What if...

What if the world was a different place.   What if it wasn't so bad to think the things that I'm sure we all think.

I think I could fall in love & I don't even know why...just a feeling that came over me earlier today that hasn't gone away.

I'm sure this feeling will pass & that it's a one-sided thing but "Whoa Nelly...Dammmit Boy!", it's fun to dream.

It's all completely out of left field & I'm sitting here wondering how I can even think such things.  But, I know that life must go on.  Therefore, I now return you to your regular scheduled programming.  Bummer...

Avoidance

Every now & then I have one of those days that I just want to disappear...just want to go away somewhere/anywhere.  Here lately, those days seem to come around more & more often.  It just seems that no matter how hard I try to make things right & to make things better, the more of a mess I find myself in.  Sometimes I feel like the walls are falling in around me & there's nothing I can do that will ever make it all right.

I've had friends & family members tell me that they worry about me because I'm distant these days.  My mom even told me that she thinks I should get out more.  

I've always been one of those people that pretty much keep to themselves.  I don't trust people & I don't depend on other people.  I don't ask other people to do things for me very often & I rarely even initiate conversation with people.  None of that is new though.

What is new is my avoidance of people.  It's not any specific person - it's just people in general.  I very rarely call anybody.  I rarely answer my phone.  I don't like going to public places, especially on my own or by myself.  I even have a hard time going to normal everyday places like the grocery store.  I get all worked up inside when I have to talk to people.  I have realized that almost all of my communication is now e-mail or text messaging.

Last Thursday, I was running co-ax cable & ran out of staples.  It wouldn't have taken very long to go to town & get some.  Instead, I tried everything I could think of as a substitute.  I was pretty flustered by the time I found out that it was hard to hold a cable on a wall with out something to wrap all the way around it.  I used about 3 strips of nails trying to get enough of them around the cable to hold it in place. 

In addition to the staples I needed I also had a few other things that needed to be done in town that I had been putting off (I had an envelope that Cody had forgotten to take to school that morning, I had another envelope that had a deposit that needed to go in the bank days ago, I had a little list of things that we needed from the grocery store).   David had been working 12-hour days, but was off Friday morning, he had to go in on graveyards that night.  I asked him if he was going to town for anything.  He said he was & that relieved me because I could just get him to take care of things for me.  However, he never went & wound up laying around resting since he had to go to work that night.  

I finally talked myself into going around 1 or so that afternoon.  I figured I could still put off the little list from the grocery store, and just going through the drive-thru at the bank & running into the hardware store to grab some staples wouldn't take too long & I most likely wouldn't have to really talk to anybody. 

When I was leaving he asked me to go by Riverport & get some ribs & chopped beef for him to take for lunch that night.  I tried to talk him into McDonalds or Sonic because I could go through the drive-thru for either of them, but I knew that was a long shot when I mentioned it.  

He knows that I don't like going in anywhere like that, but has no idea how much I don't like it.  I can't (or won't) try to explain to him how nervous it makes me.  I don't understand why I'm suddenly like this myself...I know it's ridiculous...I just can't seem to snap out of it.  I think I'm a bit screwed up in the head to even be this way, I don't want him to think the same thing about me.  Me thinking this & somebody else thinking this about me are completely different.  I don't want him to think I may be nuts too.

So, I agreed to go by the barbecue place even though I really, really didn't want to.  Once I got in the truck & left for town, I was so worked up inside about having to go in there, I cried.  I get so nervous everytime I see somebody I know or somebody that knows me (& there is a difference - a lot of people in town know me because I'm married to David, but I don't know them).  I dread going in somewhere like that & having somebody talk to me.  I try to avoid eye contact with everybody in hopes that they think I don't see them.  I try to avoid them completely without giving the appearance that I'm ignoring them.  I don't want to talk to anybody but at the same time I don't want them to know that?  Does that make any sense at all???

So, I made my way to town.

I went to the bank first to drop off the deposit that needed to be in the bank Tuesday...yes, Tuesday!  I just kept hoping that I would get there before the checks cleared.  Even that is strange - writing a check.  I haven't wrote a check in what seems like forever...I usually pay all of my bills online because it's so much easier & simpler.  But when I sat down to pay bills the first of the week, I didn't want to go to town to drop off the deposit first & so I decided to write checks & mail them off instead...surely I would get to town in the next couple days to drop off the deposit.  Well, that going to town to drop off the deposit didn't happen until Friday.  I didn't forget, it laid here on my desk right in front of me all week, I just couldn't talk myself into going to drop it off.  I thought about going at night so that I could just drop it in the night deposit, but I couldn't ever manage to get out then either.  I got to the bank & made the deposit to find out that 5 of the payments I mailed out hit the bank that morning!  They were all paid, but having $125 worth of "Courtesy Pay Fees" wasn't exactly great.  That meant that depending on how the rest of the checks hit the bank, I would have more bank charges to cover them.  My first thought was how I hoped the smaller payments came in first & that the house payment was the last one to reach the bank...that way I would only have 1 more charge from the bank, instead of having several from the little stuff hitting afterwards & creating several.  I have automatic payments deposited into another account & that's what I use for normal everyday stuff like gas (that I pay for at the pump, of course), groceries (when I finally have no alternative but going) & other little odds & ends.  I deposit enough to cover the bills into this account & give myself about $100 padding for oversights.  Not beating the bills to the bank took all of that padding.  So, the little stuff did clear first, so I didn't have multiple charges, but there's still a negative balance from that last payment that made it to the bank.  I'll get to town in the next few days to transfer some money from the other bank.  Yeah, that sucks to know that there's enough money to cover everything but my stupid avoidance of society even hits hard here.

Oh well, on to the next stop.  

The hardware store was simpler.  In I went carefully checking out all of the hanging signs to try to make a bee-line for the right aisle.  I missed it by 2.  I was generally in the right area of the store.  I scanned the shelves for staples...wrong aisle.  As I was rounding the end of the aisle, here came a guy asking if he could help me find anything.  I really dislike sales-people, but I didn't want to come off as rude, so I told him I just needed some staples hoping that he would just tell me what aisle I needed to be on.  Wrong again!  He said to follow him and he walked to the right aisle.  Then instead of just showing me where they were, he started asking what size I needed & what kind of staple gun they were for.  I did not want to have to talk to him...I just wanted to look at what was there & decide on which ones I wanted.  I told him that I needed about 1/2 inch staples but didn't know off the top of my head what kind of staple gun it was...even though I did.  I just wanted him to leave me alone there to look.  He finally did but by then I was flustered because I had to "talk" to somebody more than just a hi, I'm fine kind of thing.  I stood there pretending to look at the staples for a few minutes while I tried to calm myself down.  I briefly scanned the shelf & grabbed the first box of 1/2 inch staples I found.  I checked out while pretending to be preoccupied looking at the key jackets there on the counter to avoid another conversation & got out of there.  Of course, when I got home I discovered that I had the wrong staples.  I could have just gone back & returned them, but returning them or exchanging them for the correct staples would have required more of a conversation, so I just took them down to David's building and stuck them in a drawer.  Maybe some day I'll get another staple gun that they will fit.  I rummaged around there in the building & did finally find a little strip of staples that would work...I'd just have to use them very sparingly since there weren't very many of them.

Then, it was on to Riverport, the most dreaded part of my little trip.

It was about 2 in the afternoon by then, so at least the lunch rush would be over & there wouldn't be many people in there.  I drove around the block about 3 or 4 times trying to find a parking place close enough where I didn't have to walk very far to get in the door.  When I have to walk very far in town, I risk somebody seeing me & coming to talk.  All the parking places close to the door were taken except for one small space between a couple cars...not big enough to get my truck in to.  I finally just gave in and parked all the way back by the Life Center.  I sat there & waited for the sidewalks to clear & then walked as fast as I could without jogging or running to get inside.  I got in there only to discover that the girl working was a sister of one of David's friends & married to a guy I went to school with.  Crap, I was going to have to talk to her.  There's no reason I didn't want to talk to her other than I just don't like talking to people anymore.  She's nice & I like her...I just didn't want to have to talk to her...I didn't want to have to talk to anybody.  I told her what I needed & she turned the order in to the back so they could get it ready.  I had hopes that she would have jyst stood there at the little window to the back & wait for them to get it done, but it didn't happen that way.  I tried to pretend like I was looking at all of the stuff they have on the walls so maybe she wouldn't try to start a conversation, but that didn't happen either.  She asked about my knee surgery...who did the surgery, how it went, how it was now.  She asked about the kids...what grades they were in, who their teachers were, how they liked it, how big they were getting.  She asked about David.  I did my best to answer everything politely but as specific as I could so I wouldn't lead the conversation into anything else.  Another girl working asked me if I wanted a dog.  I screwed up & told her no, I already had one & had just acquired another.  Stupid me...I just expanded the conversation.  She asked what kind of dogs I had & about where or how I acquired the new one.  I was absolutely relieved when the order was ready.  Back to the truck as quickly as I could.

There are days like that all the time.  That's just the most recent example I can think of.  It's more than just an inconvenience.  It affects day-to-day life.  And again, I know it's completely unreasonable...I just can't seem to get my brain to convince my actions how ridiculous it is.  

If you call me & I actually answer the call, you can consider yourself a part of the elite few.  Most of the time I leave my phone on vibrate so that when it rings nobody else knows & I can easily avoid the call without explaining to anybody that happens to be with me why I didn't answer.  My voicemails are automatically converted to text messages & unless I get a message I will very rarely get back with anybody.  If I do get a message with a question, I will usually text a reply.  But calling back doesn't usually happen because "talking" on the phone leads to conversation & I avoid conversations.  

There are a couple of exceptions where I'll answer the call, but not many.  I usually answer if it's from my house (okay, sometimes) & I'll usually answer if it's a geo-call from somebody that I have a number stored from (if I know who it is) because I know that those calls are most likely somebody wanting help finding a cache I've hidden or that they know I've found before.  Those are pretty straight forward & direct calls...not a lot of beating around the bush or rambling on about who knows what.

I forwarded my mail from my PO Box here to the house because I wouldn't go to check the box more than once a month or so.  I call the pharmacy for Cody's prescription refills at night so I know it will go straight to the sutomated refill system...the prescriptions are mailed here to the house.  When Camie goes to dance, I take her in & then wait in the truck until she gets out so I don't have to sit in there with the other moms & possibly risk a conversation with somebody.  It's just little everyday things, but the People part of them freaks me out now for some reason.

Geocaching is about the only thing I do that I do on my own.  I don't mind going out for that because I am in complete control of where i go & what I do.  I don't have to depend on anybody but myself & my GPS.  I have realized that I usually only go after the caches that are out in BFE though.  I avoid going after anything where people could be around.  My rule of thumb seems to be that if I can see people, I don't even try to find it.  I took the kids out Saturday to work on a series near Carthage.  There were about 50 caches in a rural area...all pretty much on backroads.  I started out with the hope that the road would be like the roads I pick for series caches...near deserted with very little traffic.  The roads we wound up on were buzzing with traffic.  There were several caches that I started looking for but stopped because I could hear a vehicle coming down the road.  The ones I found were all pretty easy & the ones I abandoned would have most likely been pretty easy ones too, but I just couldn't stand to think that somebody might stop.  

This recent thing concerning my extreme avoidance of people just adds to the stress-level from everything else going on.  Cody seems to be getting more extreme & new issues seem to be coming up.  He's been in 2 "near-fights" at school in the past few weeks.  His grades are still great, but his temper seems to be getting shorter & more volatile.  He's acquired a new habit of spitting, not just outside or into something...just out of the blue, no matter where he happens to be.  I'm trying to battle my "packrat-itis" & have stuff stacked up to the ceiling in the foyer.  I've been meaning to have a garage sale, but just can't seem to do it - I know that means people.  It seems like everything I've been trying to fix is falling down all around me.  Somehow I have to figure out how to fix something for somebody & I'm not sure if I can find a way to do it that's not going to be a pain in the hoo-ha for everybody involved.  I have a couple friends that are in some pretty rough spots in their lives that call on me to listen & help them out & it's getting harder & harder for me to be able to be there for them because of my own problems.  I know they would listen to me as well, but I just can't ask them to do that.  I don't mind listening to somebody else so they can get their thoughts out, but can't seem to talk to them about my own troubles so that I can "get it out" as well.

Surely this won't last forever.  I figure I'll either somehow "get over it" or just finally go completely crazy.  ...wonder which way it'll go?

Social Studies Church & a Shrunken Car?

I am usually a very hard sleeper & do not usually remember my dreams. Tonight, however, was an exception.

I left Cosmo in the house last night. (For y'all that don't know...he's our 120+ pound good-for-nothing-much dog...but we love him!) He came to the bedroom door around 3 AM & made his little (like anything from him would sound little...but anyways...) little sounding grunt noise because he wanted outside. Amazingly, he woke me up. I'm not sure if he woke me up or if I had already been awake from the wacked out dream, but nevertheless, I got up out of bed & let him out.

Talk about messed up dreams...I'm not sure what to make of it...it had 3 semi-related/tied together parts...but thinking about the parts, it doesn't make any sense b/c the way I remember it, the parts were all out of order. Either that or, I have forgot a part, but I don't think so...

1st:
I was at a church I used to go to about 8 years ago. (But the reason I was there seems to have been b/c earlier I was at the 2nd part & stopped here on the way home b/c I wouldn't have time to make it to the church at home...that's why it seems so out of order...) A girl got up and started talking & even though I don't remember what she was saying I know it wasn't anything I would have expected to hear in church...it wasn't the usual singing before the sermon...she was trying to get me (and whoever else there) to join a nursing-type organization. I knew her but don't know who she was...I can't place her. She had 80's style hair...sorta crimped looking with about half pulled back into a barrette & big poofy bangs. When she finished talking I figured the sermon would be next but I was wrong again. Somebody turned on an overhead projector & then I realized we were all sitting in desks rather than pews. There were social studies themed transparencies & we were supposed to be taking some sort of test. Then I remember talking to a girl I knew in high school after the "service" & she told me it got like this after the older church members left & most of the members were nurses???

2nd:
I was at my old elementary school sitting on the desk of my 1st grade teacher but she was in the wrong room...she was in the 4th grade hall. There were a few other people there as well, but I don't remember who they were & I don't ever remember "seeing" her. I was there to tell her about the 1st part (but again...I was at the 2nd part b/c I was here 1st???).

3rd:
When I was leaving from the 2nd part (& I guess on my way to the 1st), I couldn't find my car. I don't know why, but I was driving the gray car from about 5 years ago. Somehow I had the clicker button & since I couldn't find it I was pushing the panic button so I'd hear it & be able to find it. I pushed it once...heard where it was right close to where I was...quickly turned it off...but when I got there I didn't see it. I pushed it again. There were a bunch of people sleeping next to a wall. They told me they didn't know it was my car and that they had been sleepoing on it. On it? When they all moved & left I saw it...it was shrunken! It looked like a little turtle shell. The girl that had been at "church" with me was there & half-way believed me but wasn't sure. The top & bottom of the car weren't attached...they just sorta clicked together, so I opened to top from the bottom of the car and shook the contents out. All of my now-miniature stuff was there. She believed me then. There was some sort of meeting in the gym. Lots of little kids. For some reason, I went there to figure out what had happened & it was a secretive kind of thing. I finally got somebody to talk to & he said he'd get them to fix it...



That's about when the dog woke me up...

I don't know what any of it means or if it should mean anything...I'm just still a bit bumfuzzled. Figured I'd write it down before I forgot it though.

I quit...

I quit...

That's not really something I like to say. I usually go out of my way to avoid saying that. But in this case, I believe it's for the best...MySpace!

When I first created my MySpace, it was because I was trying to find somebody. I succeeded & found him & for that I am thankful. But...I'm tired of that place always doing nothing much more than bringing me down. It always seems to make everything seem worse than it really is.

I am NOT a negative person. I have always managed to find the good in almost every situation. And that being said, MySpace is easy to work with & it has re-connected me with a few people from my past. However, I usually get on there when I'm bored or aggravated to start with & things just seem to go downhill from there.

Drama seems to run rampant. It has, in a couple instances, even led to a few major "differences in opinion" where I have ceased all communication with people as well. Off the top of my head, 2 come to mind. One was resolved & the other I see no chance of ever being friends again...at least not to a pre-MySpace relationship. I don't need that. I definitely don't need anything that adds drama to my life. Between myself & my friends in "real life" I have plenty.

So, I'm proud to say I'm a quitter. I'm going to start "cleaning" everything up. There for starters, and here as well. For those of you that actually pay attention, you'll most likely see things disappear. I'm tired of feeling like I'm stuck in a downward spiral & I feel like I've been that way for quite a while now. It's time to let all of the past go & it's time to start making the best of what's here now.

When in doubt, do it upside down!

There are some things that I do differently just because I can or just because nobody tells me I can’t do it that way…like having the registration sticker on my truck windshield upside down. The instructions specify where on the windshield you are supposed to place the sticker, however it does not specify that it has to be right-side-up. Therefore because I can & because the instructions didn’t say I couldn’t…I put it on there upside down and by just glancing at it, you see 60 90 rather than 06 09. I think it’s funny. I’m just not real sure if I want to know if it’ll be viewed the same way if I ever get stopped and the officer has to do a head-stand in order to make out what it shows. Nevertheless, it’s a risk I chose to take. I thought about applying the same concept to my license plate as well, but after further consideration, I opted against it because it would be too difficult to make out what it says (SPKRLE), and yes, I know that the R should come before the K, but amazingly enough, that one was already taken.

I couldn’t help but laugh as I sat in my truck and looked at the glass front of the store this morning. I even wondered briefly (very briefly) if I had been working there recently. Taped up on the glass at the front of the store were a few posters. A couple were advertising the upcoming Marion County Fair, one was advertising their current promotion at the store & the last one…well I don’t even remember what it was because the 3rd one just tickled my funny bone. It was upside down!

I’m just guessing but I don’t think it was supposed to be upside down. Surely they didn’t hang it that way just for my enjoyment. Yeah, I realize that I notice little off the wall things sometimes that most people wouldn’t pay any attention to like what hand the waitress at the restaurant writes with, among others, but this is a big poster hung up on the front window of the only grocery store in town. There are at the least 4 or 5 parking spaces directly in front of the poster.

Maybe it is that was on purpose. Maybe they want to see how many people notice it? Maybe they think it will work better if it’s like that? But I think if that were the case that they should have been a little more consistent. They should have hung all of the gigantic hanging posters in the store upside down as well. I thought about mentioning it inside, but then I just figured it might be interesting to see how long it stays that way.

Maybe it came with instructions of “where” to hang, but not “how” – in that case, I most likely would have hung it upside down as well. Because…when in doubt, do it upside down!

Folding the laundry...

How to fold towels, washcloths, dishtowels, etc…

The seams should ALWAYS be folded to the inside.
The folds should ALWAYS be made straight and smooth.
The edges should ALWAYS be made to line up straight with the opposite side.

(If there is a loosely sewn tag, pull it off with one quick, short, and firm yank. If the tag is securely sewn, leave the tag in place because pulling it will result in the tag being stretched or the threads of the seam being ripped. If there is a tag that is securely sewn to the seam of the towel, that tag should be laid flat on the inside of the folded towel, NOT sticking out.)

For towels and other similar items, the first fold should be made lengthwise. For washcloths or similar square items, the first fold should be made with the label edge. If no label is attached, fold so that any pattern is not divided if at all possible. The second fold should fold the unfolded edge together. For washcloths or other square items, you should now be done. For regular size towels or dishtowels, fold the unfolded edge corners to meet the open edge of the folded edge. For large towels or beach towels, fold in thirds lengthwise starting with the unfolded end.

Now, after they’re folded, they should be stacked neatly…right?

If you stack them all in the same direction, one side of the stack will be higher…the stack will be lopsided because the folded edge is thicker than the “edges” side. With each newly folded item rotate the edge ¼ turn. This will ensure that the stacked items are fairly level.

Then, of course, there comes the putting away part of the chore.

These should NOT just be set on top of the other items that are already in the final destination. Doing so will make some of your towels more faded and worn than others. When you put away the newly folded items, they should be placed at the bottom of the stack or at the back of the rotation.



How to fold jeans, pants & shorts…

Grasp firmly by the waist with a thumb inside each side, like you were holding them up against your body – front out, back against your own waist. Straighten by a determined popping type of shake to the jeans. Still holding in the same position, use your hands to reach into & straighten the front pockets. Leave the zipper, buttons, etc unfastened.

Fold in half with the front folded inside. For jeans, Fold in thirds lengthwise starting with the bottom edge folded inside first. Fold the top down onto the lower edge. The label side of the back should be facing out when fully folded, allowing for easy identification.

Stack in alternating directions in order to maintain a fairly level stack. If all are placed in the same orientation, the folded (thicker) side will make the stacked jeans uneven.



How to fold shirts…

Fold them UPSIDE DOWN.

Grasp the shirt upside down with a thumb inside each side. Straighten the shirt so that front and back are wrinkle-free (the side seams will NOT always line up where you think they should line up).

For a button front shirt…with the shirt UNBUTTONED, do pretty much the same thing but just worry about straightening the back of the shirt now.

Fold the sides (where you are holding them) back against themselves (the front of the shirt facing out).

For a button front shirt…hold the sides & folded edge while you bring the loose front pieces to the folded edge.

Hold the shirt by the sides and the folded edge. At the back of the neck, pull to straighten the folded edge.

Change the grasp to hold the bottom of the side edge and the top of the shoulder. Move in about an inch and fold the sleeve side in on top of the rest of the shirt. For long sleeves, then fold the remainder of the sleeve onto the body of the shirt. Either fold the shirt in thirds starting with the hem edge, or fold in half…sleeve side in of course.

Stack folded shirts in an alternating fashion as well in order to keep a fairly level stack.

...don’t try to be a friend if you don’t plan on the follow through.

I was just thinking in general this morning about people. I'm tired of people that are nice for a while & seem to act like they are a friend...only to turn around later and either blow you off or stab you in the back when you're not watching. Wasn't thinking of any one person in particular.

I'm tired of so-called friends that only seem to be that way when they "need" something from me. I'm tired of people that are "friends" until a better offer comes along where they decide to betray any trusts that were ever shared.

People wonder why I am so hard to get to know. People wonder why I tend to "guard" myself & the "real me" - when you get burned so many times, you learn that it's safer to be that way.

Mike, Marcus & Jason (yeah, I'm finally okay saying their names) did things that can not be forgiven. They hurt me & they severly inhibited my ability to trust people, as well as their intentions. But the damage done by other people who claimed to be my friends futher intensified this problem for me.

I am tired of this. I am tired of always wondering what the motive is when somebody seems to want to befriend me. I want to be able to have friends that I trust. I want to be able to have friends that are always my friends. I want to have friends that will be there for me no matter what. I want to have friends that are my friends even when somebody else comes along that wants them to betray the trust between friends. I'm tired of being defensive & I'm tired of not feeling "safe" around those that should make me feel the safest.

Pray for the Fighting Man, Cody Jinks

The war & more

Yeah, sometimes I "think" more than I should. Most of the time I just do it & continue on without letting anybody else know...never really wanted to be known as much of a thinker (lol).

I don't send a lot of e-mail & rarely forward things I get. But I do try to read through everything I get.

Karen: Thanks so much for the stuff you send my way. The one I opened up tonight really hit home for me. I have a handful of friends that have been to Iraq and that are there now.

They are over there risking their lives every day. They don't have what we have here. They are away from their friends and family. What we have, we take for granted and never even really think about how lucky we are.

I am proud of where I live and I am proud that there are brave people like them that are willing to put their lives on the line for that. It can't be easy and they are out there on a daily basis trying to make sure that we can keep what we have and trying to give that to others as well.

The things that are seen and done in war are not nice and pretty. We as a country should be there for our troops supporting them every step of the way. We should try going out of our way every now and then as well to make sure that they know they are appreciated.

Regardless of what you think about the war and regardless of whether you think we should or should not have gone into this thing, we are in it. The brave men and women that are over there deserve to be supported and appreciated. They deserve to feel like their country is there for them.

I don't know what my point is with this. But reading through the e-mail I got tonight made me miss my friends that are there and appreciate even more my friends that have been there.

Right - Wrong - Left - Right - Up - Down - - - It really doesn't matter.

These are the people that have the guts to stand up for our country. We live the way we live because they are there to protect it.

Why is it MY fault?

To say that the past few weeks have been hard is an understatement. My life has been changed by the things that have happened & every day it seems that I discover yet another thing to add to that list of changes.

However, being the way I am, I almost always blow off the bad & find the good. I'm not usually one to dwell on anything negative & don't usually let words from others bog me down for too long. I almost always try to do what is right. I'm not saying I always do everything perfectly (you're right, I won't admit to that very often either), but I try to do my best.

Last week, somebody said something that really got under my skin & I haven't been able to completely let it go. I don't like being made out to be the bad guy, especially when I try so hard to not be.

When something bothers me, the easiest way for me to release the stress is to write. When I write like this, posted out in the open, I usually try to do so without calling anybody out - I try to make it anonymous. I can't really figure out how to do that this time. So if I tick anybody off by doing this, so be it. It made me mad when it was said & I didn't say a damn word about it to her b/c I did not want to cause a scene. It wasn't the time or place to do so.

Tim & I divorced about 7 years ago. Since then, he has had very little to do with Cody. The short time period when he did have anything to do with him resulted in a disaster. I do blame a lot of Cody's problems now on whatever it was that happened way back then. The major development for social skills in children is between the ages of 2 & 4...which correlates almost exactly to that same short period.

Cody went to almost a years worth of counseling after one incident that happened. He never would talk about what happened & every time the counselor would try to ease him into talking about what happened over there, Cody would either clam up & not say anything or he would completely ignore the question & change the subject. She was convinced enough that something was not right that she reccommended that any visitation be supervised. At a court hearing to modify the visitation orders to reflect this reccommendation, Tim did not even bother to show up. Instead, he just sent a response to the court basically agreeing to anything as long as there wasn't any money involved on his part. I think that this even shocked the judge a bit. He modified the visitation so that there is now NO court ordered visitation. It is now set up where that the only visitation allowed is at my discretion. This was done before Cody even started school. He started 4th grade this year & Tim has not even once tried to see him.

Cody wasn't even 3 when I married David. He acquired a step-brother & a step-sister. About a year and a half later, Camie was born. Everybody had the last name Tolleson. Nobody pushed anything on Cody. On his own he "decided" that he was a Tolleson as well & would tell anybody that his name was Cody Alan Taylor Tolleson. I didn't correct him b/c as far as Cody was concerned, David "was" his dad...Tim sure as hell didn't make any attempt to be there.

When Cody started school, he didn't understand why they told him that his name wasn't Tolleson. It was all he knew. At 5 or 6 years old, I wasn't going to try to explain to him. He wasn't old enough to make logical sense out of it. So much time had passed since Tim had even tried to have anything to do with him that he wasn't any kind of part of Cody's life. I did a little research & worked up a petition for the court to have Cody's name changed to what he thought it was: Cody Alan Taylor Tolleson. When I called to ask Tim if he would sign the petition for a court order & a waiver of citation so he wouldn't have to be served by the Sherrif's office, his response was basically a "whatever" thing. I took the papers to him, he signed them & that was that. I really couldn't believe how he didn't seem to care at all.

After the house burned, we lived in Bear Creek for about a year before the house was rebuilt. We were at the most a mile or so from Tim's house. He passed by on the road in front of the house more times than I could count. I never even saw him slow down or look even if Cody was outside playing. How can a parent not care enough about their child to even wonder what he looks like? How can a parent drive by so many times & never even try to stop to see their own child?

A couple years ago, I decided to try to "make" the Taylor family have something to do with Cody. I took him over to Tim's dad's house several times. I tried to explain to them why things were the way they were. I told them how it bothered me that Tim didn't seem to care one way or another about Cody. I told them that it was not an intention of mine to "keep" Cody from anybody. I explained to them why I had Cody's name legally changed. I took Cody to see his Paw-Paw occasionally. We even went over there for Christmas a few years ago. I thought I had shown everybody that Cody was still a part of that family as well.

When the house was rebuilt & we moved back to Jefferson, nobody tried to keep that relationship going. I did not think & still don't think that it was up to me to "make" the Taylor family include Cody. I did my best to show that I was fine with the idea of them having him as a part of the family. Even after moving back to Jefferson, Cody would still see Paw-Paw every now & then. It just wasn't as simple for me to drop by when we were not right down the road anymore. But on the few occasiona that we did get out that way, I still tried. It doesn't seem to me that the "try" worked both ways though - it was more like it was all up to me when it came to keeping him as a part of that family. That made it hard on me b/c I wasn't a part of it anymore. I felt out-of-place.

I'm not saying that I couldn't of taken him over there more. I could have. But why was it up to me? Why didn't the Taylor family try to have something to do with him without me feeling like I was forcing him into a family that didn't seem to try to include him on their own?

True, I am not going to try to "make" Tim or anybody else have a relationship with Cody. It shouldn't be up to me to make the Taylor family want to include him. I just can't imagine not trying to be with my child - I can't imagine how a parent could ignore that they even have a child & that is what has happened.

So much time has passed that there is no way I would "make" Cody go with Tim. But I have told Tim numerous times that if he wants to see Cody all he has to do is let me know. I have told him that he is more than welcome to stop by & spend time with Cody. If Cody wants to go somewhere with him, that's fine too. But Cody doesn't even know him. And that is NOT MY FAULT.

A month & half or so ago (I don't know when exactly), I got a message from Patty, Tim's mom, that Jennifer, Tim's sister, wanted to see about getting Cody to see Paw-Paw. I told her that would be fine. I never heard another thing about it. Nobody told me that anything was wrong.

When Patty called me last weekend & told me that RC had died, I was crushed. I felt horrible that I hadn't taken Cody over there more & it was then that I realized why there was that attempt to get Cody over there. I wondered why Jennifer had never followed up after I told Patty that it would be okay.

I felt even worse about it when Jennifer told me that he had been asking to see Cody. I asked her why she hadn't called me. The response was that she (& Patty) didn't have my number.

This is where the things were said that I got so upset about. Jennifer basically told me that it was my fault. If they didn't have my number, how did Patty call me last weekend to tell me what had happened? I've had the same cell phone number for years. If she had no way of knowing how to get in touch with me, how is she in my Friends List here on MySpace....does she not realize that even if she had no way of getting my cell that she could have sent me a message at any time?

How the hell is it my fault???

After Jennifer said this to me, I was HURT. I just got up & walked away. As soon as I turned & started walking away, there were tears running down my face. There are tears in my eyes right now.

I walked around to the front of the house & just sat there on the porch & cried. I couldn't believe that even though I had tried to do what I thought was right, that Cody not being there more was being blamed on me! I talked to a few other Taylor people that came to ask me what was wrong & I told them what was said. I truely believe that they were as upset about it as I was. They seemed to understand what I was trying to say & they seemed to truely believe me when I told them that I felt bad about not being there & they understood why I wasn't there too. They told me not to worry about it b/c they knew me & knew that if I had known about what was going on that I would have done anything I could have done. That meant a lot to me, but I still felt bad that Jennifer had said the things she said.

When I was leaving, I got flagged down by another Taylor that had found out what had been said. He also told me not to worry about it & that he knew I always tried to do what was right & that for that he has always & continues to have a great respect for me b/c of it.

The few people that knew what was said out there that day had nothing but good things to say to me. I really appreciated that & it meant more to me than I could ever explain to them.

But nothing they could say to me changed the hurt that Jennifer did by saying what she said. I don't understand how it is my fault that Cody wasn't there. I don't understand why it is so much up to me to "make" him a part of that family that doesn't seem to try on their own to include him. I don't understand why nobody tried to let me know what was going on & then thinks it's okay to balme me.

I was trying to be sincere when I apologized for not having Cody there to see Paw-Paw. I really didn't know anything was wrong. In return I got cut down & bad-mouthed right there on the spot.

When I was there last weekend, I left my cell number & asked when the funeral would be. It wasn't known yet but they told me they'd let me know. Cody had told me that he wanted to go to the funeral. Nobody called. I figured out when I was there that day that the funeral had been earlier that day.

Jennifer, I hope your intentions were to make me feel like crap b/c you succeeded. But at the same time, it WAS NOT MY FAULT. If you want to blame somebody for Cody not being there, talk to your brother & ask him why he didn't do anything - ask him why (or even how) he has basically ignored the fact that Cody is his son - ask him if he even remembers how old he is or what grade he's in (I told him last weekend) - but you need to know & understand that I am not to blame.

It is not my intention to tick anybody off, but if it happens it happens. I just want it to be known that I have done the best I could. I want it to be known that I did NOT intentionally keep Cody away from anybody. I tried to "make" him a part of that family, but it is not my place to "make" that family want him to be a part of it.

You can get mad at me for this. You can bad-mouth me even more for this. You can do whatever you want to with this. I believe that you owe me an apology but you most likely won't see it that way. You can think whatever you want of me but if the Taylor family ever decides that they do want to include Cody as a part of it, don't hold any grudges against him. He is just a kid that has had a hard time.

Everything I've said still stands. I won't make Cody go or do anything. I'm done trying to "make" him a part of the Taylor family, but I will not prevent the Taylor family from trying to include him. If somebody wants to include him, I will leave the decision up to him.

About a year or so ago, I sat Cody down & told him that Tim was his biological father. He was old enough that I thought he could understand all of it. I have never bad-mouthed anybody from the Taylor family to him. It's not right for me to do that. If he is ever included as a part of that family, I would expect the same respect.

The bulletin survey that was so hard on me.

If you were given an extra $10 in change at Wal-Mart, what would you do with it & why?
Be pretty confused b/c I usually use my debit card & don't get cash back. However, if for some strange reason, I rec'd an extra $10 in change, I'd most likely stand there & look confused as well wondering why I had too much money…then I'd wind up explaining to the "not-so-bright" cashier how to count money backwards & match it up with the amount the register shows to hand back to the customer.



What's the biggest lesson you've learned from your past relationships?
That I should be more choosy.



What's one of your worst habits?
The one that bothers me the most is the habit I have of allowing other people to determine how I feel & what I want. I tend to base what I "want" on what others want. I hate that.



Choose a unique item from your wallet & explain why you carry it around.


I don't even know what I have in my wallet…most likely stuff that's been there for the past 5 years or so. I carry it around because it's there I guess.



If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be & why?
I would be a little smaller again. I don't like being bigger than I used to be.



If you were given a million dollars & 24 hours to spend it in (no depositing or investing), what would you do with it?
First off, I'd be bill free. I'd try to find a land with a house; pretty much anything the kids want; new truck; new car; maybe I'd buy an (established) grocery store to take care of the grocery part of the rest of my life…I really don't know, but if anybody is really interested, give me that million & 24 hours & I'll see what damage I could do.



What do you value most in life?
It seems that the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have neglected those things that I value the most.


I value happiness. I value family. I value my ability to be. I value doing the right thing compared to the easy thing. I value friendship. I value each & every day as a chance to make things better.



What is your greatest regret?
Neglecting those very things I value the most & realizing that by doing so I don't make anything better.



What do you see as your greatest achievement?
I see future great achievements in my kids. That is what I want my greatest achievement to be & right now it is all a work in progress.



How do you deal with someone you don't like?
The same way I would want them to deal with me. Just because I don't like somebody does not give me the right to treat them badly. Just because somebody doesn't like me does not give them the right to treat me badly either. Everybody deserves to be treated fairly. Regardless of whether I like somebody or not, I try to treat them the same way I would want them to treat me.

(Do unto others…)

What do you feel you are entitled to in life?
…a fair chance. Nobody is "entitled" to more than anybody else. (Not saying it works that way, but it should.) You are entitled to what you earn.



How do you personally define right & wrong?
I always try to look at things from the other direction. If I was at the other end of any particular action, what would I think was right; what would I want; what would I feel? My view of right is what is best for everybody involved. If I wouldn't want something done to me, somebody else most likely doesn't want it done to them either.



Your dream vacation?
I'm an adrenaline junkie…I want an adventure of some sort! Yeah, pretty & relaxing is nice, but I want to have fun. I want to go do something that I will remember…(climb a mountain, go parasailing, skydiving, bungee jumping, whitewater rafting, drive a racecar, ride a roller coaster, ski trip, backpacking, cattle drive (lol), dog sledding across Alaska, llama trekking, hot air ballooning, rock climbing, etc.

) Sure, I want some time to just sit back & relax, but I want there to be a reason to relax!

Worst injury you've ever had?
I've never been seriously injured. I guess you could say a knee injury since I did just have knee surgery, but it wasn't a "serious" injury…it wasn't going to kill me.



What do you want to know about the future?
I'd like to say that I want to know how everything works out & ends up…but at the same time, I think knowing would change it. If I knew what the future held, most likely my decisions would be different b/c of knowing…then the future wouldn't be the way it was going to be before I knew.

Yeah, does that make sense?

What are you listening to right now? Out loud or in your mind?
Move Along by the All-American Rejects & it is actually playing outloud.



Do you collect anything? What?
You want to take a wild guess? Eggs (lol). Nice, pretty, girly & even sometimes dainty eggs…some are glass or porcelain, some are metal. They're the only "frilly" things in the entire house.



Do you like hot sauce?
Sometimes…mainly in salsa form with chips.



What is your heritage?
German, Scottish-Irish, Indian

What do you have in your pockets?
Just my cell phone today…usually have my debit card & drivers license in my back pocket if I go anywhere though.



Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits or other defining characteristics?
They're only that way to other people…to me they're perfectly normal!
I have very particular ways of doing things: certain way & pattern to walking my ½ mile "track every day, certain way of mowing the grass (direction & pattern), certain way of folding & stacking clothes, there are tons of little things that other people find odd…

What is your earliest memory?
Not exactly a good one.



As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A smurf (lol), seriously.



What are some influences from your past that have led you to do the things you do today?
The ones that have influenced me the most are the bad ones. I still think about them and try to learn from them.



What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?
Becoming a mom.



What is your greatest regret?
Not standing up for myself more; taking the easy road rather than the right one.



In your opinion, what is the most evil thing a person could do?
Living a lie…not being true to oneself or those you care about.





Here's where I stopped
.............................................................................................................................


If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be & why?
The past is why I am who I am today. I think that by changing even 1 little thing, that everything else would have changed from that point forward. There are some things in my life that are absolutely wonderful & that I wouldn't trade or want to change for the world & for that reason I have to say that I don't want to change anything, even the bad, from my past.



Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?
Optimistic - almost to a fault!


What is your greatest fear?
Fear itself. I hate fear & how it makes me feel & what it does to me. I really can't think of anything I'm afraid of other than that. I'm an idiot most of the time & do really stupid stuff for fun (ha ha). But I really have a problem with being afraid or scared. This usually comes in the form of fear to hurt somebody's feelings or let somebody down.



What do you believe makes a successful life?
Being happy with yourself & the choices you make.



How honest are you about your thoughts & feelings?
I keep my thoughts & feelings to myself for the most part. I don't like people to know what I think; I don't like people to know how I feel. It makes me too vulnerable & I don't like that. However, I don't like keeping it all to myself either. It's not fair to me or those that are close to me.



Who or what, if anything, would you go to extremes for?
my kids - no questions asked


In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping the at a distance, etc)? How close are you to your family?
I tend to keep everybody at a distance in some way or another. I've really been trying to work on that though. I treat people the way I would want them to treat me. Like the previous question about treating those you dislike...I treat everybody, regardless of what I think about them, as fairly and as nicely as I can. I do usually come off pretty rough around the edges & sarcastic but I try not to do so in a hurtful way.



Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?
I really don't know. Most likely my mom. But I rarely turn to anybody for help, even when I should.



Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who & why/why not?
no. I am a trusting person to an extent, but at the same time, as far as "me" is concerned, I don't think there is anybody I trust in a "with my life" situation...I think I was burned too many times & just have an extremely hard time letting anybody "in" that close to trust them that much.



Do you care what others think of you?
In certain circumstances, yes. But for the most part, no. I am me. I do the things I want to do. I dress the way I want to dress. If somebody doesn't like that, it's not my problem. I am mostly a take me as I am kind of person. There are instances when I've bent on that a little bit, but it's not "me" to hide who I am for somebody else's pleasure.



What makes you laugh?
I make myself laugh all the time. It sure as hell beats making myself cry! I love sarcasm & laugh b/c of that a lot. My kids make me laugh a lot...especially Camie. You wouldn't believe some of the things that come out of her mouth.



How do you deal with stress?
I ignore it. Definitely not the best thing to do with it. Sometimes if I get really stressed, I walk it off; sometimes I clean like a crazy lady; sometimes I write.



Are you spontaneous or do you always need to have a plan?
I rarely have a plan. I have a hard time sticking to plans (ADD-itis). I usually want to have a plan, but it seems like every time I try it doesn't work b/c if I take the time to try to plan something, it HAS to be perfect & until it's perfect, it's not right. I'll wind up spending more time planning than any logical person would see necessary & then something usually happens that screws the plan up...so spontaneous is good.



Describe a routine, normal day for you.

wake up...get the kids fed & make sure they're dressed in "daytime clothes"...wash & fold a load or 2 of clothes...unload & reload the dishwasher...sit down here for a while...wash & fold another load of laundry...empty the dishwasher...fix the kiddos some lunch...do some sit-ups & push-ups...clean up from the kids having a food fight...part 1 of my daily walks...check the mail...get back on here for a while...2nd set of sit-ups & push-ups...start something for supper...finish up any laundry stragglers...finish supper...get back on here for a while...clean up the kitchen after the kids eat...get the left-overs half-way put up so when David gets home & eats, I can move them to the fridge...get the kids in for their baths & ready for bed...get back on here for a while...re-clean the kitchen after David goes through it...put left-overs away...get the kids in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...back on here for a while...put the kids back in bed...finally crash myself.



What is your greatest strength?
I truly care about other peoples feelings.



What is your greatest weakness?
I truly care about other peoples feelings & let that compromise my own feelings a lot of times.



If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be better about caring for my own wants & needs.



Do you like yourself?
sometimes


What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?
I want to be happy & I want my kids to be happy.



Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
a mental health facility (ha ha - come on, I've got to at least have 1 sarcastic answer in all of these somewhere!)


What is the one thing you would most like to be remembered after your death?
That I always made the best out of life & that I was the best mother possible to my kids.



What 3 words best describe your personality?
hard-headed, stubborn, sarcastic


What 3 words would others use to describe you?
hard-headed, stubborn, sarcastic


What have you found to be the best way to relieve tension?
Sit down & just write whatever pops in my head.



Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
Sky Diving! Doing it in April!


What is your biggest regret?
Not being more honest with myself & others about how I really feel & what I really want.



What do you like best about your life?
That I have 2 amazing kiddos.



What do you like least about your life?
That I don't always do what I think "I" need to do & more often than not focus on what other people want me to do.



What is the dumbest thing you've ever done?
Think that I can make things change & hold on waiting for that to happen. Maybe not the dumbest, but I see that as my biggest flop. "I" can't carry the world around on my shoulders & I try to hard to do so.



What is your favorite way to relax?
Drive


What is your favorite thing to do alone?
Drive - I don't have to know where I'm going, just going is an amazing time to think to yourself.



Are you a good parent? Why/why not?
I try to be the best parent I can be, but I know I have definitely had my share of bad-parent moments. I don't deny that. But the main thing is to learn & improve. I wasn't born a parent. The best I can do is to learn as I go.



What is the weirdest thing about you?
"I" am weird. I do strange things in strange ways. That's just me.



Glass half full vs glass half full?
Half Full


Three places you would love to visit?
Germany, Scotland, Australia


Super powers you wish you had?
I "have" super powers - I am Sparkle Dirt! (okay, another sarcastic one.)

God’s Wings

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings...

After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.

The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies.

When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge" (Psalm 91:4)

Being loved this much should make a difference in your life.

Remember the One who loves you and then, be different because of it.

What does the Bible mean?

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It means 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

The Plan of the Master Weaver

Our lives are but fine weavings
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
And fashioned in his care.
We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the Master's hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide . . .

Sometimes a strand of sorrow
Is added to His plan,
And though it's difficult for us,
We still must understand
That it's He who fills the shuttle,
It's He who knows what's best,
So we must weave in patience
And leave to Him the rest . . .

Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why -
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Attitude is everything.

Julie posted this earlier today on her MySpace blog. I've read it several times since. I am re-posting it here b/c maybe it will help a few people "see" why I always try to make the best of things.

Read it, read it again & really think about it. My choice is to be happy. My choice is to somehow find something good in everything that seems so bad.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.' Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?' I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live..'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.

He continued, '...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'. Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

The 3 wise monkeys

The Three Wise Monkeys have names:

Mizaru (See no evil)
Mikazaru (Hear no evil)
Mazaru (Speak no evil).

...some story writing time (2)

The bell rang and she was off to the parking lot to find her ride. She looked around & spotted the truck but not her cousin. Instead she found her cousin's boyfriend & his older brother. They explained that they were the replacement drivers because her cousin had been sidetracked with getting things ready for the party & asked them to help out. She loaded up & they were all on their way.

They all made small talk & the ride was enjoyable. The older brother seemed nice enough; this was the first time she had met him. They all laughed about how things were planned out in order for her to be gone all weekend. As far as her parents knew, she was staying with a friend from school like many other weekends before. The fact that she would be about an hour away from there was something that they would have never agreed to.

The trio made it to their destination unscathed. But that was about where the "going as planned" part ended. They had made a couple stops on the way to stock up on the party essentials such as alcohol & ice. As they unloaded the truck, she was greeted by a not-so-happy boyfriend. For the past couple weeks they had been an "item" & for the past several hours, he had been cramming for the party. She smelled the beer on his breath. He demanded to know where they had been & why it had taken them so long to get there.

A little jealousy wasn't unusual from him & she blew it off fairly quickly. After all, how mad could he really be? It was his best friend driving & his best friend's brother along for the ride. Surely he didn't think that they'd make a move on "his" girl. Since his best-friend was dating her cousin & this was his birthday party, he definitely had no reason to move in on her. Since she had never even met the older brother, it wouldn't have made a lot of sense to worry there either.

Darkness fell & the bonfires were lit. The music blasted from the back of the house & everybody was having a good time. In spite of the fires blazing, the September darkness brought a chill along with it as well. He was still acting a little strange & told her that if she was cold, he'd be more than happy to keep her warm. Taking this more as a joke than anything else, she went back to the truck she had came in to get her jacket.

The older brother of her cousin's boyfriend followed her out in hopes of checking on her & how things were going with the jealous boyfriend. She told him that things were fine & that he wasn't upset anymore. She explained it all away as just missing her. She took her things from the truck & carried them inside. After searching through, she realized that there was no jacket. The older brother grabbed an extra out of his truck which she graciously borrowed. He told her to watch out & be careful with her boyfriend. He had been around earlier & heard some plans being made that she had no awareness of. She told him that he was just blowing it out of proportion & that everything would be fine. She didn't think anymore about it.

When she returned wearing somebody else's jacket, her boyfriend threw a fit. After slamming her up against the truck he was standing beside, he quickly let her go & began to apologize. She was shaken a bit but "knew" that it was just the beer talking. He told her that he wanted her to go with him to the pool house b/c he wanted to help him pick out some new music to turn on. The speakers were pulled around the sides of the house, but the stereo was stationed in the pool house.

He seemed to be a little more logical & she began to feel a little more at ease. Then out of nowhere, all hell broke loose.

He did change the music, in more ways than one. Before going back to the party, he again began to apologize for the jealous behavior. He picked her up and sat her on the poolside table. He started out by explaining that his jealousy was not meant to scare her

Teenage boys always seem to be filled with an endless supply of bullshit & he was not unlike the rest of them in that manner. He told her that he didn't want to share her with anybody else, that he wanted to have her all to himself. He moved in closer to her as he spoke.

The tone of the apology didn't remain as such for long. He told her how that night was "their night" & how nobody was going to take that away from him. He told her that she was there to be with him & nobody else.

He slammed her down on the metal table. As she struggled against him, he laughed & told her that it didn't matter if she fought him or if she screamed. The music was so loud that nobody was going to hear her. The contrasting music from the trucks in front would help drown out any noise she could make.

He used the jacket she wore against her by pulling it partially down her arms. She could feel & taste the blood on her lip from where he hit her after first pinning her on that table. She felt like her face was on fire. For the first time in her life she started realizing that she couldn't always control what happened to her. He had her pinned down and even though she tried, she couldn't manage to free herself. He just kept pressing into her, telling her that until she stopped fighting, he wouldn't let up. He told her that there was no reason to fight something they both wanted.

She did finally stop struggling so hard. She couldn't believe what was happening to her. While he was on top of her telling her how this was what they had both been looking forward to, all she could do was cry. Every time she tried to stop him she got the crap beat out of her. After what seemed like eternity, she managed to get her leg interlaced through one of the chairs. It crashed into the pool & that made him even more furious with her.

She could feel the diamond pattern of the table pressing into the flesh of her back. The edge of the metal table was cutting into her wrists that he had pinned behind her back.

She heard a voice call out & it startled her attacker. He jumped off of her and told the voice to go on that things were fine there. The voice continued coming towards them and she recognized the older brother of her cousin's boyfriend. She yelled out for him to help.

When everybody realized that everybody else realized what was going on, the attack on her stopped and the attack on the attacker began. She ran to the pool house and wrapped herself in a blanket that she had found. Her cousin was right behind the older brother and rushed to her side.

The voices from the pool finally had gained enough volume that others heard it. When the fight was pulled apart, the attacker didn't try to retaliate. Somebody was caring enough & unaware enough of what had really happened to call an ambulance. The final ruling to the attacker included several broken ribs, a collection of stitches to the face & a broken arm.

The severe-ness of the fight put an end to the party. She refused to allow either of the witnesses to reveal what had really happened. She told them that she would deny anything happened if they put her on the spot. Due to the nature of the injuries, the police were notified.

The only 2 witnesses to what had happened told the police in front of the attacker that the fight had occurred b/c he refused to hand over his keys. It was very obvious that he was loaded with alcohol. They alleged that when he demanded that she leave with him that she refused and he lost it and hit her. That is when they went on to say that the fight between the guys ensued. All accounts put the attacked instigating the entire ordeal & that the fight causing these injuries was self-defense & provoked.

Despite the alcohol intake, the fight was quite sobering. He at least had the brains to see that their story was his ticket out of a whole heap of trouble.

She sat there curled up in that blanket in the corner of the pool house. At times, she's still there in her mind; she stays there & refuses to accept what happened.

On Your Mind

Most of the time we hear songs & never really "know"what it is that the song is trying to say. We get lost in the tune, single out bits & pieces or just simply get sidetracked.

I do the same thing. I like the "way" a song sounds therefore I like the song. The difference is that when I "like" something I tend to analyze every little aspect of it. I want to know just what is being said.

That is why occasionally I post the lyrics to a song here in my blog. I want people to "hear" what the song is saying vs. just hearing the song.

On Your Mind by Sister Hazel

To sit here and wait
It goes against my will
What I can't replace
Is the time of mine I spent so far away
Can I remind you
Can I piece together a scene of what we were
If I'd only known
This was just a start of a long goodbye

[Chorus]
I'm waiting to be on your mind
I feel like I'm falling through
I'm waiting to be on your mind
To show you I'll be fine

Where did you go
I thought I saw the light inside your eyes
Oh.. How will I know
If you can even hear yourself inside
Body or mind, Whatever can hold you
Better than pretending that this is a life
Oh... I'll let you go
But I need a hand to push you away

[Repeat Chorus]

I, I've been waitin'
And I feel like I'm fallin' through

[Repeat Chorus]

I'm waiting to be on your mind
I feel like I'm fallin' through
(Fallin through time)
To show you I'll be fine
(Waitin' and Waitin')
I'll be fine
Fallin' through time

Strength...

"..your strength helps us all see that we can get through more than we could ever imagine."

My strength...my strength comes from necessity. When you have a choice between giving up or finding a way to move on, you learn that in order to move on you have to be strong. It is nothing more than that.

Yes, I am glad that people can look at me and gain strength from how I look at life, but sometimes I don't want to be the stronghold. Sometimes I want to be the one that gains strength from somebody else. Every now & then I'd like to be the one that gets through something b/c somebody else steps up to be there for me. I really miss that.

...some story writing time (1)

As the summer days neared their end, she knew something was wrong. She didn't exactly know what or why, but deep down she knew something really wasn't right. The pain became more & more unbearable, both mentally & physically. She had already lost her love & blamed that for the pain that she felt on almost a daily basis. As the days slowly passed, the realization of her loss got stronger along with the ever increasing pain. She dared not speak of the problems because weakness was not something she embraced. Therefore, she kept the heartache to herself; she kept the pain in her gut to herself.

A couple months earlier, she had begun to think that her life might actually start to straighten out. A rekindling of a relationship she longed to have close to her heart showed some hope. He seemed open to the idea of repairing a damaged relationship. She knew the hardships they had encountered were entirely at her hand and having him back in her life was all she cared about. She ignored the little things that made her question his intentions. Deep down she had a feeling that this wasn't what she wanted it to be. Deep down, she knew that he wasn't "with" her in the relationship. However, her hope for a future she wanted so badly overshadowed the fears.

In the past, she had been a source of pain for him. She had inadvertently broken his heart as well as her own chasing demons from her past. She knew the pain she caused him because she felt it herself as well. Having him back in her life was something she had almost given up on. Thinking that she had another chance for a future gave her hope that the demon chasing she had done before might not have resulted in the loss of a love she longed for so badly.

However, her hope in regaining his love & trust faded as he slowly drifted away. She began to realize that the sting from what she had done had left a bitter aftertaste in his heart. As much as she wanted him, she loved him too much to stay and risk hurting him again like she had done times before. She watched in horror as he did to her what she had done to him before until he was no longer a part of her life.

Every ounce of her heart wanted to follow him & beg his forgiveness. And at the same time, she also wanted him to be happy. Knowing the hurt she had caused in the past, she questioned his ability to ever completely forgive her. As strong as she thought her love for him was, she stood back & let him go this time without a fight, believing that he would find a greater happiness without her in his life. She believed that this is how he wanted her to feel & she believed that she deserved it as well. For that reason, she never told him about what happened in the months following. She did not want him to come back to her for any reason other than those in his heart.

When the increasing pain plagued her, she knew that the mental pain was that love that had been rejected. However, the physical pain increased with no explanation & the discovery of its source was a sword more jagged than the pain itself: a child. A pregnancy gone wrong at approximately 8 ½ weeks resulted in a miscarriage. Her heart mourned in more ways than she had ever known imaginable.

It all happened so fast. She had learned of the pregnancy & the loss of it all in one sentence. Discovering a pregnancy at this point, after he had already drifted out of her life was hard. Discovering that it was lost at the same made the sword double-edged.

Tears came in droves, but only in private. She wanted to tell him what had happened, but convinced herself that by doing so, it would only result in more pain. She knew that this could possibly bring him back into her life. She wanted to let him know about what had happened. She wanted to have his shoulder to cry on. She wanted & needed him in her life more then than ever before. At the same time, she didn't want him there with her because of sympathy…she didn't want him there unless he was there because his heart wanted him there.

The one person she confided in was lost to her as well only a week afterwards. He had been the one person in her life that always stood by her & with her, no matter what she went through. He didn't exactly agree with her decision to not share what had happened, but respected her as well. He did his part in trying to convince her not to just let go of her love. He was one of those people who always believed that love would conquer all in due time. He thought that she should have chased after that love regardless of everything else. As much as she knew he wanted her to reveal the baby to the father, she didn't.

It didn't seem fair to her. In just a very short time frame, she had lost more than she ever even realized she had. She lost the man that had, & would always have, a special place in her heart, she lost a baby that would have meant the world to her & she lost the best friend she had ever known. Keeping all of this to herself was excruciating.

Time passed and the wounds partially healed. Life went on & they both went their separate ways. She never stopped loving him & she never stopped thinking about him from time to time. At times, she questioned herself to the point of tears again about her decision to not tell him about the baby. But, she always believed in her heart that it was the right decision. She had left the choice to be with her completely to him & his heart – not his sympathy or grief.

He never chose to come back to her. She never chose to do something that might make him feel an obligation to do so.  In her heart, she still believes that something greater is waiting for her that will eventually make all of this pain fade into a distant memory.

Even Now.

Every now & then I come across a song that really hits hard. You know...those songs that really seem to describe something you think or feel & make you wonder how they knew so exactly what was in your head at some point in your life? This one did that.

After all of the odd-ball dreams this past week, coming across this song was just really strange. It was almost like turning the clock back to another point in time.

Even Now
by Caitlin & Will

Well, I was wrong, but you were mean.
Yeah, I got mad 'cause you said those things.
I called your bluff, so you walked out.
So I guess we're even now.

Well I told Jill, and you told Joe.
And I won't name names nut I heard you told someone where I could go.
So I went out & met someone & we had a little fun out on the town.
So I guess we're even now.

We ain't kids...we keep actin' like we are
Playin' stupid games, tryin' to break each other's hearts.
Nobody wins & nobody's keepin' score.
Truth is I just don't think I can do this anymore.
I wish that we could turn this thing around...
'Cause I still love you...even now.

Nobody wins & nobody's keeping score.
Truth is I just don't think I can do this anymore.
...Wish that we could turn this thing around.
'Cause I still love you...

Well, I was wrong.
And I was mean.
Can't we just be even now?