me a loving person."


If I have all faith, so that I can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.1 Corinthians 13:2
Loving God and others is what life is really about. No matter who you are or what you do, it comes down to whether you'll live a life of love or not. And there is a vast difference between the two. One is priceless...and one is meaningless.
Love is the most important ingredient to any meaningful relationship. It is fundamental to true significance. Your quality of life is directly tied to the amount of love flowing in you and through you to others. Though it's often overlooked, love is infinitely more valuable than riches, fame or honor. They will pass away, but love remains. You can be fulfilled without these, but not without love.
The absence of love leaves a devastating void. When it is not present, your spirituality becomes superficial, your benevolent deeds self-centered, and your sacrifices insincere. In any relationship where love is not your motivation, you can expect it to feel bland and unfulfilling - if not meaningless. When asked to identify life's greatest command, Jesus summed it up this way: to love God with all you are and to love your neighbor as yourself. Will you embrace a life of love?





I was once told that love is just a word until you find somebody that gives it definition. I believe that because I did find that somebody. I found that definition a while ago but I haven't tried to very actively pursue it because it scares me. I've tried to redefine it, but I've never been able to get that amazing, uncontrollable feeling up until a couple months ago. In the past several days I've learned why: love can't be redefined when the definition you find is so real & so true. Nothing will ever redefine what I know the definition of love to be.  He may never even know...I may be crazy to even think the way I think...but there;s something I can't explain.  (Honestly, I do think I'm crazy.)

It is amazing to me that I opened this book today & read this entry today. Thank you Steven for encouragiung me to get this book...your timing, or more-so my timing of glancing through it, could not have been better!

I know that priceless love because I know what it's like not having it. I know what that devastating void feels like when love is absent from your life. I know how it feels bland, unfulfilling & meaningless to be in a relationship that isn't motivated by that definition of love that I learned so many years ago.

To have that definition of love back in my life, even if it's in my own head, I am amazed at the instant warm feeling flowing through my body again. When love was absent, I felt empty & alone...nothing ever really made me happy. To think that I finally know what it feel like to truly love, I can't help but smile. I'm not smiling for no reason - I'm smiling because I have reason to smile. I'm smiling because I know that definition of love is there.

I used to think that security was more important than love or happiness. I learned the hard way that it is not. I can be happy without security if I know I have love. I have learned that I can not be happy with security if I do not have love.

I may not "have" that love that I know exists, but now I know what to look for.  Now I know that I CAN actually feel & regardless of whether I get it back in return, it's still a great feeling inside,

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Jan 2 2K10: Happenings on the Hill


Always a bit of a night owl also means I'm not exactly an early morning person. Last night I wound up on my phone until about 5 or so before I finally forgot what time it was last time I looked.



D got up sometime this morning & left out for work between then & 6 or so I guess. He's supposed to be in Lone Star at 7 & unlike me is almost never late for anything...so I'm pretty sure he was gone a little before 6.



After a couple hours of sleep there in the recliner, it was time to get up & get the kids some breakfast in their starving (yeah...) little (...right) tummies. Oddly enough, they love Malt-O-Meal so that was their choice this morning. I got it all cooked up, their bowls filled & back to the recliner I went for a while so I could work on my own breakfast of champions - Dr. Pepper.



It would have been nice to have gone back to sleep for a while, but with 2 wild kids, 3 Chihuahuas & a 120+ pound Lab/Great Pyrenees mix all here in the house & all knowing that I wasn't completely asleep anymore...that wasn't gonna happen. The kids were playing Connect 4 & Chess. I watched a cartoon with the Madagascar Penguins that they had on & finished about 2 cans of breakfast caffeine.



I don't know what time it was when I finally decided to get up & move around, but it was 10-ish. I did some stretching & my first 50 sit-ups...figured since I hadn't been down the dirt road in a while, I'd start back up. I got my shoes on & figured I'd get at least a 1/2 mile lap done. I went on out to the truck, grabbed the Oregon & heart rate monitor & sat down on the swing to finish off another DP while I got the monitor on & new batteries in the GPS.



Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something that did not belong. There was a Suburban parked out at the edge of the backyard by my burn hole! Between the house and there is the driveway, a "little house" aka building & some yard...about 70 yards.



Just a little startled at first, I started figuring in my head why it could be there. Geocachers? Maybe, but if so they really sucked at it because they were a pretty good ways from any of the 3 caches that were within logical walking distance. Na...surely not...we're smarter than that. Maybe somebody rode to work with D? As much as I hate calling (anybody), I did. "Did anybody ride to work with you today? Is there any reason a Suburban would be parked out in the yard?" Uhh...nope, that wasn't it either. Next idea was...well...something just ain't right.



I looked down there & couldn't see anybody anywhere. Couldn't see anybody inside or outside of the truck. What to do now? The kids were inside on the computer playing a game oblivious to the drama about to unfold outside. That was a plus because I definitely didn't want them out there with me "trying" to help. I went back to the truck & traded the Oregon for my S&W 9mm.



I'm not a scaredy cat but I'm not stupid either. I knew better than to walk down there & explore what was going on by myself. There could be anything down there as far as I knew at this point.



I locked all the doors here in the house & told the kids just to stay inside not opening the doors for any other reason other than me knocking. Think they still thought I was just going down the road & they were caught up in their game, so they were okay with that.


I tried calling Billy across the road. No answer & I'm pretty sure that the message I left didn't make a lot of sense. I think I said something about for him to either call me back or come over & that if he just came on over that he should come over the fence ladder & in the front door rather than coming around the back because there was a strange vehicle parked back there. I'm not real sure what I said exactly because by this point I was starting to feel a little freaked out.



Finally got some assistance when Kenny drove up. I seem to be on a roll so far this year because I had him out here yesterday too as part of the "unstuck my truck" crew. That's another "whole-day adventure" - lol. Anyways...he drove down next to the Suburban & I followed on foot. When I met up with him down there, he was talking to somebody right in the edge of the woods. Gun cocked & ready in my back pocket I slowly made my way on around the truck.



There was this woman, who my guess was 40-something-ish, sitting out there, legs straight out in front of her, back against a little tree, on the ground in the woods by my burn hole. Her hands were covered in blood & mud. There was a cut on her face. Some of the blood, but no way all, could have came from that...where the rest came from ??? She had long dark hair pulled back into a series of rubber bands down to about her mid-back. She had on a lightweight, long-sleeved, black t-shirt & blue jeans with one pants leg all scrunched up almost to her knee. I couldn't help but notice the pink camo-ed fat baby boots (lol).


She was in the middle of telling Kenny that she had been out there talking to her friend when all of a sudden, her friend just took off running into the woods. Uhh...ummm...o k a y...I don't know what I was thinking then.



To answer the question: "I" let the dogs out. I had the back door locked, but still cracked open a bit while I was standing there waiting for Kenny...the little 3 aren't very big & managed to slip out...the big one is big enough where if the door isn't latched he gets out if he wants out. Of course, they were where I was & when they noticed the "new" stuff out there, they were right in the middle of things barking at the invaders of their territory. They were barking all around her & out into the woods. They didn't take off into the woods but just that they were barking out into them & hearing that her friend ran off out there made me wonder.



She rambled on, then informing us that she was just there with her friend who was at the beauty shop right around the corner...pointing first to the house & then the other direction toward to dirt road. When we pointed out to her that there wasn't a beauty shop anywhere around here she told us that it was possible that she had made a wrong turn since she was sorta new to the area & not really familiar with Longview because she had spent the past several years in New Mexico or Colorado. ??? By now I was pretty much thinking that this lady was a wack-job!



When we asked her about the blood, she told us that she had been in an argument with the dog. My dogs were all there, but none were bloody which is a very good thing for her. BB is very protective but only stays within a couple feet of me & no way I had been that close to this nut. Sassy has a temper that can flare up pretty quick, but as long as she's not provoked she loves everybody - & I don't think this woman was livid enough to provoke anything (the entire time we were down there talking to her she never even moved). Cosmo is definitely big enough to do some damage if he wanted to, but then again, this is the dog that won't even chase a rabbit in the yard...yeah, he's lazy - no argument. I'm not even sure if he "can" growl. Pedro is the only one that would have possibly bitten her & since he's white it was pretty easy to tell that he had no blood on him. Was thinking to myself that maybe the friend of hers that was at the beauty shop had the dog with her getting it's hair done as well...hell, at this point nothing she said was gonna be much of a surprise (or make sense).



After letting her know that she was 35+ miles & at least 45 minutes from Longview, she tried to explain that she would call her friend to see how much longer she was going to be (there...at the beauty shop!) but the problem was that her cell battery was dead. This friend was one of those people that just was overly attached to calling other people's phones & that had drained the battery. She told us that if we'd let her borrow our phone for a minute that she'd give the friend a call. Kenny quickly pointed out that he didn't have a phone on him & I must have had one of those temporary lapses in memory because I didn't even think of offering mine.



I started taking a few steps back & Kenny followed suit. Didn't even bother thinking about walking back to the house...I was in the truck. When he got in as well, I just looked over at him & said "I think I need to make a phone call." There wasn't any disagreement & a few seconds later I amazingly regained my memory & found my phone in my pocket.



Before we were even back at the patio, I had the dispatcher on the line. I had already used the binoculars to get & write the license plate number down. Learning from previous confusion when the last crack-head I came across ran into & totaled my truck, my first question was if I had Cass or Marion County on the line. The stars were aligned (once in a blue moon thing I guess) & luckily I had managed to get Marion County on the line. I told him that there was a Suburban parked in my yard & a woman sitting out in the woods that was out of her mind crazy! ...that I needed a car out here now, if not sooner. He let me know that they were on the way.



Kenny left out to go back home...he had his daughter, so really couldn't stay. That was fine. I'm a tough cookie, she didn't really look like she was gonna get up & go anywhere, the kids were locked up inside the house & I had a 9mm in my back pocket with about 14 rounds in the clip. From the patio I had a pretty good view of the whole back hill, so all I had to worry about was getting my dogs back in the house. The way I saw it, she already had an argument & apparently got into a fight with one dog, mine weren't gonna be next on the list! Lol



BB was easy...I walk & she follows. Pedro wasn't all that tough, he actually comes when I call him. Sassy: The Afflicted, well...we just call her retarded. I called she ran in circles between the building & the burn hole - maybe she was chasing the invisible "thing" that she stares at in the house? I have no idea. So I gave up on her for a little bit & started looking around to see where Cosmo went (he's the big one). All around the house - no Cosmo??? Went through the house & looked out front - there he was across the road at Billy's...okay, that's fine. Back to Sassy. I went back out back & tried calling the little re-re again. This time I even got a response...from the nut-job out in the woods...she hollered out to let me know that Sassy was down there with her. Well, duhh...I could hear & see that Sassy was dancing around her barking again. A shake of the food bowl & she was on her way back up the hill. In the house she went.


D called back from Lone Star & I let him know what she had told us & that the calvary was on the way. He mentioned that if somebody was possibly out there in the woods that the neighbors might need to be let in on what was going on. Easier said than done. I wasn't leaving the house & definitely not taking the kids out of the house to go over there. I don't even know their names so looking up a number wasn't really gonna happen. I still hadn't gotten in touch with Billy across the road, so couldn't ask him to go over there. I called down the road to the Game Warden's house. Asked Terri if Ricky was home & gave her a brief run-down on what was going on & asked her to have Ricky go check in at the new neighbors house.



The cavalry arrived with a K-9 unit & an additional car. I again gave a brief run-down of what we had found out thus far & they took off down the hill. She rattled off a big long list of meds that she had taken (possibly) & they decided that an ambulance was her best ticket out of my yard. They searched the Suburban & recovered some marijuana, a pharmacy of prescriptions & a dog.


Maybe this was the vicious man-eating dog she had argued with? Let me just say that this thing was the baddest looking little weenie dog I think I have ever laid eyes on. Just watching it wag that fear-inspiring tail as it ran circles around the deputy's made me shiver in my boots at their bravery. (I'm being sarcastic here in case you were wondering.)





The re-enforcements finally arrived (aka: ambulance) & they too went down the hill to see this spectacle. She didn't really want to leave Holly (this was the friend) there at the beauty shop (which now, was right there in the woods) but the medics & deputy's convinced her that Holly would be fine. With a medic on each side, they hoisted this lady up off the ground. She tried helping by trying to walk but after about 5 or 6 partial dragging steps she decided it was better for her to crumple to the ground. That dog she had been arguing with really must have done a number on her to leave her so incapacitated! The medics at first decided that maybe they could again hoist her back up & just sorta drag her up the hill to the ambulance but that didn't pan out too well so at last they resorted to just driving the ambulance down there & using a gurney. (I thought this was a brilliant idea, somebody should have suggested that when they first got there...wait...I think somebody did...yep, pretty sure I suggested that from the start.)



After brilliantly loading this ridiculous character into the ambulance, everybody gets to stand around & wait for her boyfriend to show up. Now I was just hoping that we called the right guy. This could be even more interesting if the wrong one showed up to get her!



According to la-la-lady, Steve was her boyfriend, Frank was her ex-husband & Holly was her friend out there at the beauty shop in the woods getting her hair done.



When narrating while we had all been waiting on the ambulance she said that this morning she told Frank something… (I don’t remember what she thinks she told him, but that wasn’t the point anyways…). One of the Deputy’s then asked, well, who’s Frank? She quickly corrected that she had meant to say that she told Steve something this morning.



Once Steve (& yes he was the right one to have been called) got there a few more gaps in the history finally got “unfilled” in – nothing had made sense so far. She left his house (in the upscale & distinguished Crime Harbor community) the day before yesterday going to her mother’s house – not upset or after a fight or anything like that – she had just left to go visit her mother. Her mother never saw her, hadn’t heard from her & didn’t know that she was supposed to have been there. So with the additional info, we now had a solid 24-hour block that was unaccounted for – but – on the positive side, he assured everybody that Holly wasn’t with her…at least the woods are supposedly safe now. Lovely



The front of the Suburban was covered with mud, dirt & grass. There wasn’t any “stuck” spots there in my yard other than the gigantuous ruts in the front yard from yesterday’s adventure & the dirt road between the black top & the house was all free of anything that looked like she could have ran off the road here. Skipping ahead a little bit…the Suburban was also locked into 4WD. Just what went on before she crashed through the yard & landed her spaceship here?



The ambulance finally leaves taking ET-etta away. Steve & his friend attempt to get her Suburban out of my yard. The Deputy asks me…if they can’t get it started (they were trying to jump-start it) do you want me to get a wrecker out here? I think he already knew it was a no-brainer question but I told him anyways – I didn’t care how it got out of my yard, it just needed to be gone – that I didn’t want them to have any reason to come back out here. Of course, I was just thinking of them & the fuel cost of driving between here & Crime Harbor again & again – I had their best interests at heart, you know. Luckily, they get the thing started.
That’s when they found out that she had the thing locked into 4WD.



Me & the Deputy guys speculated a little while Steve & his buddy were out there getting the truck started…Maybe she never intended to go to her mother’s & instead went to see Frank, the ex-husband? Would explain why she had the slip up of saying his name instead of Steve’s when she was telling about what she had “told him” that morning – especially since Steve said she had left the day before. Maybe the fight was with Frank or his dog? It was just a theory – I don’t think any of us even think that she actually knows what was or had gone on for a while. The lady was pretty effed up!



Now, since she wasn't really with any of us on this planet nobody knew for sure what parts of what she had said were or were not half way real (I'd say true, but I think true makes a lot more sense in her case). Still wondering if somebody else could possibly be out in the woods somewhere the dogs turn was up.





this apparently is a beauty shop!





Starting there at the Suburban & her seat there in the waiting room at the beauty shop in the woods the dogs were turned loose to see what they could find. Luckily after a leisurely stroll through the woods all they came up with were some startled doves. I think that pleased everybody involved considering that Holly may, but most likely wasn't with her, & that we were all still a little unsure about the unexplained amount of blood she had on her hands.



When everybody finally cleared out it was almost 3:00! So much for my mile, mid-day set of 50 & belly dancin’ for the day (lol). I didn’t get the washing machine fixed either – not even the destructive part of getting it taken apart! All my sawmill boards & 2x6’s from the “unstuck-ing” are still down the hill in the front…didn’t get them picked up either. By the time I got the living room half way put back together from the kids being locked inside all day it was time to get supper together…which I went all out on by reheating the peas, cabbage & sausage from yesterday to cover (ha ha).


But I guess the state of the hill has finally been restored to as close to normal as usual.



Just to be safe though I've decided that sleeping with 2 guys might be best for tonight. After spending most of the day on my ass, I don't think staying with me for the rest of the night will be a problem. Sweet dreams Smith & Wesson & me...

Reasons...Those Ties

Have you ever sat & thought about how if one little thing never would have happened how so many other things never would have followed to happen either?  The "Butterfly Effect" if you will...those ties that we don't understand in the moment...

There are so many times when things don't go our way & we blame life.  In a round about way, maybe it teaches us...usually for our own good.  But "life" is really not to blame.  Our choices & everything that has ever happened up until that point is to blame.  There is not always a clear cut reason.

When things go wrong, our future self learns from the choices we made...we become a better person.  We learn from experience.  When a future, similar situation presents itself we have a memory to draw from that helps us make a better decision.  If we can learn to believe that everything happens for a reason, we can learn to have confidence in our own decisions to be better when our path is hindered by a bad situation in the future.

Consider the possibility that nothing in life happens by accident & that everything actually does happen for a reason.  Everybody we meet in life plays a part in our future, be it big or small.  Some will betray us, make us cry, hurt us...but we become stronger.  Some will teach us a lesson, not to change us but to make us realize our mistakes & to help us grow as our own person...to help us make better decisions as our future self.  Some will be there to love us, inspire us, motivate us...make us happy in all the ways we need happiness.

Everything that has ever happened, good or bad, has shaped our present & future self to be smarter & stronger.

Life is full of confusion & questions.  We won't always have all of the answers when the moment arrives.  But believe that every single thing that has happened up until that point will all make sense eventually.

When life confuses you, laugh at it.  Smile when you feel like crying.  Remind yourself that there is a reason & that reason will only make you better.